Over the past few weeks, little hobbling balls of reptilian flesh have been trekking across county roads and highways everywhere!
I have to admit, even as an adult it's hard for me to pass them without jumping out and grabbing them.
When we were kids, my Uncle Billy and Aunt Janet used to keep us supplied in turtles of all shapes and sizes.
We'd catch them, keep them for a day or two, write our initials on their backs in fingernail polish and then let them go, usually at Addie & Joe's farm... They were my great aunt and uncle.
But of all the turtle's I have briefly had in my life... there is one that permeates my memory more than any other.
I think it was summer, 1979.
Janet had recently gotten her special order, metallic ocean blue Camero Z-28.
She came out to Nanny and Papaw's to pick Chuck, Donishia and me up for a visit to our other grandparents, Abb & Alberta.
As we headed into town, we were halfway into the curve on east 80 near the old lumber yard when we saw that all too familiar bell shape inching across the highway.
Janet pointed it out and said she'd jump out and get it, which she did and then brought it back to Donishia and me who were sitting in the back seat.
At first... all was well. As you know, a frightened turtle will close itself up in it's shell until it feels safe.
We were probably a good 2 miles from Abb & Alberta's when the turtle felt comfortable enough to stick it's head out...
The instant I saw it's head... something shook in me. "I've never seen a turtle with orange and yellow on it's head... are his eyes RED?" I thought.
One by one, his little legs popped out... they were equally disturbing! "Look at those CLAWS!" I said.
About that time, the turtle decided he wasn't so keen on being in the floorboard... and he started crawling VIGOROUSLY toward my seat!
"Janet, this turtle looks funny... JANET!!! JAAAAAANNNNNEEEEET!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHH" I said as I pushed myself into that tiny space beneath the back glass of her car, which I had to share with my sister who was now screaming as violently as I was.
We were just a couple blocks from Abb & Alberta's by now so Janet chose to wait to stop until we got there.
The INSTANT she stopped and opened the door... My brother, Chuck, jumped out of the front seat... Donishia and I leaped out of the back, lunging from the seat straight out the door, never getting out feet within "biting" range of this demon turtle.
Janet grabbed the turtle, which had become startled itself and apparently released every drop of fluid inside it's entire body all over her new upholstery.
After that we NEVER brought a turtle in the car if we couldn't see it's face first!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
More memories of a southern childhood
The last time I went shopping, I noticed that there's a huge section where people can buy "prepared" vegetables.
You can get diced onions, tomatoes... even boiled and shelled eggs.
While I can appreciate that prepared foods can save time in the kitchen, I have to say, they never taste as good as the foods you prepare yourself.
When I was a kid, it would have been taboo to actually *purchase* prepared vegetables or soup.
Nanny, Snooks, Granny Tinder... And even though my grandpa Abb and and grandma Alberta lived *in town*... they all had gardens.
When I say garden, I don't mean that small patch of ground out in the corner of the yard where people plant a couple of tomato or pepper plants.... I mean a good 2-3 acres of nothing but vegetables growing in the southern soil.
Nanny and Papaw had the biggest garden of anyone in my family.
I remember Papaw would head out the garden after Ash Wednesday and "turn the soil".
When Chuck, Donishia and I would go to visit, Nanny and Papaw would load us up in the truck and head to the Farmers COOP to get seeds.
I used to LOVE planting potatoes!
There was something magical about chopping up one potato and planting it to make 5 or 6 new plants!
As the days got longer and the air thicker with humidity, the tiny plants would begin bursting out of the earth.
Onions, peppers, collard greens, okra, all varieties of squash... their yard became a cornucopia of all things delicious!
When it was time for picking, we'd wait for the sun to start setting so as to avoid heat stroke... and then nanny would pull out some big old dish pans which we'd use to carry the veggies into the carport.
I don't think there are any vegetables that I don't like. But there are some that I like more than others.
There was nothing like picking a "mess" of purple hull peas or green beans.
Those, we'd carry over to Granny Tinder's porch.
Then, late in the evening, we'd sit out there with a series of dishpans "hullin" or "snappin", depending on what we were working on.
I remember our fingers would be dyed purple from the pea hulls... and the entire porch would fill up with that wonderful aroma of fresh, green, delicious vegetables.
For us, THAT was the evening news... Granny, Snooks, Nanny and any other cousin or aunt would join us and we'd all share the things we had heard.
"Did you hear about Sister Johnson?" Nanny would say...
No matter what had happened to Sister Johnson, the story would usually end with a "Bless her heart" or a quick one line "Jesus bless her and her family... amen"
It's so amazing... I remember that we were ALL pretty much dirt poor. But no one in the community really seemed to go without.
Small towns, in those days, seemed to purposely disconnect themselves from the happenings in the world... and neighbors focused on what they could do to make sure everyone they knew had plenty to eat and a friend to talk to.
Nanny was amazing in her ability to turn 3 acres of garden into a year's worth of canned goods for herself, and her 3 kids' families.
There was nothing like opening a can of peas in the winter, that you knew YOU had hulled, and helped prepare... and oh what I'd give for a jar of Nanny's homemade beef soup!
What I think separates my generation from theirs is that nowadays, when people get into a bind, they turn to the government for a handout.
Their generation turned to each other.
I have to say, I like their system better.
You can get diced onions, tomatoes... even boiled and shelled eggs.
While I can appreciate that prepared foods can save time in the kitchen, I have to say, they never taste as good as the foods you prepare yourself.
When I was a kid, it would have been taboo to actually *purchase* prepared vegetables or soup.
Nanny, Snooks, Granny Tinder... And even though my grandpa Abb and and grandma Alberta lived *in town*... they all had gardens.
When I say garden, I don't mean that small patch of ground out in the corner of the yard where people plant a couple of tomato or pepper plants.... I mean a good 2-3 acres of nothing but vegetables growing in the southern soil.
Nanny and Papaw had the biggest garden of anyone in my family.
I remember Papaw would head out the garden after Ash Wednesday and "turn the soil".
When Chuck, Donishia and I would go to visit, Nanny and Papaw would load us up in the truck and head to the Farmers COOP to get seeds.
I used to LOVE planting potatoes!
There was something magical about chopping up one potato and planting it to make 5 or 6 new plants!
As the days got longer and the air thicker with humidity, the tiny plants would begin bursting out of the earth.
Onions, peppers, collard greens, okra, all varieties of squash... their yard became a cornucopia of all things delicious!
When it was time for picking, we'd wait for the sun to start setting so as to avoid heat stroke... and then nanny would pull out some big old dish pans which we'd use to carry the veggies into the carport.
I don't think there are any vegetables that I don't like. But there are some that I like more than others.
There was nothing like picking a "mess" of purple hull peas or green beans.
Those, we'd carry over to Granny Tinder's porch.
Then, late in the evening, we'd sit out there with a series of dishpans "hullin" or "snappin", depending on what we were working on.
I remember our fingers would be dyed purple from the pea hulls... and the entire porch would fill up with that wonderful aroma of fresh, green, delicious vegetables.
For us, THAT was the evening news... Granny, Snooks, Nanny and any other cousin or aunt would join us and we'd all share the things we had heard.
"Did you hear about Sister Johnson?" Nanny would say...
No matter what had happened to Sister Johnson, the story would usually end with a "Bless her heart" or a quick one line "Jesus bless her and her family... amen"
It's so amazing... I remember that we were ALL pretty much dirt poor. But no one in the community really seemed to go without.
Small towns, in those days, seemed to purposely disconnect themselves from the happenings in the world... and neighbors focused on what they could do to make sure everyone they knew had plenty to eat and a friend to talk to.
Nanny was amazing in her ability to turn 3 acres of garden into a year's worth of canned goods for herself, and her 3 kids' families.
There was nothing like opening a can of peas in the winter, that you knew YOU had hulled, and helped prepare... and oh what I'd give for a jar of Nanny's homemade beef soup!
What I think separates my generation from theirs is that nowadays, when people get into a bind, they turn to the government for a handout.
Their generation turned to each other.
I have to say, I like their system better.
A sigh for simpler times.
Every time I turn on the TV I hear about some new invention or computer program designed to help keep me connected or to give me the edge in the world today.
My question lately is, what's wrong with being DIS-connected?
When I was growing up, my "Nanny" was able to stay abreast of all sorts of information using a crazy invention called the telephone!
Get this, she would dial a number on the rotary dial... and that would connect her to an actual living soul!
There was no wondering how "Aint Snooks" meant her e-mail... if there was a problem, Nanny would actually hear it in Snooks' voice..
If a problem was detected, Nanny wouldn't order a gift online and have it sent with a personal message... she did the craziest thing... she would go to the kitchen and bake up the most heavenly apple pie and take it to Snooks, while the pie was still warm.
