Want a better America? Then DO something about it!

almost daily I get e-mails from people spouting off something about how Obama isn't an American.. or Palin is a snake handler.

I've often wondered... what are these people on the left or right of? I'v recently decided... they're on the left and right side of life's path holding giant signs and screaming craziness while the rest of us are just staying ON the path so we can get to work!

Here's our problem... We all GAVE them power! We played along as they put themselves in places of power at OUR expense! All the while, we're complaining about how things aren't getting any better and we want government to stay OUT of our lives.

Do we really?

We have become a generation of people who can't LIVE without the help of the government!

I mean... we all agree that senior citizens should receive special treatment... but are any of us willing to step in and actually HELP a senior citizen? Would any of the people who keep telling me "the Dancing with the stars producers are working to make sure Bristol Palin wins" actually go to nursing home and spend a couple hours a week visiting those people who society has forgotten?

What has happened to us?

I remember a time when people HELPED one another!

There was no real need for food stamps... because almost everyone had a garden and people SHARED! If someone had fallen on hard times... they didn't have to go to some agency filled with hateful, judgemental government workers who made sure the person got just enough help to TRAP them in a vicious cycle, securing their own jobs!

In those times, the world news came on once a day... and the anchor man (it was always a man) kept his political views to himself... because he knew no one really had time to CARE what he thought... he was lucky to HAVE viewers who could spare 30 minutes to listen to him!

Our parents parents were a busy, self sufficient generation... a generation that survived countless challenges... but kept fighting for THEIR american dream.

My grandparents actually were the ones who taught me to care for my neighbor... To give my time freely to those who needed a helping hand KNOWING that I could expect the same when *I * needed it.... And they taught me to take care of everything and everyone in my life rather than just tossing it all out for something new.

So, after you've sat in front of your television and allowed your head and heart to be filled with someone else's views and agendas.... As you sit there, wallowing in your anger that a candidate that's not even KIN to you won or didn't win... As you consider forwarding that email about how Obama is actually the devil... or Palin actually used to be a man before becomeing the whore of babylon as mentioned in the bible... think again... and take me off your list.

Quite honestly... I don't want to give of that propeganda my time!

Instead, I WILL step in and volunteer for community based organizations... to help ELIMINATE the NEED for Government ones!

If you want to keep government out of your life... don't give them a reason to come into it!

Insomnia or "taking creative license with sleep"?

Well, here I am again!

This time, it's kind of my own fault. I fell asleep in the recliner while watching "Mission Impossible".

Too often have those recliners been my demise! I need to replace them with hard, wooden chairs... or maybe a "chair of nails"!?!?

I KNEW I was in trouble when I woke up and thought " I could sure use a drink of water". Let's face it, there's no easy way to get a quick "sup" of water, as my grandma used to call it, while maintaining that delicate balance between "sleep" and "awake".

I mean, if you ever have to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, there's a relative certainty that you can "squint" your way through it... as a rule, you never have to fully break that "sleep seal" on your eyes, right?

But when you have to get a drink, there's a whole extra level of dexterity required.

For me, it starts with that "tight eyed" glance toward Holli's "Bed Pile". I call it a bed pile because somewhere along the way I decided that neither of the beds I bought her were comfortable enough for her. But I wanted her to still have options so I left them BOTH down in her corner.

THEN, there must have been a cold snap or something, because I decided she also needed her "Blankie" in the mix... and apparently she DID because she sleeps under it year round.

See, there's the first problem... Holli is extremely protective and likes to "Kung Fu Projectile" herself toward anything that moves ANYWHERE in the vicinity of "me".

This problem is compounded slightly because she can't see very well WITHOUT a blanket covering her... But if it IS blocking what's left of her vision, all of her other senses are heightened!

So at the moment my foot makes the angle to step firmly on the ground, I have to PRAY that I can stave off the "sounds of aging"... you know... the crackling and popping sounds that one day a doctor is going to tell me " those were the first signs... if only you'd have come in THEN".

If, at any time, you produce a sound that Holli can't reconcile in her head as a "normal sound".. .then you're faced with a charging, snarling, barking pile of comforter! I have to say, THAT sight is NOT for the faint of heart! It's sort of a cross between a charging rhinoceros, and those little people from Phantasm.

Once you make it past Holli, or "level one" as I like call it, you have a very important decision to make.... "do I just go get a drink from the bathroom faucet, or should I go from something in the fridge?

Somewhere along the way, I have been lead to believe that the water that comes out of the bathroom sink isn't as clean as the water that comes out of the kitchen. I'm not sure if there's any truth to that... but it's deeply rooted. I think it must have been something my brother Chuck told me when we were kids just to mess with me... but he never said "just kidding" and I never asked anyone... so now I just assume that somehow the bathroom faucet and the toilet are somehow closely connected...

So, 9 times out of 10 I just go to the kitchen. That ONE time out of 10 is when I'm really tired and I'm relatively sure I'll be able to get back to sleep once I've gotten a drink.

