Critter Wars!

When I moved to my home in Van Buren, Arkansas... I encountered a bug that I had never seen before.

I've since found out these scary little bugs are known as "House Centipedes".

This first time I ever saw one, I had just moved in and was sitting on the newly carpeted floor, watching TV.

As you might have guessed from all those legs... these little boogers can HAUL! By the time you've seen something out of the corner of your eye.... They are ON you!

Now, I am not really afraid of spiders or most bugs... My only REAL "bug fear" is the Scorpion!

My brother Charles used his knowledge of this fear to scare me mercilessly.... Sometimes meticulously cutting a scorpion image out of a magazine and placing it along my base board... or on my bed... He even bought me one of those Oklahoma Paper weights that has a scorpion inside it... yeah, it was greeeeeaaaaaaaat.

So with my prior knowledge of the way scorpions look when they quickly trek across your carpet... I nearly went into a fear induced seizure when a house centipede darted across the floor and onto me!

Most people who know me, know that I really hate to kill anything... I will usually catch the critter and set it free outside. That's not a Buddhist belief... I think it'd more for all the times My cousin Sandy and I would catch things... and our uncle Billy would begin telling us about that creatures family... how they would be wondering what happened to it... maybe even holding search parties or hanging tiny little signs. Needless to say, the Scorpion in my one exception.

One night I killed one of these bugs as they darted across the floor... really just so I could make sure it WASN'T a scorpion... if it HAD been... I was ready to pack up and move again!

When I lifted the shoe I used to kill this thing... I was confused. I mean... what WAS this thing? It looked like false eye-lashes had fallen to the floor and took off running really really fast.

Then, I started worrying that I might have killed some endangered bug... I mean... If I, being a person of country/hill people heritage had never seen one... it MUST be rare!

After a long talk with a friend at the Extension Office and countless hours of web searches... the bug was identified.

Turns out, these creepy little bugs are actually GOOD to have around. They eat spiders and other bugs.

I've since tried to just let them be... it's kind of hard... because some of these things have been more than 3 inches long !

We've sprayed many times... but it doesn't seem to have a huge affect on them.

I'm cool with them, for the most part, but there is nothing that will shake you awake like seeing the light from the alarm clock cascading off a bug darting up your wall!

ewwwwwwwwwwww! Heeeeebie Jeeeeeebies!

Motivation: An experiement in ... ah... whatever

So Here it is AUGUST already and I have NO motivation to complete all my goals for 2009!

What's the deal with that?

I mean, this is the first year in nearly 20 years that I've had a schedule that would permit me time to work on my personal goals... and yet... nothing.

I KNOW what it is... It's that stupid TV and all the glorious shows to which I am now addicted!

Let me give you a rundown of my favorite shows... and a brief synopsis of why these shows are television gold!

Of all the reality shows ever created... Big Brother is the only one I would ever want to go on! And let me tell you why.

Winning that game is TOTALLY about listening and learning... and convincing other people that YOUR goals are actually THEIRS.... I could... and totally have had to do that!

look people... I worked to TV stations for 18 years of my life! The ONLY way to survive that long in that field is to play mental chess!

Don't get me wrong... most of the people I worked with were amazing, truly genuine people... but I can say without reservation that at every station I worked, there were people in power who certainly never should have been. But... I, as well as others, smiled... complemented them on their great ideas... maybe even told them they looked like they lost weight... all the while, sneaking our own ideas into the system... and convincing management that it was THEIR idea...

I'm serious people... I could TOTALLY win that show!

Another show I think is great is "The Colony".

The premise for this show is that there's a group of people who have survived some sort of apocolypse and now they're trying to recreate certain parts of civilization.

What I LOVE about this show is that there's a realistic element that none of the other survivor shows have... People can attack you and steal your stuff!

I mean THINK about it... that's totally what would happen in real life... Heck.. it's what DOES happen...

Not that this is any comparison, but I live in a pretty nice neighborhood... presumably safe. Yet every year, kids steal things out of my yard! Whether it's a pumpkin at Halloween or a yard decoration... it's still stolen.