I've said before that I think our personal relationships have suffered as technology increased.
It's so easy to type out a quick e-mail... but aren't there times when each of us could use more than just "words" of encouragement?
Don't we all still yearn for an unscripted night of friends, games and a few pots of coffee?
I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have had a childhood in Waldron, Arkansas... the town that time forgot.
This time of year makes me miss my Papaw's produce stand.
Nanny and Papaw lived on East 80 just outside of Waldron..
East 80 was a pretty busy highway, so in his later years, Papaw ran a produce stand in the front yard.
I remember when Chuck, Donishia and I would stay with them, we'd be awakened by the aroma of bacon, biscuits and coffee around 5 in the morning.
Just before we sat at the table, the mouth watering scent of chocolate gravy beckoned us.
Nanny wanted to make sure we were up in time to help Papaw with the stand.
Once we finished breakfast, we'd walk out to the stand and rearrange the baskets and bushels of apples, okra, corn and every melon you could imagine.
When everything was situated, Papaw would raise the front flap on the stand and pull his sign out to the road.
I remember that there was a lot of waiting... which was fine because Papaw would pull the old metal lawn chairs out under the shade of the Mimosa tree.
We'd spend most of the day waving to strangers as they passed... Nanny would keep us stocked up on iced tea.
Ever so often, a rusty old car would pull up and some old woman would inspect the produce and then haggle with Papaw about the price.
By the end of the day, us kids were wore out... and just as we thought we couldn't go on... Papaw would tell one of us to go open the ice chest under the carport.
Unbeknown to us, he had put the best watermelon of the bunch into that chest... and it had been chilling all day.
He'd close up the stand... back up his truck... and slice that watermelon right on the tailgate!
Then, us kids would take a seat on that tailgate, feet swinging, and we'd eat that watermelon and spit out the seeds.
As hot and sticky as it was, I don't ever remember complaining. It was magical just sitting there watching the sun set... the air heavy with the sweet smell of Mimosa... as the summer breeze sparkled with the lights of a million lightning bugs.
Nanny and Papaw and even my brother Chuck are all gone now....
Those memories are so precious to me... I can't imagine trading that experience for anything.
And while we can't go back to that time... we can all take a break... unplug a bit.
Turn off your cell phone.
Unplug your blackberry.
Take a ride through the country and stop at a roadside produce stand.
Technology CAN make life easier... but what's the point if you're not living?
My question lately is, what's wrong with being DIS-connected?
When I was growing up, my "Nanny" was able to stay abreast of all sorts of information using a crazy invention called the telephone!
Get this, she would dial a number on the rotary dial... and that would connect her to an actual living soul!
There was no wondering how "Aint Snooks" meant her e-mail... if there was a problem, Nanny would actually hear it in Snooks' voice..
If a problem was detected, Nanny wouldn't order a gift online and have it sent with a personal message... she did the craziest thing... she would go to the kitchen and bake up the most heavenly apple pie and take it to Snooks, while the pie was still warm.
I've said before that I think our personal relationships have suffered as technology increased.
It's so easy to type out a quick e-mail... but aren't there times when each of us could use more than just "words" of encouragement?
Don't we all still yearn for an unscripted night of friends, games and a few pots of coffee?
I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have had a childhood in Waldron, Arkansas... the town that time forgot.
This time of year makes me miss my Papaw's produce stand.
Nanny and Papaw lived on East 80 just outside of Waldron..
East 80 was a pretty busy highway, so in his later years, Papaw ran a produce stand in the front yard.
I remember when Chuck, Donishia and I would stay with them, we'd be awakened by the aroma of bacon, biscuits and coffee around 5 in the morning.
Just before we sat at the table, the mouth watering scent of chocolate gravy beckoned us.
Nanny wanted to make sure we were up in time to help Papaw with the stand.
Once we finished breakfast, we'd walk out to the stand and rearrange the baskets and bushels of apples, okra, corn and every melon you could imagine.
When everything was situated, Papaw would raise the front flap on the stand and pull his sign out to the road.
I remember that there was a lot of waiting... which was fine because Papaw would pull the old metal lawn chairs out under the shade of the Mimosa tree.
We'd spend most of the day waving to strangers as they passed... Nanny would keep us stocked up on iced tea.
Ever so often, a rusty old car would pull up and some old woman would inspect the produce and then haggle with Papaw about the price.
By the end of the day, us kids were wore out... and just as we thought we couldn't go on... Papaw would tell one of us to go open the ice chest under the carport.
Unbeknown to us, he had put the best watermelon of the bunch into that chest... and it had been chilling all day.
He'd close up the stand... back up his truck... and slice that watermelon right on the tailgate!
Then, us kids would take a seat on that tailgate, feet swinging, and we'd eat that watermelon and spit out the seeds.
As hot and sticky as it was, I don't ever remember complaining. It was magical just sitting there watching the sun set... the air heavy with the sweet smell of Mimosa... as the summer breeze sparkled with the lights of a million lightning bugs.
Nanny and Papaw and even my brother Chuck are all gone now....
Those memories are so precious to me... I can't imagine trading that experience for anything.
And while we can't go back to that time... we can all take a break... unplug a bit.
Turn off your cell phone.
Unplug your blackberry.
Take a ride through the country and stop at a roadside produce stand.
Technology CAN make life easier... but what's the point if you're not living?
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I DEMAND that you think freely
OK, so CLEARLY, I have been on cloud 9 since Kris won last night.
My joy is tainted by the backlash of Adam supporters alleging everything from "the Underdog Theory" to Homophobia.
I don't know if Adam is gay or not... I assume he is, but has he called me and confided in me that he is gay? No.
My problem is, Adam comes across (at least to me) as the kind of "gay" that I would never in a million years want to have as a friend.
He reminds me of a little bar queen who might show up to a party at your house even though you never invited them.... only to find the next day that you're missing 2 bottles of cologne and a signed picture of Tammy Faye Baker..
And why do I feel I have to explain this? That I have to prove that *I* am not a homophope?
I'll tell you why, because in the quest for acceptance for everyone, we all signed away our right to have an opposing view!
And who decided this? The Media? Are we so afraid of speaking our minds or appearing rude that we are willing to just let a choice few atop the entertainment industry TELL us what we accept and don't accept?
Did we hand off our right to free speech so that certain media groups could exercise THEIR right to free speech more loudly than ours?
People, it just comes down to choice... we all still get one.
I chose Kris Allen because I identified more with him.
When he sings a song, you can tell that he has CONNECTED with it, there's real emotion coming from it.
I don't care if a singer can jump 3 octaves... or if he or she can "Look Sad" or give me "Blue Steel" on cue... If they're just performing a song to show me what all they can do... I don't like them. (Sorry Miley Cyrus)
Sorry one final Adam rant--- in 3--- 2---1
What is the deal with people saying "Adam will be fine, he could be the next Elvis"? WHAT???
CLEARLY that's why he started wearing the eye liner, so that he might look a bit more like Elvis.... I mean, did you hear he's actually a blond? Can't picture it.
My point is... you can NOT say a contestant on American Idol is in the same category as ELVIS FRICKING PRESSLY!?!?!
Here's how they are different...
*** Elvis brought something NEW to the table, a bold new style of music that captured the ears of young and old alike.
*** Adam, bless his heart, is capitalizing on a the "Hair Band" sound, a genre that has been dead since the 80's.
Anyway... the season is finally over!
I can't wait to hear what BOTH of them do on their CD's. I mean, I'm not going to BUY Adam's CD.... but I will probably listen to some clips on iTunes or something.
My joy is tainted by the backlash of Adam supporters alleging everything from "the Underdog Theory" to Homophobia.
I don't know if Adam is gay or not... I assume he is, but has he called me and confided in me that he is gay? No.
My problem is, Adam comes across (at least to me) as the kind of "gay" that I would never in a million years want to have as a friend.
He reminds me of a little bar queen who might show up to a party at your house even though you never invited them.... only to find the next day that you're missing 2 bottles of cologne and a signed picture of Tammy Faye Baker..
And why do I feel I have to explain this? That I have to prove that *I* am not a homophope?
I'll tell you why, because in the quest for acceptance for everyone, we all signed away our right to have an opposing view!
And who decided this? The Media? Are we so afraid of speaking our minds or appearing rude that we are willing to just let a choice few atop the entertainment industry TELL us what we accept and don't accept?
Did we hand off our right to free speech so that certain media groups could exercise THEIR right to free speech more loudly than ours?
People, it just comes down to choice... we all still get one.
I chose Kris Allen because I identified more with him.
When he sings a song, you can tell that he has CONNECTED with it, there's real emotion coming from it.