But, as a rule, I generally venture to the kitchen.... or Level two.

Anyone who has been to our house knows we live with the house cordoned off by a series of gates. It's been the easiest way to keep the peace between the animals, giving each of them their own "sleep zone".

Tucker's sleep zone is the living room/Kitchen/Dining area... also known as the areas which are tiled!

So once Tucker uses his sonic hearing to pick up on the sound of me opening the bedroom door, which I THOUGHT was nearly inaudible, I hear him bounce OUT of my recliner and onto the floor. That same recliner does him in too!

As I try to keep Tucker from getting too "jumpy" so as to avoid Holli getting "Barky" I step OVER the gate and make it into the kitchen.

This is when Tucker is SURE it must be time to go outside... it must just be REALLY cloudy out... but since "daddy" is awake, it's "pee pee/ poo poo" time.

I try to reason with him... "No, son... it's too early... it's still nigh nigh! go back to seepies... go on!"

Of COURSE he'll have none of it! He gets even MORE excited... turning briefly into a horse and REARING up on his hind legs... getting closer to mustering up a "day time bark".

Meanwhile, back in zone one, Holli is watching the WHOLE THING and I hear the guttural "pre bark" building!

QUICKLY I remember the ONE SINGLE WORD that renders them silent, obedient and loving! "do y'all need a SNACKIE?" I ask.

Peace is restored!

While they're enjoying their snackies, I know that I have to get my drink ready and get back over the gate BEFORE they finish or else I'm trapped!

It's not as easy as it once was now that we've given up sodas!

USED to, I could thrust my hand into the fridge without looking and locate that all too familiar icy cold can of diet coke! Now, it takes a minute...

I have to look around the jugs of filtered water, the cartons of milk or juice, to find that last bottle of sugar free, caffeine free, calorie free, sodium free "flavored" seltzer water.

I grab it and head to level 3... the computer room/ cat's room.

As I step over HER gate, I open my bottle and it makes that carbonated "HISSSSSSS" sound that we ENJOY hearing because it means the drink hasn't gone flat.

The CAT however, wasn't expecting it... so as I open it, I hear knocking about and papers shuffling in the general direction of where she sleeps.

Apparently, the sound that signals my refreshing drink is going to be delicious... is very similar to the sound the "Cat Devil" makes when he's coming to "GIT" them.

As I sit down at the computer, I hear Lovey's faint, scared but thankful "mew" as she comes toward me to make sure it's actually ME ... and once again... not the "Cat Devil" who apparently takes on other shapes. See that's a very common misunderstanding... apparently cats are EXTREMELY religious... but it's one of those odd "The Devil's gonna get you for that" fundamental churches.... It's not the MEAN kind... I mean, I've never seen Lovey picketing... but given some of the "surprises" she has brought into the house... she may be a "snake handler".

Anyway, by now, I've fully accepted that I am not going to get back to sleep... so I sat down and wrote this sad but true tale of how I got to this point this morning!

AND I'VE ONLY BEEN UP FOR AN HOUR!?!?!?

political e-VENTing

Am I suffering from a concussion?

I feel like I recently saw a guy who is paid to bring in ratings for a national "news" channel actually hosting a mass sermon?

What is going on?

Look, I have no problems with people voicing their proclaimed faith... but lets face it, this was a blatant use of faith for political gain.

It's the equivalent of cigarettes coming in a pack that has a bible verse on it... Addictive poison, wrapped in faith.

For a long time, I didn't really address this whole increase in Glen Beckism.... I thought, like yoga, it would pass once people realized it's just too much of a stretch.

But... alas, it seems it's here to stay.

Let me say, I think it's great we live in a country where Glen Beck can say whatever he wants about whoever he wants... but, I think it's terrible we live in a country where he is speaking the obvious as if he INVENTED it... and people are too stupid to realize it.

I mean, at the core, his alleged message is for people to be self reliant and to pray to the god of their choice.... These are good things right? But do we really need anyone to TELL us this?

And lets face it, he wasn't talking about ALL faiths... I mean, this was just for TV, right? And it really HAD to be a bit more "middle of the road" since it was held at a national landmark.

This IS the same guy who coined the "obamanation", right? He IS the same one who continues to claim Obama is Muslim, right? Yet we are to assume he also wants his islamic followers (if any) to pray to Allah?

Most educated people can SEE this... but it's not the educated I'm worried about.

One quick search of Youtube provides a multitude of unedited interviews with some of the people who attended the rally... and ... well... they're a special bunch.

Some of them blame Obama for taking prayer out of public events... some of them claim, Obama is letting the foreigners come take our jobs... REALLY?

As I see it, these people are pissed that the country isn't what it once was... they're mad because more and more jobs are being eliminated and no new ones are coming in.

For this, they want someone to blame! So rather than blame Congress, the governing body ultimately responsible for any law or policy in the country, they blame the President.

