I do NOT heart Huckabees... or any of their like!

Do you ever get the feeling that people are SO focussed on making sure THEIR chosen morality becomes law, that they never look at the things THEY may be doing that violate their own beliefs?

OK... This one's probably gonna make some people mad...

Here's the deal. I don't know why people like Mike Huckabee care about 2 consenting same sex people getting married? Or people like the Family Council care whether children who likely will grow up in the state system with NO parents are allowed to be adopted or fostered by a loving couple, married or not?

Pardon my crass view... but does "what you do with your private" REALLY determine whether you're a good parent? And are these groups not bigger pervert than they accuse others of being since they literally sit around... have meetings... and DISCUSS forementioned "privates usage"?

I would like to go on the record with MY views... because God knows I have a view. ;-p

As for marriage.

I believe that if some people are legally barred from entering into that institution... then it should not provide federal, fiscal benefits for those who CAN. Morality views aside... Why should the federal government offer tax credits for people JUST because they got married and/or "did it"?

If, as the Huckabees of the world would have us believe, marriage is a matter of faith and a union that is set forth in the bible... FINE... Keep it as such and remove federal benefits! If it's about "love"... then put your money where your mouth is...

And as for adoption... If you want to prevent me, as an unmarried person who honestly doesn't believe in marriage, from adopting... then don't expect me to pay taxes that benefit schools or any other children's group!

Let's face it folks... there are a LOT of people out there who got married as more of a business proposition. Their business becomes the fabrication of numerous carbon copies of themselves.

All too often it becomes easier and more lucrative for couple to just stay at home and keep having kids than for them to both get jobs!!!

Why should I, as an unmarried person with no children, have to continue paying for these people to keep having kids? Through Wedding Showers, Wedding Gifts, Baby Showers... Birthday gifts.... "AR Kids First", welfare, medicaid, millages, taxes... girl scout cookies... WHEN DOES IT END???

When it really comes down to it... I honestly don't care if I'm not invited to the dinner table... just don't expect ME to pick up the check!

My newly adopted viewpoint on the matter...

May I just take a quick moment to ask... What the hell is going on in the world?

I was watching one of the news channels and heard the story about the woman who adopted a young russian kid but it didn't work out so she sent him back to russia with a note!?!?!?!?

REALLY????

You know, this story is wrong on SO many levels...

Firstly... is it REALLY that easy for "some" people to adopt???? I mean, I can't accept that there was ANY type of background check on this woman!?!? Is it just because she was adopting a foreign child and since they're not "really" americans they don't count? Is there a white haired lady behind a desk in her office adorned with religious art who just decided "well.. even if their new parents beat them... at least they get to come to America"?

To think that this little boy, who was just 6 at the time he was adopted, was sent here to a totally strange country.... and when (SURPRISE!!!) he had a little trouble adjusting... this "mother" decided "rather than work to help him... I should just send him back... I don't have the receipt... but I bet they can look it up if I just send them a note".

That is the problem with Americans today! We have become a generation of "trashers". If something isn't EXACTLY what we want, we just throw it away and go get a new one!!!!

You know, I sometimes wonder how we got to this point? I mean, My grandmother Alberta had a large wad of foil in her kitchen drawer that she used and reused often! I think she may have bought the roll shortly after WWII and just kept re-using it! It's not that she couldn't afford to go out and buy a new roll of Reynolds Wrap... there was just no NEED to. I mean, the foil she HAD worked just fine!

And my other grandmother, Nanny... She canned vegetable from her garden every year... and I think she used the same set of jars she bought at the green stamp store, circa 1958! There was no NEED to get new jars!!! Just get some new "seals" and she was good to go!

So what, in say 30 years time, happened to turn us all into a bunch of "users"?

My theory? Wal-Mart

Think about it... before wal-mart... people saved up for quality items and then took care of them!!! Heck, they often passed items as simple as a saw or doll down from generation to generation!!!

Then, Walmart came along...