I'd like to invent a new show about protecting your home... maybe featuring new inventions... something like "motion sensing tasers" that you could hide in your shrubs? Of course that would HAVE to come with a camera... I mean... there is no better joy than seeing a thief get tazed while trying to steal something... it only makes it that much better if it's a mean little kid. >:-)

Rounding up my weekly viewing is Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss...

I actually think I Like Cake Boss better than Ace of Cakes. I mean, that guys cakes look more edible than Duff's on Ace of Cakes.

Duff's people make some amazing "cakes" but only a small part is actually edible. pretty much every part of the cake on "Cake Boss" is edible... AND they make other cakes that actually look like... well... cakes... and they look sooooooo goood.

You know... looking at my viewing habits... I'm starting to see why I've become a chubby hermit! <:-0

What did I EAT ?

I may have had the STRANGEST dream I've ever had last night.

Most people who know me know that I can usually pinpoint certain elements of a dream and can tell why I dreamed about it... but this one really left me scratching my head... so if there are any dream interpreters out there... Here ya go!

OK... so the the dream started with me back at UCA in Conway. There was a competition where you were given a big plastic sword and a list of people you had to tag. If you tagged everyone on your list, your name went into a drawing for $10,000.

My list was random and somehow included my parents.. As soon as I got my list and saw them on it... I went to the dining center (where they were sipping coffee) Tagged them and moved on.

The next two people on my list were so random that it was just odd! I mean, I KNOW them... but I haven't seen either of them in years... unless you count a few e-mails on Facebook.

I was supposed to tag Greg Robinson and Leahe Shultis.

In my dream, they were both in line at the dining center at UCA. I think it must have been around Halloween because everyone was dressed in costume... Greg and Leahe were dressed as Pilgrims. (wait it get's stranger)

So I quickly tag Greg... but I had to hide until Leahe walked by and I quickly tagged her! She turned around and said... "Oh, Heyyy.... Sorry... I'm just not feeling well". I remember telling her she looked really good and she could probably wear the skirt part of her costume with other things. (?) .....

Right then, she said "I need to sit down"... We sat on a couch that was right there next to the line... and then I called for paramedics to come check her out!

After doing some quick on-site testing... they said... "well, she has H1N1". I was like "GREAT!... I was just sitting with her!"...

Leahe was just sitting there trying to get over her swine flu when I said "I need to go get a drink".... But I DIDN'T go get a drink... I went to see my friend Devonna who was one of my roommates in college.

I didn't talk to her all that long before she was telling me about the new roommates and how one of them knew me.

This part of the dream gets a little fuzzy... I met the guy and he was a 1997 Southside Graduate... somehow, I DID know him in my dream... but I don't really in real life.

NEXT thing I know... I'm working on Glen's and My pool... but it wasn't the 21 foot round pool that we have... it was a GINORMOUS covered WAVE pool! It was COVERED in seaweed so we hired some French or Russian guy to help us clean it. We were all IN the absolutely HUGE pool working in tandem to fold the seaweed up... much like a tarp!

We all got out and glen was pointing over to the side where there were some leaves and he was telling me "You have to get those leaves!"

As I walked closer... I realized it wasn't leaves... it was a baby SEAL! By this time, Glen was beside me and I told him "That's not leaves... it's a baby SEAL" and he was looking everywhere except where I pointed saying "where? I don't see it"... the seal climbed out of the pool right next to me and I told Glen "RIGHT HERE!!!"... he was like "oh... I see"... like it was no big deal! I mean come on... it's a fricking SEAL!

I picked up the seal and carried him to the refrigerator that was beside the pool... opened it up and saw some tiny watermelon slices that I thought he might eat.... I gave them to him and he ate them... but then scrunched up his face and sneezed so I thought maybe he shouldn't eat any more of that... PLUS... when I looked at the watermelon treat in my hand... I realized it was wrapped in purple onion slices. (seriously... what is this all about????)

In my dream... I knew that seals couldn't eat purple onions... so I took him to my sister's house to look up what seals could eat. Of course, my sister was all "OHHHHHHHH! IT'S A BABY SEALLLLLLL!!! HE'S SO CUUUUUUTE"...