And why do they do this? Because they lack basic education in the way our country works! And rather than take time to understand it... they ACCEPT any viewpoint that it spoon fed to them... especially when offered by a charasmatic media figure or a tiara wearing "politician".

So instead of working hard and going to college and fighting for the american dream... it's easier to sit in a lawn chair at a rally, puffing a cigarette and complaining that all the foreignors have the good jobs.

Ya know what? There may actually be some truth to that.

Because while many americans sit back waiting for the Government to make their lives better... many of these "foreigners" are coming to America, attending colleges and becoming doctors. All while Americans wait for the Government... or the media to tell them what they should do next.

Meanwhile, the "foreigners" are working and paying taxes which pay for those SAME AMERICANS welfare or food stamps?!?!?

If you think I'm wrong... Just look at any hospital directory!?!? Reading those names is like reading the ingredients of paint! ;-p I can't pronounce ANY of it!

I think we're just at such a dangerous crossroad.

I mean, is it a good idea to put our faith in a charasmatic speaker who has risen from obscurity to lead a political movement aimed at reclaiming the former glory of our fatherland? Let's ask any of the survivors of the Jewish death camps what they think?

People... THINK FOR YOURSELVES! Don't let someone TELL you what you believe!

As I told a friend earlier tonight... the same people SCREAMING to "TAKE AMERICA BACK" are the same ones who gave it away, piece by piece!

OK... and here is where I reuse my joke from earlier... I can do that since I'm 38 now... I also told her I was going to start my own political party... the "Tupperware Party"... so I can put a lid on it! ;-p

Please... please, just don't!

I have recently come to the conclusion that I may actually be rotten to the core.

I'm finding that with each additional day that I'm alive... something new grates on my nerves.

the latest culprit... whistling!

I totally understand that the first person to ever whistle was likely lauded as the hero of the tribe... and honestly, I can see that it probably came in handy to the cave people who needed to communicate across long distances... or who simply needed it as their sole musical instrument...

but... now, we have cell phones and too many musical instruments to even count!!! In Fact, MANY of them are represented in apps on my phone!

last week, I was walking though Wal-Mart... so you can assume I was already at "World Hatred Level 7" when across the store I heard it! That airy, keyless, uncontrolled mouth warble!

This guy was apparently extremely happy to be walking through Wal Mart!

I tell you, I could hear it across the entire store...

At first, it was just a slight annoyance... but as it continued, I felt the RAGE FILLING MY BODY!

I HAD to track this guy down!

So I began my hunt... slinking though the racks of 5 dollar jeans and t-shirts that attempted to capture the trends of last year....

Then, across the bra section... I caught a glimpse of him...

I QUICKLY ducked so he wouldn't see me... then it occurred to me that I'm a 38 year old man bobbing and weaving in the BRA section!!! So I quickly mad it to the pets section.

All the while, that tuneless... off pitch abomination CONTINUED!

I mean, ever so often I'd hear a tiny section of his puckered performance that sounded a little familiar... "Ohhhh... that's Amazing Grace... wait! No... it's Lady Gaga..."

I just couldn't imagine how someone could be so unaware.... so full of themselves that they must pollute the ears of the world with this wretched harmony.

As I continued my hunt... weaving down aisles and around people who were hogging entire walkways with their apparent FAMILY REUNION going on!!!!

This is when I started thinking about what I would say to this tonal terrorist! Working the whole conversation out in my mind..."What the HELL do you think you're doing!?!?!? If we wanted to HEAR that whistley crap, we'd pop in a Mariah Carey CD!!!""" Yeah, THAT'S what I'll tell him!

Finally, I could tell I was getting closer... "He MUST be heading to the checkout!!!

At that moment, I felt more determined than I EVER HAD.... I wheeled around the Cards aisle and set my sights on him.... at that moment... I finally focussed on more than the pulsating rage that was giving me tunnel vision... The whistler.... was a priest! A PRIEST for God's sake... literally!

I couldn't spew forth my planned script of strong words and snide comments to a PRIEST!?!? I started checking for boils or other signs of plague considering all the INCREDIBLY IRREVERENT thoughts I had about him! I mean, in the old testament, people were smote for less, am I right? Besides, I have pretty much lived with the belief that there is a giant "lightning bolt attracting" target on the top of my head... That's why God made me so tall!!!

At the end of the day, I realized 3 things.

1... as much as I hate to accept it... I am not the supervisor in charge of all things acceptable in the free world.

2... I am not Catholic.

and 3... Never go to Wal-Mart without taking Xanex and my headphones for my iPod!

Southern Musings...

Have you ever noticed how, in the south, we accept so many strange phrases and improper uses of tense?

I was outside working on the pool when I realized I go Mosquito bit.... see? That's totally acceptable! Even though in the rest of the free world people would likely say they had been bitten by a mosquito.

Or how about those people who have no clue about the anatomy of a southern critter... they just come in and say "I got stung by a mosquito"... WHAT? Silly Yankee...