All of the sudden, items were mass produced! Sure, they LOOK shiny on the shelf... but can you think of a single item you still have in your house right now that you bought at Wal-Mart 10 years ago?

We're a generation that has been programmed to have no long term attachment to any purchases! There's always something thats bigger and better!

That tangent aside, I still can't believe how many people failed that little boy.

I mean, his "mom" put him on a plane with a NOTE!!!! What does it say about homeland security that not one flight attendant thought it was odd?!?!? Not one person READ that note and alerted police BEFORE that kids got back to Russia?!?!?!

There are SO many people to blame in this... and while I still say Wal-mart is to blame for the THINKING of a generation... lets face it... if she were returning a white russian at Wal-Mart... she'd still have needed a receipt!

Marlboro Memories...

OK, OK... I know it's been a really long time since I blogged... but I have been fighting the "nicotine demons".

Happy to say, I'm winning SO far... it's been 4 months now.

I had to sort of take a break from life for a little while to retrain myself how to live without cigarettes.

It truly is amazing how that habit infiltrated my entire life.

I remember the first cigarette I ever smoked... and while I KNOW that *I* am to blame for my own actions... I still like to throw a little guilt my sister's way. >;-)

See, many years ago, my dad had sent us down to the store to buy him a pack... at THAT time, they cost right at a dollar a pack. For some unknown reason my sister, who was 12 at the time, asked for 2 packs.

We walked back across the 5 lane highway to get back home... Gave dad HIS smokes and then hurriedly ran to the side of the house with OUR pack.

I guess Dad had to leave because for some reason, the only people home were my sister, me ... and unbeknownst to us... our older brother, Charles... or Chuck as we called him.

Once my sister (whose name I'm omitting to avoid lawsuits... although MOST of you who know ME know HER) was relatively certain that we were alone... she opened the pack, lit one and then gave one to me. I think she must have been thinking that by giving ME one she was making me just as guilty as her... so I wouldn't tell.

So there we stood, nestled behind the overgrown cedar tree... beside the wall of Virginia Creeper... She, with her "square pegs style cutoff overalls" and me, most likely wearing giranimals shorts and an underoos shirt.... both of us stood there puffing those horrible death sticks.

As my sister and I continued our secret beatnik party beside that house at 1104 C street... As we, the 12 and 6 year olds talked about our lives over a cigarette... our brother POPPED around the corner!

AHA!!!!!!! He said... My sister and I stood there, frozen in fear... finding only the will to throw down our cigarettes with such force that they bounced at our feet.

"I'M TELLING MOMMA!!!!"" Chuck said. My sister was quick to offer him a cigarette so as to lure him into our guilt spiral, from which NO "tattling" could escape!

It was no use! Chuck had just stumbled onto the juciest, most sordid piece of information that any of us in our young lives had EVER learned!

As Chuck walked back into the house... As my sister and I sent him off to a chorus of "I don't care... tell her! TELL HER MOMMA'S BOY!!!" Then, only then did my sister launch our one and only option!

"We'll just smoke them all... and bury the evidence somewhere CHUCK will NEVER FIND IT". It sounded so reasonable that it just HAD to work!

So there, in the hidden side yard between OUR house and "Claude and Loretta Rains" house... we, the preteen offenders began our daunting task.

I distinctly remember standing there with a cigarette in each hand, peeping around the corner watching for any hint of that 1977 Red Datsun Station Wagon that Mom drove with pride!

There, hiding in the shrub, we puffed like we were trying to siphon that last gallon of gas in all existence!

After the 5th or 6th cigarette... I began to feel a little "unwell".

As a 6 year old in a "paycheck to paycheck" family... I was actually used to running and playing outside since we didn't really have anything worth doing INSIDE...

Being that I was ALWAYS running.. I was actually in pretty good shape... I OFTEN ran long distances at high speeds without even breaking a sweat! Not even when I was running from a bee... or the devil! But there, in our tar stained hide out... I was feeling a bit clammy.

We finished the whole pack... and buried the evidence.

