Fa la la la -----whatever

Well, we survived another holiday season! Now, we just have to make it past the 2009 finish line!

Unfortunately, it seems that the crazy shopping madness and traffic troubles didn't just stop with Christmas!

Apparently, everyone in the free world saved up all their vacation until the last of the year... I assume to piss me off!

OK... So, Sunday after Christmas I had to go to the store.

I put it off as long as I could... but I was down to the last of my instant rice and ranch dressing... So I actually HAD to go buy groceries.

I live 1.4 miles exactly from Wal-Mart.... so I thought SURELY I can handle this.

As I was about to turn onto the highway I was met by a slew of those lovely drivers who are driving 50mph until they get near your intersection and see that you have a narrow window of opportunity to get onto the highway.... then they slow it way down!

After they passed I was able to get onto the highway... but the onslaught of idiot drivers made it impossible for me to catch up with the drivers who willfully made it harder for me to get on the road... I wasn't going to flip them off or anything... I mean it IS still the holiday season... but if I could make it difficult for them to make a turn or get into the outside lane... then we'd be even, ya know? I mean... I would just be fulfilling the other half of "do unto others".

Anyway... I finally make it to the Wal Mart Parking lot.

May I just ask, what the HELL are people thinking when they cut across the lot to get the perfect spot?

I mean... do they really think those yellow lines and arrows only apply to OTHER people but not them?

MORE than once I have been driving along, following the directions PAINTED on the lot only to be cut off by some large woman, with bangs circa 1987.... two bumper stickers- one that says "follow me to -insert church name here-" and the other that says "Housework doesn't suck...if it did men would like it".

I think I'm just becoming such a jaded person in my old(er) age... because I don't even stop when I see them swinging around to cut in front of me.... I CONTINUE WITH MY RIGHT OF WAY!

And even though, according to any drivers education book ever printed I am in the right... I end up getting the hateful look/finger point?!?!?

So I find a spot.... drive over the empty cans and used diapers! By the way... WHY do some people do that? There is nothing more vile than to step out of the car and step on or near a discarded dirty diaper! If you see someone dump a diaper in a public lot... take a picture of them /their car... As God as my witness I am going to start a photo site where we will expose these nasty inconsiderate parents....

Finally, I get into the store.... feces free and with a portion of my patience hanging by a single strand of hope..

I'm trying to rush to get what I need, and I get stuck behind a man on one of those motorized carts! The ONLY thing that kept my rage in check is knowing that this man... this poor soul... has clearly had it worse than me.... I mean... I have the freedom to walk the aisles... while he... through some cruel test of fate is resigned to this scooter... unable to reach items on the top shelf... WHAT THE HELL?????? That's when he STOOD UP... Grabbed his item.... and then stretched his back!!!! As if this "road trip through Wal Mart" was just too much for his back... He needed to take a break from sitting! I FELT CHEATED!

Once I got around him, I was met on every aisle by people who were apparently using each aisle as a venue for their family reunions!!!! And then when you look at them and muster up every ounce of politeness left in depths of your soul and say "excuse me, please" with a SMILE no less... and you get that "huff/jagged cart move"!

When that happens, it is ALL I can do to not go peel off one of those security tags in electronics and somehow attach it to them where it's not visible... so Mabel at the front door will make them walk through the metal detectors 57 times just to figure out what wasn't scanned!

Finally, I make it all the way up to the checkouts... only to end up in a lane where the meanest woman ever created it berating the checker for not being able to scan her coupons.... only to later find out that 3 of the coupons were for items the lady didn't buy and 4 of them were EXPIRED!

I get through with no major problems... only to find a cart lodged against my door.

I push it to the Cart Corral (Yes people... that's where they go) , Get in my car and FLOOR it out of there!

About halfway home I'm coming down from my stress induced rage... when it hits me.... I forgot bread!

My sojourn o'er the river crotchety

I think it's finally happened!

I have crossed a major milestone in my life!

I have waded across the river crotchety and come out the other side soaking wet!

It happened so quietly! One day I was smiling as I passed over the Fox News Channel... the next, I was ready to call those bastards and give them a piece of my mind!