There are so many things that have become part of our language that just seem odd sometimes...

For years, when people asked me to do something I didn't want to do, I'd say "I'd druther not". DRUTHER? That's not even a word, is it?

These southernisms have permeated even the most sacred chapels of the written word... the news room.

I can remember SEVERAL conversations over the years about words that may or may not exist... One example comes to mind.... "Tump" ... (Can you use it in a sentence) Be careful, you're liable to tump that pot over! (can i have a definition?) to force or cause something to fall over.

See, even without my definition, you totally knew what I was talking about, right? I bet you even pictured the hand motions that go along with the warning that you might tump something over...

And then there are the REAL words that we give a new twist! Who hasn't had to go get some "warshin powders" for an older family member? I mean, without them, how can they rainch out their clothes?

I remember my little pentecostal Nanny had a whole SLEW of words she made her own...

For years I thought the act of quickly bringing something to a boil before chilling it was actually called "Blainching" ... As in ... "to make poke salet, you have to rainch it... blainch it... rainch it again then bawl it... otherwise it's pison"

You know, I joke a lot about my backwoods heritage.. but I love it! I absolutely miss the days of hearing that all too familiar cadence and drawl.

Before the world told me it sounded silly, I thought it sounded warm... wholesome... it meant I was home, with people I love!

I often write about my time in Waldron, Arkansas... I didn't actually "grow up" there. We actually lived in Barling, Arkanasas most of my childhood.

But whenever there was a break from school... a holiday... or just a week when times were tough for my Mom and Dad, we raced to Waldron for our salvation.

Whether my cousin Sandy and I were playing in "Memaw's Branch" (our great grandmother's ditch that occasionally housed a snapping turtle or some wayward silver bellies) or I was walking with my cousin Angie from my Nanny's house out on East 80 to Walmart out on the bypass! (trust me, that was a much longer walk than we expected) All of the memories I have of Waldron are safe ones!

Waldron is where we went when things got rough! It was sort of like base, once you were there... you were safe.

So even now when I'm feeling down... when I'm longing for lost days... I think back to the days of Bethel's Dry Goods and Ben Franklin... and I always smile.

Things that make me want to punch someone in the neck!

Hello All! yes, it's been a while since I've posted anything... I've been working on another project and it seems to take all my creativity...

That said... What the HELL is happening in the world?

OK, so first... We are now nearly 2 months into the worst disaster in US History!

I can NOT believe that we can land probes on other planets... That we can clone animals... that we have MAPPED the entire human genome... but we just can't keep Lindsay Lohan from drinking!

Ok... I'm kidding... Unlike EVERY mainstream media outlet in the country... I couldn't care LESS about that skank! I mean, so what if she's a pill popping Alkie?!?!? Is that REALLY so odd in this day an age? Don't we all have at least one "Lindsay" in our lives? And what do we do to OUR "Lindsays"? We AVOID them, right?

If we are truly disgusted by the " Lindsay Spears Hiltons" of the world... we should all just pledge to ignore them! The really WOULD go away!

Ewww... can you imagine if there really were a "Lindsay Spears Hilton"? That bitch would be messsssssssssed uuuuuuup!

I may take a cue from Oprah and start asking all the guests on my show (also known as all the people who just come over to my house and sit around & watch TV) to sign a "No Skank Zone" pledge!

I MAY also have them sign a "No Oprah Zone" pledge... I mean, who the heck is she to have ME stop using my phone? It doesn't even APPLY to her.... When do you really think was the last time she drove herself anywhere? When was the last time she got finished with her show... hopped in her Hyundai Accent, that she's 2 months behind on.... whipped through McDonalds... where she paid with the change that was in her console? She's SO far out of touch! I mean... that's why she has to give away "Her Favorite Things" because none of the rest of us could AFFORD them!?!?! Favorite things.... Good Grief.... I'll TELL you some of MY favorite things.. Electricity, Water and Gas!

This brings me to my next topic... People who are too damn rich for their own good running for office for "my good".

REALLY??? you're serious??? This isn't some crazy reality show?

At last count, Meg Whitman... the former ceo of Ebay had spent more than 68 MILLION DOLLARS of her OWN MONEY for her "bid" for the California Governors Office!?!?!?!? 68 MILLION?!?!?!? I don't know what kind of world SHE lives in... but in MY world... if I had 68 million dollars... Fixing the government would be the LAST of my concerns!

It would have been cheaper for her to start her OWN state and just run THAT! Hell, she could have bought that island from Lost!

I keep thinking that maybe she's just confused? That maybe she thought she was bidding on the office, Like on Ebay? And she just put in some ridiculous amount, thinking SURELY someone else will out bid me!

I mean, People with that much money have NO CLUE about the types of issues that affect and concern me!

The last politician, and maybe the only one in my life that I've felt actually UNDERSTOOD America... and CARED about it, was Bill Clinton.