When Mom got home, Chuck waited about 10 minutes to watch us squirm... but he told her. We were CERTAIN that there would be NO WAY Mom could link us to such outrageous activities as "child smoking"... but... as it turns out... Nonsmoking mothers can usually pick up the scent of cigarettes on the breath of their 6 and 12 year olds!?!?!

My sister never smoked again after that! Unfortunately... I did.

You know, my childhood is FULL of these crazy little stories. At the time, I felt like I was losing out by not having the best toys or cable TV... but now I know *I* was the lucky one!

I still think about those days every time I drive by 1104 C street in Barling, Arkansas. One of these days I'm going to hop out and dig on the side of that house.. just to see if any of our "evidence" is still there! ;-)

Snow? I feel some nostalgia coming on!

I don't know what it is about snow that makes us think of the past? Past Christmases, past trips or just our childhood in general.

Now, most people know that I am a product of a strict southern childhood. That is a fact that I neither hide nor regret.... but instead I wear it proudly like a giant belt buckle or some turquoise jewelry.

I grew up in Waldron, Arkansas... just south of the "snow possibility" line.

I can remember almost every day that I spent in Waldron. From Birthdays at Nanny & Papaws... to Holidays at Abb & Alberta's.... To entire summer breaks spent with my cousin Sandy.

Sandy is a bit older than me and therefore responsible for any of my poor judgement that might have occurred while in Waldron. I'm not sure that statement would hold up in court... but I think it explains a few things.

Anytime Sandy and I were going to spend time in Waldron, it all began with the battle for 2 things... the "gold couch" and the "blue cup".

As strange as that sounds, the loss of either or both of those items could certainly derail your entire trip.

The "Gold Couch" was one of 2 couches that Abb & Alberta ( my grandparents) had in their living room. Those couches became our beds when we stayed there.

It was called the "Gold Couch" because of the coarse, thick, yellowy gold yarn that was woven together to create the most coveted upholstery Sandy and I had ever seen.

The couch honestly looked more like a really long chair as it had a tall back that provided full lumbar support even before scientists understood it's benefit!

The other couch, the "green couch" was quite different. It's was a common green color... with upholstery that failed to make ANY statement of greatness... sure, it had many pillows... but they were common, unimpressive pillows.

As I remember it, the rules of the claim game were this. The first person to claim it when BOTH participants were inside the house gained legal, indisputable control of said item.

MANY times I remember stepping into my grandparents' house only to hear a faint echo coming from the bathroom down the hall... " I GET THE GOLD COUCH AND THE BLUE CUP!!!!!"

Immediately, I could feel the blood rushing to my face while my hopes for a good vacation were falling to the floor.

The Gold Couch AND the Blue Cup?!?!? I may as well just turn around and go home!

Then, Sandy would come sauntering into the living room, carrying that victorious chalice... that coveted cup... The BLUE cup.

See, the Blue cup was just ONE of a set of 4 plastic cups... There was the Blue cup... the red cup... the yellow cup... and the green cup.

The cups were identical in all ways... except for the majestic blue dye that was used to create that glorious glass!

Sandy would walk into the living room, carrying the cup filled with fizzing soda... she'd plop down on the GOLD couch, take a sip from the BLUE cup and say "Ahhhhhhhhhhh."

All I could do is look ahead, sipping from my bland cup... sitting on my basic couch... and just YEARN for the day *I* would would have that absolute power.... possessing both the Gold couch and the Blue cup!

I think about those times on days like today. I remember how we filled every possible moment with wonder and fun.... Whether we were playing "office"... or even when we played "Knight Rider". (By the way.. when we did... SANDY ALWAYS had Kitt as HER car... my car was called Lightning and of course it couldn't do all the things Kitt could do)

My point is, even though I spent most of my childhood in second place... I was so lucky to have that childhood. Nothing could replace all the crazy memories of Sandy and me scaring each other... of all the crazy "potions" we made in the bathroom. (it's a wonder we didn't accidentally make meth!) And even the summer I found out that unlike Sandy, I am not allergic to poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac.