I don't know if this matters... but in my dream, that's when I determined that the seal had actually escaped from the fair... OH!!! and he was a GREY seal when I found him... and a WHITE seal with grey patches when the dream ended..

OK... So WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT ALL MEAN?

I mean... I NEVER remember my dreams in THAT much detail...

This dream is either trying to tell me some hidden truth... or trying to tell me not to eat so close to bedtime. It MAY just be reminding me that I am one crazy mo fo.

Things that go MMmmmmrerreerareaaaaaaa in the morning.

Good morning world!

I'm up quite a bit earlier today than usual... not because I'm inspired by the wonder of the morning. Not because I wanted to get a jump on all the day has in store. Not even because *I* wanted to be the early bird who gets the worm. I am up early because I was awakened by the creepiest, borderline evil sound I've heard in a while.

So, last night I fell asleep in the recliner while watching TV. I guess sometime in the night I woke up enough to turn the TV off and turn the surround sound way down. We usually leave the sound ON so our dog Tucker has some sound to distract him from barking at the neighbors.

Anyway... I was hovering on the edge of sleep this morning when I heard the most evil sound!

It sounded kind of like a cross between a tree frog and a panther... but it had tonality to it... like it was part of a song or something! This TERRIBLE sound echoed around me.

This noise was one of those noises that kind of send shock waves through your body! I think it was worse because it was still pretty dark outside when I heard it... and I had left the curtains open!

As I fought the urge to scream, I also had to FORCE myself to look around and OUT the window! I just KNEW there was going to be some sort of glowey eyed creature looking back at me... thankfully there wasn't!

While I was looking around, puffy eyed and red faced (at least on the side I had slept on) the sound screeched AGAIN!

This time, I realized it was something on TV! I never turned it on to see... I just assumed it was something on Tru TV... maybe "Most Shocking: creepiest sounds ever made"... or maybe a new show "The Adventures of the little baby Satan" on Nickelodeon! All I know is that was a HORRIBLE Sound!

I fell asleep on the recliner because I was up late watching trash TV... yes, Springer was on that playlist.

You know, when I see these women on there fighting over a man... I get so mad! I mean, These women have NO self respect... NO self worth... Have they EVER been told they don't need a man? I'm not saying they shouldn't have one if the WANT one... I'm just saying that they shouldn't settle for WORTHLESS men just to fit some expected role in life.

I hate/love seeing them fight, yelling things like "You better stay away from my man!!!", Wouldn't it be more correct for them to just yell at each other "Girl, you better wait your turn!!!! WAIT YOUR TURN!!! What'd I SAY? What'd I SAY? No CUTSIES GIRL, get back in line and wait... yo... turn!" Sorry... I got a little in character there... had to have my dog rip out my weave for inspirtation!

And am I alone in this... but when you see these women fighting like this... you kind of assume the guy MIGHT be at least decent looking.... but he never is, is he? I mean, I can almost EXCUSE some of their bad behavior and fighting if when Jerry Springer said "Here he is!" and some Brad Pitt looking Mother Fella came strolling out!

But, then he'd ruin it... because the guy ALWAYS comes out and says something stupid like "I could never talk to you!!!! You was always at work!!! so while you was gone I was next door talking to Tasha!!! " THAT'S when we find out that the guy and Tasha are both un employed... and the only person on that stage earning an honest wage is Brenda (or whatever her name is). Meanwhile the guy... we'll call him Dick... is making Brenda feel like it's HER fault he's cheating.... like if she wouldn't have put her career at the Kroger in front of HIM... they could still be together! By this time I am usually flipping off the TV. (Not with the remote! >:-s)

For all those former and future guests on talk shows... I have some advice... and I think you can all agree that this is advice that can be applied to all our daily lives. If someone cheats on you, don't cry! Don't show ANY emotion... don't let THEM see you upset... and don't let "they HO" see you upset either! Don't fight for them... don't pine for them... just act like you're happy you're finally free! THEN you will see true human nature! "When YOU don't want yo' baby daddy no more... his HO don't neither!".... and "When you let yo' baby daddy know they's plenty of mens in the crowd at singles night at the Hoochie Hut... suddenly You'll be his number one again (if you want him)"

It all comes down to one simple fact - "we all want what someone ELSE has or wants!"