You can say whatever you want about what did on his "time off" but when he was on the job, None of us had time to be pissed off, because we all had jobs! We didn't freak out about the war in the gulf so much, because gas was 98 cents a gallon!!!!

Bill Clinton was like that friend that always shows up at the family cookout with a couple cases of beer.

But you know what... he always got the job done!

In fact, have you noticed that whenever there's a big ole mess going on... the first thing the president does is send Bill Clinton?

Think about it... Katrina, Haiti... and I'm willing to bet by the end of the week we'll him walking along a beach on the gulf.

Why is he so popular? Because he was the last president who was one of us. He knew what it was like to live on a tight budget with a single mom. He knew that you don't buy something until you're sure your check is gonna be there! And he knew that every decision he made didn't just affect how he would be remembered... but it would also affect each of our lives!

I mean, lets face it... I voted for Obama... but this has certainly been no picnic. I think we all know now that we should have gone with Hillary... If SHE were in office, BP would stand for "Bitch, please!" !!!

Get outta my FACEbook!

I think it's actually possible that I, in fact, am mean to the core.

I certainly don't DENY that... And I guess admitting it is the first step...

Here's my issue du jour....

What's the deal with Facebook?

At least 5 times a day I am asked to join groups like "I hate Cancer" or "stop animal cruelty"...

My question is... Would people actually believe that I, in fact, do NOT hate Cancer or animal cruelty if I didn't join those groups?

Like I might actually be PRO Cancer and Animal abuse?

Are people actually viewing my profile saying things like "ok... he's 30 something... from the south... seems to have a LOT of personal views... I think I'll request him as a frie.... WAIT... He doesn't hate Cancer or animal abuse!!! WHAT an ASS!!! Why doesn't he HATE CANCER and ANIMAL ABUSE?!?!?! That's it... I'm reporting him to Tom!!!"

Look, here's the deal... Anyone who knows me knows that I have an opinion about almost EVERYTHING! And while my views are often...well... shall we say somewhat inflamatory... I would hope that people realize I am being a bit satirical. That I'm taking my personal view to the furthest extreme possible.

For example... A few weeks ago I caught HELL for suggesting that I think Children should be spanked... I'm not saying that it should be a law... I was just suggesting that personally... in MY view... children SHOULD be spanked!

Now you have to consider all the variables in my view...

One, I was raised in a deeply religious southern family. For them, the BIBLE abdicated spanking. You could load your argument with statistics from every childcare specialist who ever lived... but if that report didn't include the "Chapter and verse" where it's basis could be found... then it was clearly of the devil.

Two, I don't HAVE children... Nor do I want them. If that makes me a bad person, so be it! We can chat about that when you come over to my house and can open ANY cabinet or power outlet you'd like... I'll cook a REAL meal and we'll even eat it on my good china which I don't have to lock up! Simply put... I like having freedom and nice things more than I like having a little xerox of myself arguing with me.

And three, My view is honestly more of a nod for PARENTS to consider their chosen punishment before they come to my house... or sit near me in a restaurant... or get in line near me at virtually any store! While your children may be blessings from the little baby Jesus in YOUR eyes... They are NOT, so much, in mine. I have searched the world for "adult" stores or "adult" restaurants... but it seems the only time "Adult" is included in the title... you're gonna see someone "nekkid".

I'm not saying that MY view is the RIGHT view... I'm just saying it's MINE... and I admit that I'm mean... I accept that I'm hateful... but I expect you to acknowledge that I have the right to be... >;-p

I mean, regardless of my opinion... I'm still paying taxes to fund your child's school... even though I will NEVER have use for it...

I'm still helping to fund programs that pay for lower income people to spout out a few kids... because it's just easier to have kids than to get a job...

Hell, I'm even still buying candy from all the little rug-rats who come peddling at my door! In fact, I honestly probably buy more than YOU...

CLEARLY, I know that I'm kind of a jerk... but I'm honest about it! I don't hide behind some "supposed view" because it's the "right thing to think"...

I'll always tell you what I think... and I admit... that's probably not always a good thing.

There's an old adage... "It is best to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt"... (sucks for me...) but then again... that applies to the people who attack me for MY views...

Where's the "like" button for that? ;-o

I do NOT heart Huckabees... or any of their like!

Do you ever get the feeling that people are SO focussed on making sure THEIR chosen morality becomes law, that they never look at the things THEY may be doing that violate their own beliefs?

OK... This one's probably gonna make some people mad...

Here's the deal. I don't know why people like Mike Huckabee care about 2 consenting same sex people getting married? Or people like the Family Council care whether children who likely will grow up in the state system with NO parents are allowed to be adopted or fostered by a loving couple, married or not?

Pardon my crass view... but does "what you do with your private" REALLY determine whether you're a good parent? And are these groups not bigger pervert than they accuse others of being since they literally sit around... have meetings... and DISCUSS forementioned "privates usage"?