But seriously folks.... I'm not sure if it's my age, my poor diet and sleeping habits... or if I've finally realized that just ignoring stupid people will NOT make them go away.

let me start by saying that I didn't just slowly wade into crocthetyism.... I ran in splashing! It's a messy process that seems to splatter my disdain equally across a number of topics!

Like... What happened to the "R" in "frustrated?"

Seriously... I have recently noticed a decline in the proper pronunciation of this word! Was there a meeting that I missed where pop culture announced that henceforth we will all be "fusstrated" at traffic?

Was this mentioned on a chain e-mail that I deleted without reading, thereby guaranteeing myself bad luck and preventing something "amazing" from happening for me and the 12 people I sent it to?

Apparently, that same e-mail must have also referenced the "T" in words such as "curtain".

You see, I have recently adopted a new guilty pleasure known as "Let's make a deal".

I believe most of us know the premise of this show... you get a gift, you can trade it for a box or a curtain.... and like life... sometimes it's a good trade, sometimes it's a giant pile of potato peelings.

While watching this GEM of American Heritage... I have seen, or rather heard, several people say they would like the (and I must spell it phonetically) "CUR uhn".

Is this some sort of a trend? Did someone do this once and others told them "that's so cute"? Because, I assure you... it is not. It's quite upseh-un actually.

Yes, I hear you as you are reading this...."what's his deal? Why is he worried about this and not the war in Afghanistan?" To you I say, "Of COURSE those topics matter to me... but if you're going to belittle me, get your own damned blog".... Respectfully, of course.

My point is, and I actually do have one, that we have become a society that is so afraid of offending someone else that we don't speak up when they sound stupid!

Like tonight... I saw a group of women, I assume they were all members of the "Betty Baptist's Prayer Hair Care" group.

They were on the news talking about camping out all night at Sam's Wholesale in Fayetteville, Arkansas to be the first people in line to see Sarah Palin.

Apparently, they were afraid that since they all looked alike... that Her Highness, Sarah Palin, might assume she'd already SIGNED their book and "go rogue" refusing to validate their reasons for living and refuse to sign their book.

See, THESE ladies were proud to say they were there for Palin because she "represented Christian family values". By the way, I'm gathering that the way you do that these days is to write some sort of tell all book and then leave your kids at home while you tour the country selling your wares to every housewife who feels empowered by seeing you tote a gun.... I"M GUESSING... Not saying that's fact.

But my issue is that THESE ladies stood up and were willing to say whatever they felt... becuase it is a popularly accepted statement! I mean, who ISN'T for family values? Yes, certainly that is a topic that is up for interpretation. But none the less, we all hold true to some form of values.

So why shouldn't WE stand up for our beliefs?

Is it truly so wrong of me to say that I think pets are better than children? I'm not saying that's how is HAS to be for EVERYONE... I'm merely stating that for ME, I would rather vacuum pet hair up every day than actually to have to deal with a child that quite frankly would just break all my nice stuff and grow up to blame me for everything! I've SEEN "Intervention"!

Should I feel ashamed to say that I believe pastors of super-churches who live in homes few members of their congregation could afford... or drive cars that few people could afford are frauds and will have to answer to God when asked "Could you have spent less on your lifestyle and maybe given a bit more to help others?"

Will I honestly be Chastised if I stand at the "Speedy Checkout" at Wal-mart and make sure people actually have 20 items or less? And if they have more, maybe just start picking random items out of their cart and throwing them on the ground? Maybe just repeating "Gotta be 20 items or less, ma'am!"

I guess what it all boils down to is..... I am apparently in the metamorphosis stage.

I started as a young man, filled with hopes and dreams.... wrapped myself in a cocoon of reality and came out as a budding old codger with wings to fly but nowhere worth landing!

So instead of taking flight, I sit at my desk and write about all the piddly things in this world that just aren't up to par!

Then, I remember.... We truly are all in control of our own destiny.

We are only held captive by the decisions of others when we as strong willed individuals refuse to speak up! Make some noise!

I mean... If I failed to bring these issues to light, my nephew and niece would grow up in a world where people are "fusstrated with their cur-uhns"