Insomnia or "taking creative license with sleep"?

Well, here I am again!

This time, it's kind of my own fault. I fell asleep in the recliner while watching "Mission Impossible".

Too often have those recliners been my demise! I need to replace them with hard, wooden chairs... or maybe a "chair of nails"!?!?

I KNEW I was in trouble when I woke up and thought " I could sure use a drink of water". Let's face it, there's no easy way to get a quick "sup" of water, as my grandma used to call it, while maintaining that delicate balance between "sleep" and "awake".

I mean, if you ever have to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, there's a relative certainty that you can "squint" your way through it... as a rule, you never have to fully break that "sleep seal" on your eyes, right?

But when you have to get a drink, there's a whole extra level of dexterity required.

For me, it starts with that "tight eyed" glance toward Holli's "Bed Pile". I call it a bed pile because somewhere along the way I decided that neither of the beds I bought her were comfortable enough for her. But I wanted her to still have options so I left them BOTH down in her corner.

THEN, there must have been a cold snap or something, because I decided she also needed her "Blankie" in the mix... and apparently she DID because she sleeps under it year round.

See, there's the first problem... Holli is extremely protective and likes to "Kung Fu Projectile" herself toward anything that moves ANYWHERE in the vicinity of "me".

This problem is compounded slightly because she can't see very well WITHOUT a blanket covering her... But if it IS blocking what's left of her vision, all of her other senses are heightened!

So at the moment my foot makes the angle to step firmly on the ground, I have to PRAY that I can stave off the "sounds of aging"... you know... the crackling and popping sounds that one day a doctor is going to tell me " those were the first signs... if only you'd have come in THEN".

If, at any time, you produce a sound that Holli can't reconcile in her head as a "normal sound".. .then you're faced with a charging, snarling, barking pile of comforter! I have to say, THAT sight is NOT for the faint of heart! It's sort of a cross between a charging rhinoceros, and those little people from Phantasm.

Once you make it past Holli, or "level one" as I like call it, you have a very important decision to make.... "do I just go get a drink from the bathroom faucet, or should I go from something in the fridge?

Somewhere along the way, I have been lead to believe that the water that comes out of the bathroom sink isn't as clean as the water that comes out of the kitchen. I'm not sure if there's any truth to that... but it's deeply rooted. I think it must have been something my brother Chuck told me when we were kids just to mess with me... but he never said "just kidding" and I never asked anyone... so now I just assume that somehow the bathroom faucet and the toilet are somehow closely connected...

So, 9 times out of 10 I just go to the kitchen. That ONE time out of 10 is when I'm really tired and I'm relatively sure I'll be able to get back to sleep once I've gotten a drink.

But, as a rule, I generally venture to the kitchen.... or Level two.

Anyone who has been to our house knows we live with the house cordoned off by a series of gates. It's been the easiest way to keep the peace between the animals, giving each of them their own "sleep zone".

Tucker's sleep zone is the living room/Kitchen/Dining area... also known as the areas which are tiled!

So once Tucker uses his sonic hearing to pick up on the sound of me opening the bedroom door, which I THOUGHT was nearly inaudible, I hear him bounce OUT of my recliner and onto the floor. That same recliner does him in too!

As I try to keep Tucker from getting too "jumpy" so as to avoid Holli getting "Barky" I step OVER the gate and make it into the kitchen.

This is when Tucker is SURE it must be time to go outside... it must just be REALLY cloudy out... but since "daddy" is awake, it's "pee pee/ poo poo" time.

I try to reason with him... "No, son... it's too early... it's still nigh nigh! go back to seepies... go on!"

Of COURSE he'll have none of it! He gets even MORE excited... turning briefly into a horse and REARING up on his hind legs... getting closer to mustering up a "day time bark".

Meanwhile, back in zone one, Holli is watching the WHOLE THING and I hear the guttural "pre bark" building!

QUICKLY I remember the ONE SINGLE WORD that renders them silent, obedient and loving! "do y'all need a SNACKIE?" I ask.

Peace is restored!

While they're enjoying their snackies, I know that I have to get my drink ready and get back over the gate BEFORE they finish or else I'm trapped!

It's not as easy as it once was now that we've given up sodas!

USED to, I could thrust my hand into the fridge without looking and locate that all too familiar icy cold can of diet coke! Now, it takes a minute...

I have to look around the jugs of filtered water, the cartons of milk or juice, to find that last bottle of sugar free, caffeine free, calorie free, sodium free "flavored" seltzer water.

I grab it and head to level 3... the computer room/ cat's room.

As I step over HER gate, I open my bottle and it makes that carbonated "HISSSSSSS" sound that we ENJOY hearing because it means the drink hasn't gone flat.

The CAT however, wasn't expecting it... so as I open it, I hear knocking about and papers shuffling in the general direction of where she sleeps.

Apparently, the sound that signals my refreshing drink is going to be delicious... is very similar to the sound the "Cat Devil" makes when he's coming to "GIT" them.

As I sit down at the computer, I hear Lovey's faint, scared but thankful "mew" as she comes toward me to make sure it's actually ME ... and once again... not the "Cat Devil" who apparently takes on other shapes. See that's a very common misunderstanding... apparently cats are EXTREMELY religious... but it's one of those odd "The Devil's gonna get you for that" fundamental churches.... It's not the MEAN kind... I mean, I've never seen Lovey picketing... but given some of the "surprises" she has brought into the house... she may be a "snake handler".

Anyway, by now, I've fully accepted that I am not going to get back to sleep... so I sat down and wrote this sad but true tale of how I got to this point this morning!

AND I'VE ONLY BEEN UP FOR AN HOUR!?!?!?