I would like to go on the record with MY views... because God knows I have a view. ;-p

As for marriage.

I believe that if some people are legally barred from entering into that institution... then it should not provide federal, fiscal benefits for those who CAN. Morality views aside... Why should the federal government offer tax credits for people JUST because they got married and/or "did it"?

If, as the Huckabees of the world would have us believe, marriage is a matter of faith and a union that is set forth in the bible... FINE... Keep it as such and remove federal benefits! If it's about "love"... then put your money where your mouth is...

And as for adoption... If you want to prevent me, as an unmarried person who honestly doesn't believe in marriage, from adopting... then don't expect me to pay taxes that benefit schools or any other children's group!

Let's face it folks... there are a LOT of people out there who got married as more of a business proposition. Their business becomes the fabrication of numerous carbon copies of themselves.

All too often it becomes easier and more lucrative for couple to just stay at home and keep having kids than for them to both get jobs!!!

Why should I, as an unmarried person with no children, have to continue paying for these people to keep having kids? Through Wedding Showers, Wedding Gifts, Baby Showers... Birthday gifts.... "AR Kids First", welfare, medicaid, millages, taxes... girl scout cookies... WHEN DOES IT END???

When it really comes down to it... I honestly don't care if I'm not invited to the dinner table... just don't expect ME to pick up the check!

My newly adopted viewpoint on the matter...

May I just take a quick moment to ask... What the hell is going on in the world?

I was watching one of the news channels and heard the story about the woman who adopted a young russian kid but it didn't work out so she sent him back to russia with a note!?!?!?!?

REALLY????

You know, this story is wrong on SO many levels...

Firstly... is it REALLY that easy for "some" people to adopt???? I mean, I can't accept that there was ANY type of background check on this woman!?!? Is it just because she was adopting a foreign child and since they're not "really" americans they don't count? Is there a white haired lady behind a desk in her office adorned with religious art who just decided "well.. even if their new parents beat them... at least they get to come to America"?

To think that this little boy, who was just 6 at the time he was adopted, was sent here to a totally strange country.... and when (SURPRISE!!!) he had a little trouble adjusting... this "mother" decided "rather than work to help him... I should just send him back... I don't have the receipt... but I bet they can look it up if I just send them a note".

That is the problem with Americans today! We have become a generation of "trashers". If something isn't EXACTLY what we want, we just throw it away and go get a new one!!!!

You know, I sometimes wonder how we got to this point? I mean, My grandmother Alberta had a large wad of foil in her kitchen drawer that she used and reused often! I think she may have bought the roll shortly after WWII and just kept re-using it! It's not that she couldn't afford to go out and buy a new roll of Reynolds Wrap... there was just no NEED to. I mean, the foil she HAD worked just fine!

And my other grandmother, Nanny... She canned vegetable from her garden every year... and I think she used the same set of jars she bought at the green stamp store, circa 1958! There was no NEED to get new jars!!! Just get some new "seals" and she was good to go!

So what, in say 30 years time, happened to turn us all into a bunch of "users"?

My theory? Wal-Mart

Think about it... before wal-mart... people saved up for quality items and then took care of them!!! Heck, they often passed items as simple as a saw or doll down from generation to generation!!!

Then, Walmart came along...

All of the sudden, items were mass produced! Sure, they LOOK shiny on the shelf... but can you think of a single item you still have in your house right now that you bought at Wal-Mart 10 years ago?

We're a generation that has been programmed to have no long term attachment to any purchases! There's always something thats bigger and better!

That tangent aside, I still can't believe how many people failed that little boy.

I mean, his "mom" put him on a plane with a NOTE!!!! What does it say about homeland security that not one flight attendant thought it was odd?!?!? Not one person READ that note and alerted police BEFORE that kids got back to Russia?!?!?!

There are SO many people to blame in this... and while I still say Wal-mart is to blame for the THINKING of a generation... lets face it... if she were returning a white russian at Wal-Mart... she'd still have needed a receipt!

Marlboro Memories...

OK, OK... I know it's been a really long time since I blogged... but I have been fighting the "nicotine demons".

Happy to say, I'm winning SO far... it's been 4 months now.

I had to sort of take a break from life for a little while to retrain myself how to live without cigarettes.

It truly is amazing how that habit infiltrated my entire life.

I remember the first cigarette I ever smoked... and while I KNOW that *I* am to blame for my own actions... I still like to throw a little guilt my sister's way. >;-)

See, many years ago, my dad had sent us down to the store to buy him a pack... at THAT time, they cost right at a dollar a pack. For some unknown reason my sister, who was 12 at the time, asked for 2 packs.

We walked back across the 5 lane highway to get back home... Gave dad HIS smokes and then hurriedly ran to the side of the house with OUR pack.

I guess Dad had to leave because for some reason, the only people home were my sister, me ... and unbeknownst to us... our older brother, Charles... or Chuck as we called him.