I don't care if a singer can jump 3 octaves... or if he or she can "Look Sad" or give me "Blue Steel" on cue... If they're just performing a song to show me what all they can do... I don't like them. (Sorry Miley Cyrus)
Sorry one final Adam rant--- in 3--- 2---1
What is the deal with people saying "Adam will be fine, he could be the next Elvis"? WHAT???
CLEARLY that's why he started wearing the eye liner, so that he might look a bit more like Elvis.... I mean, did you hear he's actually a blond? Can't picture it.
My point is... you can NOT say a contestant on American Idol is in the same category as ELVIS FRICKING PRESSLY!?!?!
Here's how they are different...
*** Elvis brought something NEW to the table, a bold new style of music that captured the ears of young and old alike.
*** Adam, bless his heart, is capitalizing on a the "Hair Band" sound, a genre that has been dead since the 80's.
Anyway... the season is finally over!
I can't wait to hear what BOTH of them do on their CD's. I mean, I'm not going to BUY Adam's CD.... but I will probably listen to some clips on iTunes or something.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Cape Caper Solved?
OK... So I was chatting with My friend Clinton when I mentioned that I didn't like the fact that Katy Perry wore the whole Adam Lambert Cape....
Then, I started thinking about who she reminded me of! Danny Noriega!
You remember, the kid from last season's AI who was a little over the top?
So THEN I started asking myself, "what happened to him?"
I realized that as soon as Katy "Kissed a girl" I never heard about him anymore...
Now I'm not saying they're the same person... but I will say I can't remember seeing them in the same room at the same time!
Pranks that I may have taken too far.
Most people who know me know that I truly enjoy scaring people.
I'm not sure why that is... but over the years I have pulled some doozies.
At a young age I honed my talent for pranks.
When I was a kid, both my parents worked... so when I got home from school, I usually had about 30 minutes before my sister got home.
I think I was 11 or 12 when I cooked up a way to scare my sister.
I got home aroud 3:15.
I went around the house, turning over furniture and throwing cushions around the floor.
I left the front door open, just a teeny bit.
When I heard my sister pull up, I squirted ketchup around my mouth and nose and laid out on the floor "unconscious".
"Tony?" my sister said as she creeked open the door... "TONY!?!?!" she added when she saw me on the floor!
I'm not sure how I did it, but I held myself in "unconscious character" as she shook me a couple times.
When I finally "came to" laughing... she didn't think it was quite as funny.
That bit was so fun, that I recycled it a few years later.
When Glen moved into my apartment, my best friend Krista didn't really know him.... so she was going to come over to hang out.
well... As soon as I hung up the phone with her, I looked at Glen and said... "You know what would be funny?"
So we turned over the furniture, left the door open... and THIS time, I added a new element.
When I heard her pull up, I turned on my cordless phone so that when she crept in the door she would hear that crazy busy signal you get when you leave the phone off the hook.
Mind you, she didn't really know Glen at all at this point!
So when she crept in, it was the same drill... "Tony?" .... "OH MY!!!"
Then... the BEST part... Glen comes walking out of the back room with a Ketchupy knife!
Krista started screaming and FLAILING Her purse! It really was pretty mean. >:-)
I even remember the BEST time I scared my cousin Sandy.
She and I used to spend a LOT of time in Waldron.
One "Christmas Break"... we were there...
Seems like we had been arguing a little or something so she decided she wanted to be alone on the front porch swing and FORBADE me from coming out there with her...
"Oh REALLY?" I thought... then my brain started clicking...
Once again... I had to be 11 or 12... so this is pretty good for a kid that age to dream up... or maybe it's bad.
I borrowed grandpa's coat, ski mask and gloves.
I went out the back door and ran up the street a little ways...
As I slowly walked back toward the house , I could hear Sandy singing along with her walkman and swinging.
I casually walked along the street until I noticed her looking at me... then I tore off running straight toward her!!!!
She SCREAMED, Looked at the front door, back at me and froze!
Later she told me she didn't want to run in the door because she thought I (as the crazy running person) would get in the house and hurt everyone.
I felt a little guilty about that... you know... when I stopped laughing.
I'm not sure why that is... but over the years I have pulled some doozies.
At a young age I honed my talent for pranks.
When I was a kid, both my parents worked... so when I got home from school, I usually had about 30 minutes before my sister got home.
I think I was 11 or 12 when I cooked up a way to scare my sister.
I got home aroud 3:15.
I went around the house, turning over furniture and throwing cushions around the floor.
I left the front door open, just a teeny bit.
When I heard my sister pull up, I squirted ketchup around my mouth and nose and laid out on the floor "unconscious".
"Tony?" my sister said as she creeked open the door... "TONY!?!?!" she added when she saw me on the floor!
I'm not sure how I did it, but I held myself in "unconscious character" as she shook me a couple times.
When I finally "came to" laughing... she didn't think it was quite as funny.
That bit was so fun, that I recycled it a few years later.
When Glen moved into my apartment, my best friend Krista didn't really know him.... so she was going to come over to hang out.
well... As soon as I hung up the phone with her, I looked at Glen and said... "You know what would be funny?"
So we turned over the furniture, left the door open... and THIS time, I added a new element.
When I heard her pull up, I turned on my cordless phone so that when she crept in the door she would hear that crazy busy signal you get when you leave the phone off the hook.
Mind you, she didn't really know Glen at all at this point!
So when she crept in, it was the same drill... "Tony?" .... "OH MY!!!"
Then... the BEST part... Glen comes walking out of the back room with a Ketchupy knife!
Krista started screaming and FLAILING Her purse! It really was pretty mean. >:-)
I even remember the BEST time I scared my cousin Sandy.
She and I used to spend a LOT of time in Waldron.
One "Christmas Break"... we were there...
Seems like we had been arguing a little or something so she decided she wanted to be alone on the front porch swing and FORBADE me from coming out there with her...
"Oh REALLY?" I thought... then my brain started clicking...
Once again... I had to be 11 or 12... so this is pretty good for a kid that age to dream up... or maybe it's bad.
I borrowed grandpa's coat, ski mask and gloves.
I went out the back door and ran up the street a little ways...
As I slowly walked back toward the house , I could hear Sandy singing along with her walkman and swinging.
I casually walked along the street until I noticed her looking at me... then I tore off running straight toward her!!!!
She SCREAMED, Looked at the front door, back at me and froze!
Later she told me she didn't want to run in the door because she thought I (as the crazy running person) would get in the house and hurt everyone.
I felt a little guilty about that... you know... when I stopped laughing.
Friday, May 15, 2009
The joy of a southern yard sale.
What is it about this time of year?
As soon as the flowers start blooming it signals all of us to look in our closets and say "I need to have a yard sale".
In my experience, it's never quite as fun as it sounds.
I remember when I was young my grandmother, Nanny, was quite possibly the best yard seller in all of Scott County.
As is southern tradition, Nanny would decide on a date to host her sale and then call everyone in our family to see if we had anything to put in it.
The day before the sale, Mom would load us in the 1977 Datsun Wagon with no AC... along with the piles of clothes, toys... Every cherished piece of my 6 year old life... all carefully priced for sale.
Now, Nanny's house didn't have a garage... there was just a covered "drive through" carport that spanned the distance between the house and the "utility room".
Nanny would pull every lawn chair into that carport and find the perfect old piece of board to convert those chairs into tables.
Once everything was piled on, us kids would walk around pointing out the things we wanted and just could not sell... Nanny would put those things aside... but somehow they always ended up back in the sale the next day.
As a self proclaimed writer, I think yard sales and laundry mats are the best places to find characters for future novels.
I remember one old farmer who never missed Nanny's sales.
Picture this...
and old 1963 Ford Pickup pulls into the gravel drive way.
Behind the wheel all you can see are knuckles, overall straps and a big old stetson hat.
the door opens with a "creeeeeek" and then it happens!
That old man, who looked like he had JUST come from the Scott County Sale Barn, steps out of his truck wearing a pair of pentecostal issue, black slink back low rise heels!
Now this OF COURSE caught all us kids' attention.
I think I giggled, only to receive the swift "Snap/Behave" combo from Nanny.
The old farmer walked up to the sale and first asked if we were selling any old tools or fishing lures... What is it about old southern men that makes them ALWAYS ask that at yard sales?
"No, just some furniture... toys.... and quite a few old shoes" Nanny said. She was so sly in her baiting technique.
The old man walked over to the shoes... "Are these a size six?" he asked.
"Yeah, all of mine are, My sister Snooks may have put a few 7's in there... her feet are bigger than mine" Nanny said, always quick to get in a quick jab at "Aint Snooks".
The farmer gathered up every pair of women's shoes and handed Nanny a couple dollars, which she put in the cigar box near the door... then the man just walked off.
Now the INSTANT that his door slammed us kids asked Nanny "Did you see? He was wearing girls shoes?!?!".