This rule applies to pretty much anything in life. From Men & Women... to cars... to the office potluck!

Think about it! How many time have you seen people pass over the last brownie or cookie? After a while... when you see no one else wants it... you start thinking "I wonder what's wrong with it? How long has it been just sitting there? I wonder if someones sneezed on it or something".

I mean, how many of us want a man/woman that's just been sitting there and may have been sneezed on? ;-P

The Next Big Craze!

So recently, when my mother was looking for a new dog, I realized that this whole designer dog thing is WAY out of control!

Seriously... when I was younger, we just called mixed breeds mutts or Heinz 57.

Now, there's some crazy market to create the next "Puggle" and rake in the dough.

I was thinking of a few breeds that I think would do well with my friends..... They may already exist... but I've never heard of them.

I thnk mixing a Shitzu with a Poodle would be cool... creating a Shitz-a-poo. Or... how about a Shitzhuahua (shitz-WA-wa)? you know.. a mix of a Shitzu and a Chihuahua.

Someone my sister knows has a litter of Labrador/Rat Terrier mix puppies... or Lab Rats.


I mean, what is the deal with that? Why are we so fascinated with cross bred animals?

I've been thinking the next thing we need to do is cross breed plants in an effective yet beautiful way.

I would LOVE to have a Gardosa tree in my yard... (Gardenia/Mimosa) Or maybe a Magdenia (Magnolia/Gardenia)

Why aren't scientists working on this? I mean... now would be the time for them to rake in some "stimulus bux"

I guess, in the grand scheme of things... there should be limits... I mean... before you know it, scientists will be cross breeding everything! And I do NOT want to sit down at the table to have corn on the cob only to find out they added Nancy Grace's DNA to it... Creating the first corn that could scare away predators without the use of a scare crow.... but then again... it wouldn't shut up long enough for you to cook it.

Sometime, I must say... we should just leave it up to the higher powers... let them/him/her/ do the mixing.

Tulsa Trip-PG 13

Glen and I went to Tulsa yesterday with our friends Sandy & Beth.

Now, NORMALLY our trips with them are pretty tame.

I'm not sure if it was the heat or the moon phase... or if the was a sale on cheap tequila... but something was in the air in T-Town.

When we got to Woodland Hill's Mall, we all split up. Beth wanted to go to some woodworking thing or whittle fest at the expo center... so she dropped the rest of us off.

Sandy went to Macy's, the women's section... and Glen and I went to the Men's section.

I was casually searching the clearance and sale racks ( seriously... they had some good stuff) when I heard a commotion at the counter.

"I am a paying customer and that is just BULL SH#T, I'm not going to take that SH#T from a SALES girl" Said the obese woman with major roots, a bad dye job and shorts that she really needed to save for her "AFTER" picture.

Now, any of us who have worked in retail have dealt with that type of person... there's really no consoling them... they just want to make someone as miserable as they are... I guess everyone needs to feel empowered or something.

No sooner than the woman had stomped away... she came back to point out the girl who had caused her not to shop there anymore.

After the manager walked her away... It was time for Glen and I to check out... while at the counter I told the "new" sales girl that I saw what happened and the other clerk shouldn't get in trouble because of some white trash "speak your mind" day event that had just happened... she said she would tell the manager...

I filed that event into my mental filing case so I could tell Sandy & Beth about it later.... Then Glen and I continued our shopping.

When it came time to meet Sandy at our rendezvous... Glen and I took the outside shortcut to get from JC Penney's to Macy's.

As we were nearing the entrance, we heard a MAJOR barrage of cuss words spewing from the mouth of a bleach blond, thin... actually so thin her arms and legs were "cricket like", woman...

Now I cant type all these words without an adult guard... so I'll replace the BAD words with a variety of stuffed animal in italics...

This is how it happened:

Woman: What did you say about my daughter you stupid son of a bunny? Who the fozzy bear do you thing you are?

Man: If you're daughter is going to come prancing around the mall dressed like a horton hear's a who then you'd better fozzy well expect some son of a bunny to call you on it... Bunny!