Actually, that summer may have been the best one of them all! >:-)

Can people REALLY be THAT tone deaf?

Well, it has begun!

The annual task of determining exactly who will be our American Idol... to reign over us... unite the world through song... and show that music truly IS the answer... Mwah ha ha ha ha! I almost didn't get through that!

We all know that American Idol and shows of that ilk serve one and only one purpose... so that we can sit at home and watch people make fools of themselves... and if lucky... cry as their dreams are dashed.

What is it about seeing the humiliation and destruction of others that makes such good TV?

But in all fairness, aren't these people honestly just setting themselves up? Don't they actually kind of have it coming?

And while American Idol is the main platform for this atrocity, doesn't it really exist all around us?

I mean, I watch that show and see those bleach blond, ditzy girls who walk in there like they are Lady GaGa...

They all have such confidence... "I KNOW I'm the next American Idol... everybody says so!"

Then... that awful moment. I mean, you usually can't tell for the first couple notes... but there are some who are just insufferable the instant that first sound escapes their mouth!

And you know, If I was up there and I saw the Judges reacting badly... maybe laughing... I have to think I would stop... but they don't, do they?

Granted, sometimes it's because they're following the Christina Aguilara school of performance... Eyes closed... head moving... hand accentuating the high and low notes...

Then, when the judges offer that sage advice that they should NEVER sing again.... they always look so surprised!?!?!

OK... So I just can't accept that ANYONE can be THAT self unaware!

What kind of mental abuse is being offered toward these performers if their friends and family actually ENCOURAGE them?

I mean, I'm sure it starts as a simple "white lie"... like when your friend shows you pictures of their baby who was delivered naturally... with that pointy head... and you're compelled to say "ohhhhhh, how CUTE!!!!!".... Cut to 3 years later when the kid is still bald.... but wearing those "stick on" bows in her photos for "the prettiest baby" contest!?!?!?

See, by then, we're invested in the lie... you can't exactly go back and say... "girrrrrllll.... I'm sorry I thought you KNEW I was just being nice.... your baby looks like an ankle!!!"

So we just let it go! We may actually even start to believe the lie a little... Suddenly EVERYTHING that ugly little kid does is "GREAAAAATTTT!!!! A Gift from baby Jesus, just amazing!!!"

And there's not an easy way to bring the parent and the child for that matter back to reality! There's no script for it... well... there wasn't... until now.

Let's revisit Betty and Brenda and Brenda's daughter Angeline is examining her career possibilities...

Brenda- Betty? Did I tell you? Angeline just got her pictures back... we're going to get her an agent to help get her into modeling!

Betty- Ohhhhhhhhhh, Bless your heart, is that right?

Brenda- Yeah, everyone is always going on about how pretty and talented she is... What did

that photographer say? Oh yeah, that she had a lot of the same features as Anne Hathaway!!!

Betty-Really? Are you sure he said ANNE Hathaway? Not Jane?

Brenda- Oh HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ! Are you talking about "Miss Jane" from Beverly Hillbillies? HA HA HA HA HA You are so funny, Betty!!!!

Betty-Oh Ha ha ha... yeah... you know me... always a joker... So what happened with Angeline's

job over at the school cafeteria?

Brenda- She's gonna give it up... We're just so certain she's going to make it!!! We took a loan

We're dumping our savings into her big chance!

Betty- OH JESUS!!!! Umm Er.. Jesus Loves the little children... I have always loved that song... Well, I'll be praying for you... er.. her... You know... maybe before you go through all

that, maybe she should go for American Idol!!!!

Fa la la la -----whatever

Well, we survived another holiday season! Now, we just have to make it past the 2009 finish line!

Unfortunately, it seems that the crazy shopping madness and traffic troubles didn't just stop with Christmas!

Apparently, everyone in the free world saved up all their vacation until the last of the year... I assume to piss me off!