Now I don't know if Nanny was trying to protect his image or justify her own sale of women's shoes to a high heel wearing farmer... but she told us "Doctor's don't know why, but women's shoes just fit him better".
See, anytime there was something unexplainable in the south... you just had to add "Doctor's don't know why" to validate it.... "Doctors have done everything they can" is also acceptable.
I believe this yard sale was the SAME one where I was playing with a tennis ball, bouncing it off Nanny's roof when it ricocheted off the roof and hit a VERY old woman as she was hobbling back to her car. Thank GOD she was pentecostal... without that bun, she might have been hurt.
Yard sales are as much a part of southern life as gardens and pot-lucks.
I am quite sure that from 1960-1990, no one in Waldron actually bought anything NEW.... I'm pretty sure we just all took turns wearing it.
As soon as the flowers start blooming it signals all of us to look in our closets and say "I need to have a yard sale".
In my experience, it's never quite as fun as it sounds.
I remember when I was young my grandmother, Nanny, was quite possibly the best yard seller in all of Scott County.
As is southern tradition, Nanny would decide on a date to host her sale and then call everyone in our family to see if we had anything to put in it.
The day before the sale, Mom would load us in the 1977 Datsun Wagon with no AC... along with the piles of clothes, toys... Every cherished piece of my 6 year old life... all carefully priced for sale.
Now, Nanny's house didn't have a garage... there was just a covered "drive through" carport that spanned the distance between the house and the "utility room".
Nanny would pull every lawn chair into that carport and find the perfect old piece of board to convert those chairs into tables.
Once everything was piled on, us kids would walk around pointing out the things we wanted and just could not sell... Nanny would put those things aside... but somehow they always ended up back in the sale the next day.
As a self proclaimed writer, I think yard sales and laundry mats are the best places to find characters for future novels.
I remember one old farmer who never missed Nanny's sales.
Picture this...
and old 1963 Ford Pickup pulls into the gravel drive way.
Behind the wheel all you can see are knuckles, overall straps and a big old stetson hat.
the door opens with a "creeeeeek" and then it happens!
That old man, who looked like he had JUST come from the Scott County Sale Barn, steps out of his truck wearing a pair of pentecostal issue, black slink back low rise heels!
Now this OF COURSE caught all us kids' attention.
I think I giggled, only to receive the swift "Snap/Behave" combo from Nanny.
The old farmer walked up to the sale and first asked if we were selling any old tools or fishing lures... What is it about old southern men that makes them ALWAYS ask that at yard sales?
"No, just some furniture... toys.... and quite a few old shoes" Nanny said. She was so sly in her baiting technique.
The old man walked over to the shoes... "Are these a size six?" he asked.
"Yeah, all of mine are, My sister Snooks may have put a few 7's in there... her feet are bigger than mine" Nanny said, always quick to get in a quick jab at "Aint Snooks".
The farmer gathered up every pair of women's shoes and handed Nanny a couple dollars, which she put in the cigar box near the door... then the man just walked off.
Now the INSTANT that his door slammed us kids asked Nanny "Did you see? He was wearing girls shoes?!?!".
Now I don't know if Nanny was trying to protect his image or justify her own sale of women's shoes to a high heel wearing farmer... but she told us "Doctor's don't know why, but women's shoes just fit him better".
See, anytime there was something unexplainable in the south... you just had to add "Doctor's don't know why" to validate it.... "Doctors have done everything they can" is also acceptable.
I believe this yard sale was the SAME one where I was playing with a tennis ball, bouncing it off Nanny's roof when it ricocheted off the roof and hit a VERY old woman as she was hobbling back to her car. Thank GOD she was pentecostal... without that bun, she might have been hurt.
Yard sales are as much a part of southern life as gardens and pot-lucks.
I am quite sure that from 1960-1990, no one in Waldron actually bought anything NEW.... I'm pretty sure we just all took turns wearing it.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Politics, Religion and Idol
I recently realized that American Idol has now become the newest topic that should not be discussed by friends.
Those of you who know me know that I'm a bit of a button pusher. I can't help it. I just enjoy taking an opposite view and running with it to get people "riled"
This American Idol thing has been a goldmine for my efforts.
I am amazed how upset some people get when I tell them I think Adam is a prancing show horse made up to look like Liza Minnelli. What, it that bad?
This "protective nature" expressed by the Adamites amuses me.
As a Kristian, I support the natural talent of Kris Allen. He's great! I have fully accepted that he most likely will not win, but I am hopeful.
Often times, I will call out the Adamites for falling into such a generic and easily chosen path.... and still... they reject the Kristian ways.
Obviously, most people who actually know me know that I'm merely kidding around with them and trying to get their ire... but some people have honestly gotten mad at me for my disdain of Adam.
I have to laugh it off.
On this topic, I have to say, as a Kristian, that Adam was WAY over the top last night!
During his first song, I had to pause the show for a minute because I considered taking a picture of his cow tongue to prove my point... Seriously... that "hanging his tongue out of his mouth" bit absolutely grosses me out.
I've said that to some of the Adamites... only to have them tell me they hate the way Kris shapes his mouth when he sings.
I told them that it's better than "Drag Queen" mouth and that most people would look past that considering his ability to play nearly any instrument... Then I asked them which "instrument" does Adam play.... I think we all know.
What would be great is to see people care this deeply about governmental issues!
Wouldn't it be great if we could debate changes to Health care? How about foreign policy?
I've thought about it and decided that the government could get a lot more people interested in these issues if they had a "vote line" or if people could text their votes.
How great would it be to be talking with your friends saying " Dude, I totally voted for us to leave Iraq like 40 times last night... the line was busy for hours!" ?
Or what it you could decide whether banks or companies received bailout money by texting?
I guess the the way it is probably is best.... but that puts things in perspective.
Sure, Adam will likely win this thing and go on to the stellar careers of artists such as Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barino.... Seems like their songs are on the radio ALL THE TIME!!! Wait... no they're not... it's DAUGHTRY I'm thinking about... the guy who DIDN'T win.
Those of you who know me know that I'm a bit of a button pusher. I can't help it. I just enjoy taking an opposite view and running with it to get people "riled"
This American Idol thing has been a goldmine for my efforts.
I am amazed how upset some people get when I tell them I think Adam is a prancing show horse made up to look like Liza Minnelli. What, it that bad?
This "protective nature" expressed by the Adamites amuses me.
As a Kristian, I support the natural talent of Kris Allen. He's great! I have fully accepted that he most likely will not win, but I am hopeful.
Often times, I will call out the Adamites for falling into such a generic and easily chosen path.... and still... they reject the Kristian ways.
Obviously, most people who actually know me know that I'm merely kidding around with them and trying to get their ire... but some people have honestly gotten mad at me for my disdain of Adam.
I have to laugh it off.
On this topic, I have to say, as a Kristian, that Adam was WAY over the top last night!
During his first song, I had to pause the show for a minute because I considered taking a picture of his cow tongue to prove my point... Seriously... that "hanging his tongue out of his mouth" bit absolutely grosses me out.
I've said that to some of the Adamites... only to have them tell me they hate the way Kris shapes his mouth when he sings.
I told them that it's better than "Drag Queen" mouth and that most people would look past that considering his ability to play nearly any instrument... Then I asked them which "instrument" does Adam play.... I think we all know.
What would be great is to see people care this deeply about governmental issues!
Wouldn't it be great if we could debate changes to Health care? How about foreign policy?
I've thought about it and decided that the government could get a lot more people interested in these issues if they had a "vote line" or if people could text their votes.
How great would it be to be talking with your friends saying " Dude, I totally voted for us to leave Iraq like 40 times last night... the line was busy for hours!" ?
Or what it you could decide whether banks or companies received bailout money by texting?
I guess the the way it is probably is best.... but that puts things in perspective.
Sure, Adam will likely win this thing and go on to the stellar careers of artists such as Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barino.... Seems like their songs are on the radio ALL THE TIME!!! Wait... no they're not... it's DAUGHTRY I'm thinking about... the guy who DIDN'T win.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Say What?
What in the world has happened to mainstream media?
C frickin NN has followed this crazy Miss America/ Perez Hilton saga as if it were actually valid!
First of all, when did Perez Hilton become the voice of all things that should or should not be?
How, with his background, did America decide "He should be the one to call Miss America contestants out"?
I can not believe that he has parlayed his gossip blog into a celebrity status! I mean, his blog is pretty much the updated version of the Enquirer and we don't see the editor of THAT fine publication serving as a spokesperson.
Even more, why would anyone even CARE if some girl says she doesn't support gay marriage? I mean, it's not like she has any HOPE of becoming a member of congress... shouldn't she, as well as all of us, be able to express a personal opinion?