Once my sister (whose name I'm omitting to avoid lawsuits... although MOST of you who know ME know HER) was relatively certain that we were alone... she opened the pack, lit one and then gave one to me. I think she must have been thinking that by giving ME one she was making me just as guilty as her... so I wouldn't tell.

So there we stood, nestled behind the overgrown cedar tree... beside the wall of Virginia Creeper... She, with her "square pegs style cutoff overalls" and me, most likely wearing giranimals shorts and an underoos shirt.... both of us stood there puffing those horrible death sticks.

As my sister and I continued our secret beatnik party beside that house at 1104 C street... As we, the 12 and 6 year olds talked about our lives over a cigarette... our brother POPPED around the corner!

AHA!!!!!!! He said... My sister and I stood there, frozen in fear... finding only the will to throw down our cigarettes with such force that they bounced at our feet.

"I'M TELLING MOMMA!!!!"" Chuck said. My sister was quick to offer him a cigarette so as to lure him into our guilt spiral, from which NO "tattling" could escape!

It was no use! Chuck had just stumbled onto the juciest, most sordid piece of information that any of us in our young lives had EVER learned!

As Chuck walked back into the house... As my sister and I sent him off to a chorus of "I don't care... tell her! TELL HER MOMMA'S BOY!!!" Then, only then did my sister launch our one and only option!

"We'll just smoke them all... and bury the evidence somewhere CHUCK will NEVER FIND IT". It sounded so reasonable that it just HAD to work!

So there, in the hidden side yard between OUR house and "Claude and Loretta Rains" house... we, the preteen offenders began our daunting task.

I distinctly remember standing there with a cigarette in each hand, peeping around the corner watching for any hint of that 1977 Red Datsun Station Wagon that Mom drove with pride!

There, hiding in the shrub, we puffed like we were trying to siphon that last gallon of gas in all existence!

After the 5th or 6th cigarette... I began to feel a little "unwell".

As a 6 year old in a "paycheck to paycheck" family... I was actually used to running and playing outside since we didn't really have anything worth doing INSIDE...

Being that I was ALWAYS running.. I was actually in pretty good shape... I OFTEN ran long distances at high speeds without even breaking a sweat! Not even when I was running from a bee... or the devil! But there, in our tar stained hide out... I was feeling a bit clammy.

We finished the whole pack... and buried the evidence.

When Mom got home, Chuck waited about 10 minutes to watch us squirm... but he told her. We were CERTAIN that there would be NO WAY Mom could link us to such outrageous activities as "child smoking"... but... as it turns out... Nonsmoking mothers can usually pick up the scent of cigarettes on the breath of their 6 and 12 year olds!?!?!

My sister never smoked again after that! Unfortunately... I did.

You know, my childhood is FULL of these crazy little stories. At the time, I felt like I was losing out by not having the best toys or cable TV... but now I know *I* was the lucky one!

I still think about those days every time I drive by 1104 C street in Barling, Arkansas. One of these days I'm going to hop out and dig on the side of that house.. just to see if any of our "evidence" is still there! ;-)

Snow? I feel some nostalgia coming on!

I don't know what it is about snow that makes us think of the past? Past Christmases, past trips or just our childhood in general.

Now, most people know that I am a product of a strict southern childhood. That is a fact that I neither hide nor regret.... but instead I wear it proudly like a giant belt buckle or some turquoise jewelry.

I grew up in Waldron, Arkansas... just south of the "snow possibility" line.

I can remember almost every day that I spent in Waldron. From Birthdays at Nanny & Papaws... to Holidays at Abb & Alberta's.... To entire summer breaks spent with my cousin Sandy.

Sandy is a bit older than me and therefore responsible for any of my poor judgement that might have occurred while in Waldron. I'm not sure that statement would hold up in court... but I think it explains a few things.

Anytime Sandy and I were going to spend time in Waldron, it all began with the battle for 2 things... the "gold couch" and the "blue cup".

As strange as that sounds, the loss of either or both of those items could certainly derail your entire trip.

The "Gold Couch" was one of 2 couches that Abb & Alberta ( my grandparents) had in their living room. Those couches became our beds when we stayed there.

It was called the "Gold Couch" because of the coarse, thick, yellowy gold yarn that was woven together to create the most coveted upholstery Sandy and I had ever seen.

The couch honestly looked more like a really long chair as it had a tall back that provided full lumbar support even before scientists understood it's benefit!

The other couch, the "green couch" was quite different. It's was a common green color... with upholstery that failed to make ANY statement of greatness... sure, it had many pillows... but they were common, unimpressive pillows.

As I remember it, the rules of the claim game were this. The first person to claim it when BOTH participants were inside the house gained legal, indisputable control of said item.

MANY times I remember stepping into my grandparents' house only to hear a faint echo coming from the bathroom down the hall... " I GET THE GOLD COUCH AND THE BLUE CUP!!!!!"

Immediately, I could feel the blood rushing to my face while my hopes for a good vacation were falling to the floor.