OK... So, Sunday after Christmas I had to go to the store.

I put it off as long as I could... but I was down to the last of my instant rice and ranch dressing... So I actually HAD to go buy groceries.

I live 1.4 miles exactly from Wal-Mart.... so I thought SURELY I can handle this.

As I was about to turn onto the highway I was met by a slew of those lovely drivers who are driving 50mph until they get near your intersection and see that you have a narrow window of opportunity to get onto the highway.... then they slow it way down!

After they passed I was able to get onto the highway... but the onslaught of idiot drivers made it impossible for me to catch up with the drivers who willfully made it harder for me to get on the road... I wasn't going to flip them off or anything... I mean it IS still the holiday season... but if I could make it difficult for them to make a turn or get into the outside lane... then we'd be even, ya know? I mean... I would just be fulfilling the other half of "do unto others".

Anyway... I finally make it to the Wal Mart Parking lot.

May I just ask, what the HELL are people thinking when they cut across the lot to get the perfect spot?

I mean... do they really think those yellow lines and arrows only apply to OTHER people but not them?

MORE than once I have been driving along, following the directions PAINTED on the lot only to be cut off by some large woman, with bangs circa 1987.... two bumper stickers- one that says "follow me to -insert church name here-" and the other that says "Housework doesn't suck...if it did men would like it".

I think I'm just becoming such a jaded person in my old(er) age... because I don't even stop when I see them swinging around to cut in front of me.... I CONTINUE WITH MY RIGHT OF WAY!

And even though, according to any drivers education book ever printed I am in the right... I end up getting the hateful look/finger point?!?!?

So I find a spot.... drive over the empty cans and used diapers! By the way... WHY do some people do that? There is nothing more vile than to step out of the car and step on or near a discarded dirty diaper! If you see someone dump a diaper in a public lot... take a picture of them /their car... As God as my witness I am going to start a photo site where we will expose these nasty inconsiderate parents....

Finally, I get into the store.... feces free and with a portion of my patience hanging by a single strand of hope..

I'm trying to rush to get what I need, and I get stuck behind a man on one of those motorized carts! The ONLY thing that kept my rage in check is knowing that this man... this poor soul... has clearly had it worse than me.... I mean... I have the freedom to walk the aisles... while he... through some cruel test of fate is resigned to this scooter... unable to reach items on the top shelf... WHAT THE HELL?????? That's when he STOOD UP... Grabbed his item.... and then stretched his back!!!! As if this "road trip through Wal Mart" was just too much for his back... He needed to take a break from sitting! I FELT CHEATED!

Once I got around him, I was met on every aisle by people who were apparently using each aisle as a venue for their family reunions!!!! And then when you look at them and muster up every ounce of politeness left in depths of your soul and say "excuse me, please" with a SMILE no less... and you get that "huff/jagged cart move"!

When that happens, it is ALL I can do to not go peel off one of those security tags in electronics and somehow attach it to them where it's not visible... so Mabel at the front door will make them walk through the metal detectors 57 times just to figure out what wasn't scanned!

Finally, I make it all the way up to the checkouts... only to end up in a lane where the meanest woman ever created it berating the checker for not being able to scan her coupons.... only to later find out that 3 of the coupons were for items the lady didn't buy and 4 of them were EXPIRED!

I get through with no major problems... only to find a cart lodged against my door.

I push it to the Cart Corral (Yes people... that's where they go) , Get in my car and FLOOR it out of there!

About halfway home I'm coming down from my stress induced rage... when it hits me.... I forgot bread!

My sojourn o'er the river crotchety

I think it's finally happened!

I have crossed a major milestone in my life!

I have waded across the river crotchety and come out the other side soaking wet!

It happened so quietly! One day I was smiling as I passed over the Fox News Channel... the next, I was ready to call those bastards and give them a piece of my mind!

But seriously folks.... I'm not sure if it's my age, my poor diet and sleeping habits... or if I've finally realized that just ignoring stupid people will NOT make them go away.

let me start by saying that I didn't just slowly wade into crocthetyism.... I ran in splashing! It's a messy process that seems to splatter my disdain equally across a number of topics!