It's certainly not like she is anti-gay... She's a pageant queen for goodness sakes! She knows that she needs the 'mos ion her quest for the crown? I mean, who do you think did her hair and makeup? Who helped her decide what to wear? If she did it on her own, she would have been up there in some cutoff shorts, wearing a "Girls Gone Wild " half shirt with her hair up in a scrunchy. How do I know that? Because in the real world, that's all hot girls have to do to get guys to notice them.
Another concern I have is that TMZ has become a source for some mainstream media!
I nearly fell over when the whole Rhianna story broke and Diane Sawyer showed pictures of Rhianna's battered face which were credited to TMZ!
Have you ever watched TMZ? It's hilarious!
It's as though we've all been "let in" on their "editorial meeting".
There's a 40-50 year old man getting ideas from kids who look like they just happened to be at band camp when they stumbled onto a bit of gossip.
The last time I watched it, there was a blond kid on there who looked like Louie Spicolli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High!
The popularity of THESE types of people have even lead CNN to create shows which have no true merit or viewer benefit.
I used to like Nancy Grace... but now, she is just horrible.
I don't care about the "Tot Mom"!
Nancy has made a career out of exposing the dark secrets in ordinary people's lives.... Yes, the tot mom is fair game, but her family?
Can you imagine being the grandfather of that child and having to hear the sordid details of your daughter's life and granddaughter's death being broadcast on national TV everyday? Knowing you couldn't object or write a letter of complaint because it would then be read and posted on Nancy Grace's Website?
Nancy is doing to regular people what TMZ is doing to celebrities!
With her background as a Judge, which she wears like a broach for all to see, you'd think she'd realize that she is destroying ANY of her subjects' chances of a fair trial.... all so she can lure in a few more people who want to know all they can about this case.
There is a difference in transparency and propaganda in the legal system. For ALL our sakes, I hope that remains true!
But every time we tune in to these shows, we agree that this is how society should be!
Look at how this thinking has changed the media, just since 9-11!
I LONG for the days when the evening news actually offers stories about actual events that are occurring around me... such as the war in the middle east... or crazy weather patterns.
Do I really need Charles Gibson to tell me about Madonna's divorce?
C frickin NN has followed this crazy Miss America/ Perez Hilton saga as if it were actually valid!
First of all, when did Perez Hilton become the voice of all things that should or should not be?
How, with his background, did America decide "He should be the one to call Miss America contestants out"?
I can not believe that he has parlayed his gossip blog into a celebrity status! I mean, his blog is pretty much the updated version of the Enquirer and we don't see the editor of THAT fine publication serving as a spokesperson.
Even more, why would anyone even CARE if some girl says she doesn't support gay marriage? I mean, it's not like she has any HOPE of becoming a member of congress... shouldn't she, as well as all of us, be able to express a personal opinion?
It's certainly not like she is anti-gay... She's a pageant queen for goodness sakes! She knows that she needs the 'mos ion her quest for the crown? I mean, who do you think did her hair and makeup? Who helped her decide what to wear? If she did it on her own, she would have been up there in some cutoff shorts, wearing a "Girls Gone Wild " half shirt with her hair up in a scrunchy. How do I know that? Because in the real world, that's all hot girls have to do to get guys to notice them.
Another concern I have is that TMZ has become a source for some mainstream media!
I nearly fell over when the whole Rhianna story broke and Diane Sawyer showed pictures of Rhianna's battered face which were credited to TMZ!
Have you ever watched TMZ? It's hilarious!
It's as though we've all been "let in" on their "editorial meeting".
There's a 40-50 year old man getting ideas from kids who look like they just happened to be at band camp when they stumbled onto a bit of gossip.
The last time I watched it, there was a blond kid on there who looked like Louie Spicolli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High!
The popularity of THESE types of people have even lead CNN to create shows which have no true merit or viewer benefit.
I used to like Nancy Grace... but now, she is just horrible.
I don't care about the "Tot Mom"!
Nancy has made a career out of exposing the dark secrets in ordinary people's lives.... Yes, the tot mom is fair game, but her family?
Can you imagine being the grandfather of that child and having to hear the sordid details of your daughter's life and granddaughter's death being broadcast on national TV everyday? Knowing you couldn't object or write a letter of complaint because it would then be read and posted on Nancy Grace's Website?
Nancy is doing to regular people what TMZ is doing to celebrities!
With her background as a Judge, which she wears like a broach for all to see, you'd think she'd realize that she is destroying ANY of her subjects' chances of a fair trial.... all so she can lure in a few more people who want to know all they can about this case.
There is a difference in transparency and propaganda in the legal system. For ALL our sakes, I hope that remains true!
But every time we tune in to these shows, we agree that this is how society should be!
Look at how this thinking has changed the media, just since 9-11!
I LONG for the days when the evening news actually offers stories about actual events that are occurring around me... such as the war in the middle east... or crazy weather patterns.
Do I really need Charles Gibson to tell me about Madonna's divorce?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Stupid sayings that annoy me.
I like to think that I'm "in on" pop culture... but there are a few sayings which just plain annoy me.. and perhaps MORE annoying is that too many small town people have latched onto them and CONTINUE to perpetuate the death of the English language.
Let's just start with "cool beans, Circa 1986". That saying was never a great one, yet some people hold on to it. What does it even mean? As I understand it, one might say "cool beans" as a positive response to something.... But are beans themselves actually a good thing when they arrive to your plate "cool". I mean, I would immediately assume that said beans had been scraped off another plate. Either that or the waiter had done something to them... maybe spit in them or wiped something gross in them thereby causing them to cool down more quickly.
Maybe it's just the context of it's usage that bothers me. Maybe we should change it's definition from something good to something ominous... "Walking down this dark alley at night is cool beans!" Or... "The weather is a cool beans, it may storm tonight". Just a thought.
What about "she's all that?"
This one has ALSO ran its course! I knew it was dead when I actually heard someone over 75 years of age saying "she thinks she's all that and a bag of chips". (No, it wasn't Paula Abdul who said that)
When that saying started, do you think there may have been hand gestures involved? I mean, could there have been a girl walking in a store and someone was standing near the jewelry cabinet and they were trying to illustrate that the girl thought she was worth a lot? Maybe they pointed at the jewelry and said "She thinks she's all that"... and someone working behind the counter laughed as they were about to go on break... then they looked in their hands at the bag of chips they were going to take on break and thought " I can one up that saying"... so then they turned back to the person who said it and said "all that AND a bag of chips!"...
I don't know... maybe I'm trusting in the creativity of the public too much...
Maybe, in fact, there's a government brain trust that just comes up with these phrases to "dumb up" the public...
Another one that just seems odd is when someone says "that's gay"
Is it? Does that mean the item in question has built s float which it is now riding while wearing leather chaps and a half shirt?
If someone points at a blue shirt and says, "that's gay", does that mean the shirt is attracted to other blue shirts?
And can we clarify? I mean would anyone ever say "that's lesbian."? OR... if the person pointing out the gayness actually kind of liked the shirt would they ever say "That's Bi"?
I think I just think about things too much.
My point is, we shouldn't buy into these sayings. We should strive for our own original words and nourish out own creativity!
If you don't agree, Check yourself before you wreck yourself. ;-)
Let's just start with "cool beans, Circa 1986". That saying was never a great one, yet some people hold on to it. What does it even mean? As I understand it, one might say "cool beans" as a positive response to something.... But are beans themselves actually a good thing when they arrive to your plate "cool". I mean, I would immediately assume that said beans had been scraped off another plate. Either that or the waiter had done something to them... maybe spit in them or wiped something gross in them thereby causing them to cool down more quickly.
Maybe it's just the context of it's usage that bothers me. Maybe we should change it's definition from something good to something ominous... "Walking down this dark alley at night is cool beans!" Or... "The weather is a cool beans, it may storm tonight". Just a thought.
What about "she's all that?"
This one has ALSO ran its course! I knew it was dead when I actually heard someone over 75 years of age saying "she thinks she's all that and a bag of chips". (No, it wasn't Paula Abdul who said that)
When that saying started, do you think there may have been hand gestures involved? I mean, could there have been a girl walking in a store and someone was standing near the jewelry cabinet and they were trying to illustrate that the girl thought she was worth a lot? Maybe they pointed at the jewelry and said "She thinks she's all that"... and someone working behind the counter laughed as they were about to go on break... then they looked in their hands at the bag of chips they were going to take on break and thought " I can one up that saying"... so then they turned back to the person who said it and said "all that AND a bag of chips!"...
I don't know... maybe I'm trusting in the creativity of the public too much...
Maybe, in fact, there's a government brain trust that just comes up with these phrases to "dumb up" the public...
Another one that just seems odd is when someone says "that's gay"
Is it? Does that mean the item in question has built s float which it is now riding while wearing leather chaps and a half shirt?
If someone points at a blue shirt and says, "that's gay", does that mean the shirt is attracted to other blue shirts?