Woman: What kind of a fozzy bassett hound says sheep like that about a 12 year old girl?

Man: The same kind of bassett hound who would try to pick up your fozzy daughter for looking like a Horton. I admit it, I'm a bassett hound... and I'm sure glad I went to war to fight for freedom so some little 125 pound bunny could dress her daughter like a horton!

Woman: My HUSBAND is on his second TOUR in KUWAIT you Goofy Darned mother fozz-ing son of a bunny!

Man: Last time I looked you stupid bunny, there's not a fozzing war in Kuwait... hope your goofy darned husband is enjoying his fozzing air con fozzing ditioning you stupid bunny!


This went on for a solid 10 minutes... and there were a couple times I SERIOUSLY thought the woman was going to hit him! The whole time, Glen and I are hiding out of her tunnel vision.. considering whether it would have been worth it to shoot video of it on our cell phones and posted it! At the time... we were like "Noooooo" .... Now, I wish more than ANYTHING we had done it!

So after that ended and we brought Sandy and Beth up to speed on everything we saw... we all decided to head to the Cherokee/Hard Rock Casino.

Inside, once again we split up... and after a short while, Glen and I found a game called Diamond Jackpots that we like.

When we were walking up... there was a LARRRRRRRGE man sitting on one of the machines next to us.. he wasn't playing... just sitting... He was really really large... He actually may have been the largest person I have seen in real life, unless you count that show "Big Medicine" on TLC?

Anywho... we sat down, stuck in our 20's and I guess something caught that guy's attention because he got up... leaving behind a "smear".

I saw it and pointed it out to Glen... it was a long, humid line that lead to a fibrous brown dollop..... of course Glen was JOKINGLY saying it was poo.... that's when the SMELL hit me! IT WAS POOOOOOOO!!!!! I think I may have actually gone pale and I was seriously sickened by that first whiff!

"Oh my gosh it really IS crap, Glen.... I CAN SMELL IT!!" I said.

Glen was like "nuuuuuh uhhhhhh"... I couldn't stay there and argue with him about it... I had to put as much distance between ME and the POO chair as possible!

I scooted down about 14 chairs and kept an eye on it, knowing I would feel HORRIBLE remorse if I saw someone SIT in it...

The good thing is, I won $140 on that machine.... WAY more than I took in there!

I was telling THAT story to Sandy when we left... she said "What d'ya know, Sh#t happens, then you win."

quick movie review: "Bru- No Thank You"

So Glen and I went to see the new Bruno Flick today.... And that's an hour and a half of my life that I wish I could have back!

The trailers on TV made the piece (I refuse to say film) appear to be a series of pranks.... It LOOKED like it would be funny.

Within the first 10 minutes, Sacha Baron Cohen's character played into a VERY derogatory stereotype of a very small niche of people.

I'm going to be moderately graphic because it's really nasty.

The Character Bruno is paired with his small statured boyfriend taking part in some very raunchy sex acts... some including a phallus on the end of a pole... others including a glass of champagne poured out of a bottle that was tucked in a very obscene place.

I wanted to get up and leave RIGHT THEN... but I wanted to see the Fort Smith Scene that appears toward the end.

The next hour or so was filled with a few funny pranks... coupled with a scene that involved an extreme close up of full male frontal nudity that lasted for around 2 minutes!

AGAIN! This was just TOO MUCH!!! I mean, I enjoy toilet humor as much as the next guy... but this was seriously pushing the envelope, blurring the line between an R Rated film and some new niche of "comic porn".

From his trip to an ACTUAL swinger party where he touched men while they were having sex with random women... to his near nude march in front of the Phelps Hatemongers... it was so far over the top it was disturbing...

And for those of you planning on seeing the film JUST to see the Fort Smith Scene... don't bother... the crowd shots are so fast that you probably won't be able to see anyone you know... and it was honestly the MILDEST scene in the whole piece!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not easily offended and that I have a pretty big thresh hold for all things offensive.... but this piece of celluloid crap is horrible. I honestly cannot remember ONE redeeming feature of this piece!?!?!?

BOOOOOO BRUNO!