Like... What happened to the "R" in "frustrated?"

Seriously... I have recently noticed a decline in the proper pronunciation of this word! Was there a meeting that I missed where pop culture announced that henceforth we will all be "fusstrated" at traffic?

Was this mentioned on a chain e-mail that I deleted without reading, thereby guaranteeing myself bad luck and preventing something "amazing" from happening for me and the 12 people I sent it to?

Apparently, that same e-mail must have also referenced the "T" in words such as "curtain".

You see, I have recently adopted a new guilty pleasure known as "Let's make a deal".

I believe most of us know the premise of this show... you get a gift, you can trade it for a box or a curtain.... and like life... sometimes it's a good trade, sometimes it's a giant pile of potato peelings.

While watching this GEM of American Heritage... I have seen, or rather heard, several people say they would like the (and I must spell it phonetically) "CUR uhn".

Is this some sort of a trend? Did someone do this once and others told them "that's so cute"? Because, I assure you... it is not. It's quite upseh-un actually.

Yes, I hear you as you are reading this...."what's his deal? Why is he worried about this and not the war in Afghanistan?" To you I say, "Of COURSE those topics matter to me... but if you're going to belittle me, get your own damned blog".... Respectfully, of course.

My point is, and I actually do have one, that we have become a society that is so afraid of offending someone else that we don't speak up when they sound stupid!

Like tonight... I saw a group of women, I assume they were all members of the "Betty Baptist's Prayer Hair Care" group.

They were on the news talking about camping out all night at Sam's Wholesale in Fayetteville, Arkansas to be the first people in line to see Sarah Palin.

Apparently, they were afraid that since they all looked alike... that Her Highness, Sarah Palin, might assume she'd already SIGNED their book and "go rogue" refusing to validate their reasons for living and refuse to sign their book.

See, THESE ladies were proud to say they were there for Palin because she "represented Christian family values". By the way, I'm gathering that the way you do that these days is to write some sort of tell all book and then leave your kids at home while you tour the country selling your wares to every housewife who feels empowered by seeing you tote a gun.... I"M GUESSING... Not saying that's fact.

But my issue is that THESE ladies stood up and were willing to say whatever they felt... becuase it is a popularly accepted statement! I mean, who ISN'T for family values? Yes, certainly that is a topic that is up for interpretation. But none the less, we all hold true to some form of values.

So why shouldn't WE stand up for our beliefs?

Is it truly so wrong of me to say that I think pets are better than children? I'm not saying that's how is HAS to be for EVERYONE... I'm merely stating that for ME, I would rather vacuum pet hair up every day than actually to have to deal with a child that quite frankly would just break all my nice stuff and grow up to blame me for everything! I've SEEN "Intervention"!

Should I feel ashamed to say that I believe pastors of super-churches who live in homes few members of their congregation could afford... or drive cars that few people could afford are frauds and will have to answer to God when asked "Could you have spent less on your lifestyle and maybe given a bit more to help others?"

Will I honestly be Chastised if I stand at the "Speedy Checkout" at Wal-mart and make sure people actually have 20 items or less? And if they have more, maybe just start picking random items out of their cart and throwing them on the ground? Maybe just repeating "Gotta be 20 items or less, ma'am!"

I guess what it all boils down to is..... I am apparently in the metamorphosis stage.

I started as a young man, filled with hopes and dreams.... wrapped myself in a cocoon of reality and came out as a budding old codger with wings to fly but nowhere worth landing!

So instead of taking flight, I sit at my desk and write about all the piddly things in this world that just aren't up to par!

Then, I remember.... We truly are all in control of our own destiny.

We are only held captive by the decisions of others when we as strong willed individuals refuse to speak up! Make some noise!

I mean... If I failed to bring these issues to light, my nephew and niece would grow up in a world where people are "fusstrated with their cur-uhns"