And can we clarify? I mean would anyone ever say "that's lesbian."? OR... if the person pointing out the gayness actually kind of liked the shirt would they ever say "That's Bi"?
I think I just think about things too much.
My point is, we shouldn't buy into these sayings. We should strive for our own original words and nourish out own creativity!
If you don't agree, Check yourself before you wreck yourself. ;-)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Sorry for the delay... blame it on the rain.
I have been really busy the past few days and haven't had time to post a new blog.... But I assure you, there are topics to be discussed!
First, I just have to remind people of the tragedy that was Paula Abdul.
I can just see the producers sitting in a pitch meeting. " We can get Daughtry... He has a new CD coming out.".... "No Doubt wants to perform, it's a pretty big deal, this performance will prove they're not breaking up!"... and then... from the corner... that lone little voice "Paula has a new song".... cricket... cricket.
I was a producer for a TV station for years and let me explain something to you... all producers have a secret non verbal language.
I can just IMAGINE all the glances and raise eyebrows... as the producers *said* something like "yeah I think we can squeeze that in"... but what they *meant* was "Oh sweet nectar of the gods this is going to be delicious!!!!"
Let me just say, I think Paula was great during the time of her rise to fame... I'm sure we ALL had to be "Straight Up" with someone in our lives... knowing full well "Opposites Attract"... Many of us may have even found ourselves "Blowing Kisses in the wind"... or maybe we studied "Vibeology"... My point is... she served a purpose.... but.... That performance was just as contrived, shallow, show boaty as anything the "great" Adam Lambert could ever do.
I mean, it could just as easily have been HIM in that little red number being flung around by those backup dancers.
As I watched, I just kept thinking about that GREAT Character created by Meryl Streep in "Death Becomes Her"... Was Paula's "performance" not JUST like the opening show in that movie? Bless her heart.
I don't want to just harp on Paula... She just seems to have become the "pin up Cougar" for what American Idol and Disney is doing to the entertainment industry.
I mean... Before American Idol and Disney, there was no Miley Cyrus... The Taylor Swifts of the world were still busy paying their dues... and the Jonas Brothers would have just been a novelty at county fairs and church retreats...
There was a time when singers had to at LEAST be old enough to drive themselves to their next gig!
Why have we become so focused on turning CHILDREN into stars, and then dressing them like skanks?
Then we're all SURPRISED when the Britney Spears and the Lindsay Lohans freak out, get hopped up on drugs and plow over a few photographers while not wearing underpants!
We should revolt against this trend!
Give me Pearl Jam, Alice in chains... performers who have LIVED the lives they're singing about!
Some of the BEST writers are never given proper credit. I challenge you to listen to the lyrics of a few Mary Chapin Carpenter songs... She honestly has a gift for telling a story... John Legends music is AMAZING... Allison Krauss... really there are too many to mention!
What I guess I'm saying is, if I'm going to give an artist 4 minutes of my life, all I ask is that they truly share something from within themselves! Don't give me your whiny, nasal rendition of someone Else's words... I don't care how many mountains there are to climb, Miley.
(side note... The Black Eyed Peas TOTALLY don't fall into this group even though their songs are a little strange... I love them... because I AM so 3008 and you're so 2000 and late.)
First, I just have to remind people of the tragedy that was Paula Abdul.
I can just see the producers sitting in a pitch meeting. " We can get Daughtry... He has a new CD coming out.".... "No Doubt wants to perform, it's a pretty big deal, this performance will prove they're not breaking up!"... and then... from the corner... that lone little voice "Paula has a new song".... cricket... cricket.
I was a producer for a TV station for years and let me explain something to you... all producers have a secret non verbal language.
I can just IMAGINE all the glances and raise eyebrows... as the producers *said* something like "yeah I think we can squeeze that in"... but what they *meant* was "Oh sweet nectar of the gods this is going to be delicious!!!!"
Let me just say, I think Paula was great during the time of her rise to fame... I'm sure we ALL had to be "Straight Up" with someone in our lives... knowing full well "Opposites Attract"... Many of us may have even found ourselves "Blowing Kisses in the wind"... or maybe we studied "Vibeology"... My point is... she served a purpose.... but.... That performance was just as contrived, shallow, show boaty as anything the "great" Adam Lambert could ever do.
I mean, it could just as easily have been HIM in that little red number being flung around by those backup dancers.
As I watched, I just kept thinking about that GREAT Character created by Meryl Streep in "Death Becomes Her"... Was Paula's "performance" not JUST like the opening show in that movie? Bless her heart.
I don't want to just harp on Paula... She just seems to have become the "pin up Cougar" for what American Idol and Disney is doing to the entertainment industry.
I mean... Before American Idol and Disney, there was no Miley Cyrus... The Taylor Swifts of the world were still busy paying their dues... and the Jonas Brothers would have just been a novelty at county fairs and church retreats...
There was a time when singers had to at LEAST be old enough to drive themselves to their next gig!
Why have we become so focused on turning CHILDREN into stars, and then dressing them like skanks?
Then we're all SURPRISED when the Britney Spears and the Lindsay Lohans freak out, get hopped up on drugs and plow over a few photographers while not wearing underpants!
We should revolt against this trend!
Give me Pearl Jam, Alice in chains... performers who have LIVED the lives they're singing about!
Some of the BEST writers are never given proper credit. I challenge you to listen to the lyrics of a few Mary Chapin Carpenter songs... She honestly has a gift for telling a story... John Legends music is AMAZING... Allison Krauss... really there are too many to mention!
What I guess I'm saying is, if I'm going to give an artist 4 minutes of my life, all I ask is that they truly share something from within themselves! Don't give me your whiny, nasal rendition of someone Else's words... I don't care how many mountains there are to climb, Miley.
(side note... The Black Eyed Peas TOTALLY don't fall into this group even though their songs are a little strange... I love them... because I AM so 3008 and you're so 2000 and late.)
Thursday, May 7, 2009
"Do you have kids? Well... there's always time."
Let me start this by saying to all the parents out there that I think it's great that you have/wanted kids... but indulge me for a moment.
Why is it totally allowed, in the south, for people to invite themselves into your future family plans or lack thereof?
When I see casual acquaintances from the past, why does the question "Do you have kids?" always come up within the first 5 minutes of conversation?
Do we actually live in a world where having a child is a prerequisite to being an actual adult?
Don't get me wrong, I love kids... just not in my house around my stuff or my pets.
Yes, that's selfish... yes, that's Un American... but isn't it my right?
I always love to hear about my friends' kids... but honestly I'm more interested in their pets.
I swear, I am going to start carrying around a baby book with my pets pictures in it so that when people start with the "Look how cute she is" I can whip out the pet book and say "Look at my dog... he's in the same pose as your daughter... but then again, people EXPECT a dog to chew at it's butt every now an then... Oh! That came out wrong... I'm sure your daughter will outgrow that."
And, if it's allowed for people to push themselves into MY personal life, it is then OK for me to be honest when they say something like "Isn't she the prettiest baby you've ever seen?".... Ummm... no, not really... Oh that's her FACE... I thought was a foot.
It just never ceases to amaze me exactly how PERSONAL people get with their questions!
Like when I say I don't have kids they're always like "There's still time if you want them". I am going to turn 37 in June... If I wanted kids, I would have fathered them in High School like the rest of the Southern population.
And what IS this baby craze that makes some women walk up to a complete stranger who may just happen to be a "bigger girl" and ask "when are you due?" That is SOOOO rude! I never assume ANYTHING in that department... it's just too risky!
What would those same women say if the girl said "No I'm just bloated because of my period... How long after menopause did it take YOU to stop bloating?"
Like I said, I really actually LOVE kids... they're just not for me. Anyone can tell you I have a real tendency to get kids all riled up and then send them home. Maybe that's why people keep pushing me to have kids... so they can get my kids all rowdy and send them home... I finally get it... it's not out of concern for my happiness, it all about revenge!
Why is it totally allowed, in the south, for people to invite themselves into your future family plans or lack thereof?
When I see casual acquaintances from the past, why does the question "Do you have kids?" always come up within the first 5 minutes of conversation?
Do we actually live in a world where having a child is a prerequisite to being an actual adult?
Don't get me wrong, I love kids... just not in my house around my stuff or my pets.
Yes, that's selfish... yes, that's Un American... but isn't it my right?
I always love to hear about my friends' kids... but honestly I'm more interested in their pets.
I swear, I am going to start carrying around a baby book with my pets pictures in it so that when people start with the "Look how cute she is" I can whip out the pet book and say "Look at my dog... he's in the same pose as your daughter... but then again, people EXPECT a dog to chew at it's butt every now an then... Oh! That came out wrong... I'm sure your daughter will outgrow that."