The Gold Couch AND the Blue Cup?!?!? I may as well just turn around and go home!

Then, Sandy would come sauntering into the living room, carrying that victorious chalice... that coveted cup... The BLUE cup.

See, the Blue cup was just ONE of a set of 4 plastic cups... There was the Blue cup... the red cup... the yellow cup... and the green cup.

The cups were identical in all ways... except for the majestic blue dye that was used to create that glorious glass!

Sandy would walk into the living room, carrying the cup filled with fizzing soda... she'd plop down on the GOLD couch, take a sip from the BLUE cup and say "Ahhhhhhhhhhh."

All I could do is look ahead, sipping from my bland cup... sitting on my basic couch... and just YEARN for the day *I* would would have that absolute power.... possessing both the Gold couch and the Blue cup!

I think about those times on days like today. I remember how we filled every possible moment with wonder and fun.... Whether we were playing "office"... or even when we played "Knight Rider". (By the way.. when we did... SANDY ALWAYS had Kitt as HER car... my car was called Lightning and of course it couldn't do all the things Kitt could do)

My point is, even though I spent most of my childhood in second place... I was so lucky to have that childhood. Nothing could replace all the crazy memories of Sandy and me scaring each other... of all the crazy "potions" we made in the bathroom. (it's a wonder we didn't accidentally make meth!) And even the summer I found out that unlike Sandy, I am not allergic to poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac.

Actually, that summer may have been the best one of them all! >:-)

Can people REALLY be THAT tone deaf?

Well, it has begun!

The annual task of determining exactly who will be our American Idol... to reign over us... unite the world through song... and show that music truly IS the answer... Mwah ha ha ha ha! I almost didn't get through that!

We all know that American Idol and shows of that ilk serve one and only one purpose... so that we can sit at home and watch people make fools of themselves... and if lucky... cry as their dreams are dashed.

What is it about seeing the humiliation and destruction of others that makes such good TV?

But in all fairness, aren't these people honestly just setting themselves up? Don't they actually kind of have it coming?

And while American Idol is the main platform for this atrocity, doesn't it really exist all around us?

I mean, I watch that show and see those bleach blond, ditzy girls who walk in there like they are Lady GaGa...

They all have such confidence... "I KNOW I'm the next American Idol... everybody says so!"

Then... that awful moment. I mean, you usually can't tell for the first couple notes... but there are some who are just insufferable the instant that first sound escapes their mouth!

And you know, If I was up there and I saw the Judges reacting badly... maybe laughing... I have to think I would stop... but they don't, do they?

Granted, sometimes it's because they're following the Christina Aguilara school of performance... Eyes closed... head moving... hand accentuating the high and low notes...

Then, when the judges offer that sage advice that they should NEVER sing again.... they always look so surprised!?!?!

OK... So I just can't accept that ANYONE can be THAT self unaware!

What kind of mental abuse is being offered toward these performers if their friends and family actually ENCOURAGE them?

I mean, I'm sure it starts as a simple "white lie"... like when your friend shows you pictures of their baby who was delivered naturally... with that pointy head... and you're compelled to say "ohhhhhh, how CUTE!!!!!".... Cut to 3 years later when the kid is still bald.... but wearing those "stick on" bows in her photos for "the prettiest baby" contest!?!?!?

See, by then, we're invested in the lie... you can't exactly go back and say... "girrrrrllll.... I'm sorry I thought you KNEW I was just being nice.... your baby looks like an ankle!!!"

So we just let it go! We may actually even start to believe the lie a little... Suddenly EVERYTHING that ugly little kid does is "GREAAAAATTTT!!!! A Gift from baby Jesus, just amazing!!!"

And there's not an easy way to bring the parent and the child for that matter back to reality! There's no script for it... well... there wasn't... until now.

Let's revisit Betty and Brenda and Brenda's daughter Angeline is examining her career possibilities...

Brenda- Betty? Did I tell you? Angeline just got her pictures back... we're going to get her an agent to help get her into modeling!

Betty- Ohhhhhhhhhh, Bless your heart, is that right?

Brenda- Yeah, everyone is always going on about how pretty and talented she is... What did

that photographer say? Oh yeah, that she had a lot of the same features as Anne Hathaway!!!

Betty-Really? Are you sure he said ANNE Hathaway? Not Jane?

Brenda- Oh HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ! Are you talking about "Miss Jane" from Beverly Hillbillies? HA HA HA HA HA You are so funny, Betty!!!!

Betty-Oh Ha ha ha... yeah... you know me... always a joker... So what happened with Angeline's

job over at the school cafeteria?

Brenda- She's gonna give it up... We're just so certain she's going to make it!!! We took a loan

We're dumping our savings into her big chance!

Betty- OH JESUS!!!! Umm Er.. Jesus Loves the little children... I have always loved that song... Well, I'll be praying for you... er.. her... You know... maybe before you go through all

that, maybe she should go for American Idol!!!!