And, if it's allowed for people to push themselves into MY personal life, it is then OK for me to be honest when they say something like "Isn't she the prettiest baby you've ever seen?".... Ummm... no, not really... Oh that's her FACE... I thought was a foot.
It just never ceases to amaze me exactly how PERSONAL people get with their questions!
Like when I say I don't have kids they're always like "There's still time if you want them". I am going to turn 37 in June... If I wanted kids, I would have fathered them in High School like the rest of the Southern population.
And what IS this baby craze that makes some women walk up to a complete stranger who may just happen to be a "bigger girl" and ask "when are you due?" That is SOOOO rude! I never assume ANYTHING in that department... it's just too risky!
What would those same women say if the girl said "No I'm just bloated because of my period... How long after menopause did it take YOU to stop bloating?"
Like I said, I really actually LOVE kids... they're just not for me. Anyone can tell you I have a real tendency to get kids all riled up and then send them home. Maybe that's why people keep pushing me to have kids... so they can get my kids all rowdy and send them home... I finally get it... it's not out of concern for my happiness, it all about revenge!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
My Hatred of Adam explained
I understand that many people have trouble understanding my hatred of Adam Lambert.
Let me explain.
When this season of American Idol began, Adam was actually one of the people I myself was rooting for! But maybe 3 shows in, that changed.
I can agree that he can sing in his own wretched, vile way... but I can not STAND hearing him... and God Help me if I have to watch him.
Even BEFORE The drag photos of him surfaced, Glen and I were like "get your dollar bills ready, that is a Drag Queen!"
That cow tongue sticking out as he tries to emulate Patty Labelle's mouth shape... Seriously... don't mess with Miss Labelle.
As his performances continued, I began to see how much he was totally in love with himself. And yes, every performer has to have self confidence... but seriously... he is just over the top.
His performances alone I could live with... but the producers of AI and the Judges made their decision a long time ago.
I know people say "shut up, you're just stupid... America Votes"... to them I say... I spent 17 years of my life in television and I know first hand that you can present a story or person in a way that makes it or them stand out... that is CLEARLY what the producers have done.
In past seasons... contestants drew for their positions in the lineup... you can not tell me that Adam CONSISTENTLY drew the final spot!
Then, the week after he was in the bottom 2 (while in the final spot) he's magically in the starting spot AND the final spot with a duet?
They have made their choice and they're trying to influence votes!
I can't quite understand it either. They're pushing him as this "retro rocker"... that's not even a "today's music" genre! Even more... as we can see from past contestants... that will not be the style of his album! They'll take the shell and fill it with whatever they want.
Bottom line is he is about as "fresh" as week old bread... and as "cutting edge" as Reynolds wrap.
ANY of the other 3 could win this and I would be happy.
I think I'll look back at this post in 1 year, 2 years maybe 3 years and I'm willing to bet people will agree with me... and we'll all get a good chuckle as we say "remember that one guy, Adam I think... whatever happened to him?"
Let me explain.
When this season of American Idol began, Adam was actually one of the people I myself was rooting for! But maybe 3 shows in, that changed.
I can agree that he can sing in his own wretched, vile way... but I can not STAND hearing him... and God Help me if I have to watch him.
Even BEFORE The drag photos of him surfaced, Glen and I were like "get your dollar bills ready, that is a Drag Queen!"
That cow tongue sticking out as he tries to emulate Patty Labelle's mouth shape... Seriously... don't mess with Miss Labelle.
As his performances continued, I began to see how much he was totally in love with himself. And yes, every performer has to have self confidence... but seriously... he is just over the top.
His performances alone I could live with... but the producers of AI and the Judges made their decision a long time ago.
I know people say "shut up, you're just stupid... America Votes"... to them I say... I spent 17 years of my life in television and I know first hand that you can present a story or person in a way that makes it or them stand out... that is CLEARLY what the producers have done.
In past seasons... contestants drew for their positions in the lineup... you can not tell me that Adam CONSISTENTLY drew the final spot!
Then, the week after he was in the bottom 2 (while in the final spot) he's magically in the starting spot AND the final spot with a duet?
They have made their choice and they're trying to influence votes!
I can't quite understand it either. They're pushing him as this "retro rocker"... that's not even a "today's music" genre! Even more... as we can see from past contestants... that will not be the style of his album! They'll take the shell and fill it with whatever they want.
Bottom line is he is about as "fresh" as week old bread... and as "cutting edge" as Reynolds wrap.
ANY of the other 3 could win this and I would be happy.
I think I'll look back at this post in 1 year, 2 years maybe 3 years and I'm willing to bet people will agree with me... and we'll all get a good chuckle as we say "remember that one guy, Adam I think... whatever happened to him?"
One from the Archives.
I stopped at a junky little yard sale this morning.
When my brother Chuck was alive, he and I used to go to some of the scariest places on earth, all in the quest for old radios.
I was thinking about one time when Chuck , Glen and I went looking... and for a brief moment, I was worried we might not make it out!
So here's how it happened.
Chuck had called some number for a guy who said he had some old antiques and radios.
He asked me and Glen to go along, which we were happy to do... you never know what you're going to find.
So we pull up to the house, which was over near Gerber in Fort Smith.
It should have tipped us off when the house had a 6 foot tall privacy fence all the way around it.... but no... Chuck was SURE there could be a Catlin radio or even the coveted Spartan Nocturne just on the other side of the fence.
We walked up to the fence and knocked on it... no one answered. That was a little strange because we had JUST gotten off the phone with the guy.
So Chuck called him again and the guy said he'd meet us in the driveway.
When the guy came out, we should have slammed the car in reverse and fishtailed out of there!
He was grimier than expected... I kind of wondered whether the home had running water.
While Glen and I were ready to go, Chuck was hopping out of the car and ready to venture into this "home" to see what treasures lie within.
Just as the guy finally decided to take us inside the home... he paused. "None of y'all work for the police or anything do you?' DING DING DING wwwwWWWWWEEEEEEWWwwwwwww! Lights and sirens were going off in my head.
"I work for Wal-Mart" Chuck said... Then Glen said, "No, I work for Beverly Enterprises".... Now, I had to weigh this one carefully.... No, I did NOT work for the police... but I worked for the TV station. I knew that if I answered truthfully it might send this guy into a Meth Induced rage... "I work for Wal-Mart too!" I said.
This was good enough for the man, so he led us inside.
OK, I have been in some really junky houses... Heck, I've LIVED in some really junky houses... but nothing... NOTHING prepared me for this.
WE walked into the "living room" which was lit by a 15 Watt bulb in a lamp with a dirty lampshade... and a strand of Christmas lights that were suspended in a fishing net that was hanging from the ceiling!
The room was FILLED with old coffee cups, McDonald's Happy Meal toys and a few pieces of furniture... you know... the stuff we ALL have left over at the end of a yard sale.
As my eyes adjusted... I saw a woman sitting on the remains of a 1970's couch. She was holding something.... "Is that a dog?" I thought... NO! It was a baby!
As I began to recite the 23rd Psalm, Chuck looked around the room and made small talk with the guy... "A lot of people collect those Happy Meal Toys... do you have any radios?" Chuck asked.. He was always pretty coy about getting the topic BACK to old radios.
"Nothing really in here, I may have some in the back room" the man said.
Now at that moment, I was thinking... he is going to get us in that back room, kill us and bury us in one of these holes in the floor! but before *I* could say anything... "Can we see them?" Chuck asked.
The man lead us down the hall... to a room that had a MATTRESS over the door! "You'll have to move that mattress to get back there" he said. I feel my heart racing and my stomach churning! I made a quick mental note of all the windows I could break out if I had to make a quick exit... Of Course, Chuck walks back there, moves the mattress and goes into the room!
Glen and I stayed at the other end of the hall listening for any sounds of impacts or muffled screams.
Finally Chuck emerged with some little radio that really wasn't worth anything. He bought it anyway because I think he felt sorry for the guy.
When we got back in the car, Chuck said... that place was a little scary! YA THINK?
Chuck could always convince me to go with him into the most God Forsaken places in search of antiques.
At the time, I remember thinking "I will NEVER do this again!"... but I always did when Chuck would get a big lead.
Chuck passed away in 2003, and I really haven't been able to go "junking" too much since. That was something that he and I shared and it just feels empty without him.
For all the hovels and shacks that we went in while he was living, I am truly grateful.
Thankful for the memories that were blazen in my memory by the high adrenaline levels which come with the possibility of being killed and stuffed in the floor.
When my brother Chuck was alive, he and I used to go to some of the scariest places on earth, all in the quest for old radios.
I was thinking about one time when Chuck , Glen and I went looking... and for a brief moment, I was worried we might not make it out!
So here's how it happened.
Chuck had called some number for a guy who said he had some old antiques and radios.
He asked me and Glen to go along, which we were happy to do... you never know what you're going to find.
So we pull up to the house, which was over near Gerber in Fort Smith.
It should have tipped us off when the house had a 6 foot tall privacy fence all the way around it.... but no... Chuck was SURE there could be a Catlin radio or even the coveted Spartan Nocturne just on the other side of the fence.
We walked up to the fence and knocked on it... no one answered. That was a little strange because we had JUST gotten off the phone with the guy.
So Chuck called him again and the guy said he'd meet us in the driveway.
When the guy came out, we should have slammed the car in reverse and fishtailed out of there!
He was grimier than expected... I kind of wondered whether the home had running water.
While Glen and I were ready to go, Chuck was hopping out of the car and ready to venture into this "home" to see what treasures lie within.
Just as the guy finally decided to take us inside the home... he paused. "None of y'all work for the police or anything do you?' DING DING DING wwwwWWWWWEEEEEEWWwwwwwww! Lights and sirens were going off in my head.
"I work for Wal-Mart" Chuck said... Then Glen said, "No, I work for Beverly Enterprises".... Now, I had to weigh this one carefully.... No, I did NOT work for the police... but I worked for the TV station. I knew that if I answered truthfully it might send this guy into a Meth Induced rage... "I work for Wal-Mart too!" I said.
This was good enough for the man, so he led us inside.
OK, I have been in some really junky houses... Heck, I've LIVED in some really junky houses... but nothing... NOTHING prepared me for this.
WE walked into the "living room" which was lit by a 15 Watt bulb in a lamp with a dirty lampshade... and a strand of Christmas lights that were suspended in a fishing net that was hanging from the ceiling!
The room was FILLED with old coffee cups, McDonald's Happy Meal toys and a few pieces of furniture... you know... the stuff we ALL have left over at the end of a yard sale.
As my eyes adjusted... I saw a woman sitting on the remains of a 1970's couch. She was holding something.... "Is that a dog?" I thought... NO! It was a baby!
As I began to recite the 23rd Psalm, Chuck looked around the room and made small talk with the guy... "A lot of people collect those Happy Meal Toys... do you have any radios?" Chuck asked.. He was always pretty coy about getting the topic BACK to old radios.
"Nothing really in here, I may have some in the back room" the man said.
Now at that moment, I was thinking... he is going to get us in that back room, kill us and bury us in one of these holes in the floor! but before *I* could say anything... "Can we see them?" Chuck asked.
The man lead us down the hall... to a room that had a MATTRESS over the door! "You'll have to move that mattress to get back there" he said. I feel my heart racing and my stomach churning! I made a quick mental note of all the windows I could break out if I had to make a quick exit... Of Course, Chuck walks back there, moves the mattress and goes into the room!
Glen and I stayed at the other end of the hall listening for any sounds of impacts or muffled screams.
Finally Chuck emerged with some little radio that really wasn't worth anything. He bought it anyway because I think he felt sorry for the guy.
When we got back in the car, Chuck said... that place was a little scary! YA THINK?
Chuck could always convince me to go with him into the most God Forsaken places in search of antiques.
At the time, I remember thinking "I will NEVER do this again!"... but I always did when Chuck would get a big lead.
Chuck passed away in 2003, and I really haven't been able to go "junking" too much since. That was something that he and I shared and it just feels empty without him.
For all the hovels and shacks that we went in while he was living, I am truly grateful.
Thankful for the memories that were blazen in my memory by the high adrenaline levels which come with the possibility of being killed and stuffed in the floor.
Monday, May 4, 2009
A quick reality check
Just a couple of quick notes on Reality TV
Did anyone see this week's Amazing Race?
I can not believe what happened!!!! So Jen and Kisha were in the running to be in the final 3... until Jen decided she had to pee!
Jen and Kisha were on their way to the final pit stop with a pretty good lead on the other team when Jen absolutely HAD to stop and pee!
OK... I know it can be really difficult to think of anything else when you have to pee... but they were racing for a million dollars... I would have pissed my pants and kept on running if I knew there was a chance for me to win a million dollars! I mean, Jen quite literally pissed away her chance at a million bux! I hope Margie and Luke win now.
As for Idol... I have a baaaaaad feeling. I'm really worried that Kris could go home this week.
The producers are clearly trying to make sure Adam doesn't end up in the bottom again... I mean it's "rocker week" and he is attempting to stay in character as a rocker.
Just looking at him sing and stick out that giant cow tongue while he contorts his mouth into the "mask of tragedy" shape makes soooooo siiiiiiiiiick.
Clearly I hate him... nuff said.
On a quick side note, I stumbled onto the most ridiculous reality dating show that has ever been put into production.
I believe it's called "Daisy of Love" and it's on VH1.
The girl who these guys are trying to win a date with is "toe up". I mean she puts the NK back in Skank. I'm not sure what that means... but trust me it's bad.
She looks like she'd be kind of oily to touch... and might smell like patchouli and egg rolls.
Apparently, the world has ran out of possible shows... They keep re-packaging the same old crap with a different skank.
That's all for now... I have to go pray that Adam will be voted off.
Did anyone see this week's Amazing Race?
I can not believe what happened!!!! So Jen and Kisha were in the running to be in the final 3... until Jen decided she had to pee!
Jen and Kisha were on their way to the final pit stop with a pretty good lead on the other team when Jen absolutely HAD to stop and pee!
OK... I know it can be really difficult to think of anything else when you have to pee... but they were racing for a million dollars... I would have pissed my pants and kept on running if I knew there was a chance for me to win a million dollars! I mean, Jen quite literally pissed away her chance at a million bux! I hope Margie and Luke win now.
As for Idol... I have a baaaaaad feeling. I'm really worried that Kris could go home this week.
The producers are clearly trying to make sure Adam doesn't end up in the bottom again... I mean it's "rocker week" and he is attempting to stay in character as a rocker.
Just looking at him sing and stick out that giant cow tongue while he contorts his mouth into the "mask of tragedy" shape makes soooooo siiiiiiiiiick.
Clearly I hate him... nuff said.
On a quick side note, I stumbled onto the most ridiculous reality dating show that has ever been put into production.
I believe it's called "Daisy of Love" and it's on VH1.
The girl who these guys are trying to win a date with is "toe up". I mean she puts the NK back in Skank. I'm not sure what that means... but trust me it's bad.
She looks like she'd be kind of oily to touch... and might smell like patchouli and egg rolls.
Apparently, the world has ran out of possible shows... They keep re-packaging the same old crap with a different skank.
That's all for now... I have to go pray that Adam will be voted off.
Am I Liberal or just Lazy?
Wow... I just woke up from what seemed like a 2 day nap. Nothing like rainy weather to help you sleep.
During the 2 day deluge, I heard from one of my cop friends that the crazy Topeka "church" was in town picketing the funeral of a fallen Marine.
Really?
What is it about those people that has just clicked off to make it seem OK to do something like that?
I totally get that they believe they're doing the right thing... Which is apparently to let the world know that THEY are now God's chosen people...
Have you ever seen these people? Seriously... they just don't look right. They all kind of look alike. Legally I should say, I'm not saying they're inbred.
What happened to these freaks? I mean... I have to applaud them for their dedication. I'm not sure there's anything I feel strongly enough about to actually picket... well... unless I thought it would help get Adam Lambert off American Idol.
But seriously. If I was part of a group that was supposed to picket and I woke up to a rainy morning... I would totally assume the protest had been rained out. Then, when I saw them later I'd just tell them, I was on my way when I had to stop and pray... God told me to tell you that he's really happy with you. You know those people would eat that up.
I just don't get it. I mean, have you seen some of their signs? They are just funny! Of course you have the standard "God Hates Fags".... which might I add, that sign would have to be changed if they were picketing in England... unless it was an anti tobacco rally.
I just picture them in the editorial meeting. Sister Brenda walks in with a Mock Up on some signs...
"Brother Phelps, as you can see here... we've superimposed Barack Obama's face over some of our stock images of the devil. You see he's holding a pitchfork and he's saying Burn Baby Burn"
"Over here we have Hillary Clinton, you'll notice we've morphed her head on a snake... see how she's coiled up ready to strike? as you can see we've written the word 'gayness' on her fangs... clearly she's ready to strike and infect her victims with gayness"
Somehow I picture Phelps saying something like "do we still have that one with Lance Bass Shirtless? I need a new copy of that one for my files.... Don't ask me why... God says I need it... and could you lock the door behind you when you leave?"
I think for me, it really comes down to this...
I would never support a church that spent more of it's time hating than helping. I have known too many people who have committed suicide or just given up because they were told God hated them.
And oddly enough, In my volunteer work for numerous organizations, I've met more "secular" people than religious ones.
I don't claim to know the mind of God... and I'd hate to be one of those people who DO claim to...
I kind of picture the entrance to heaven a bit like Airport Security. You have to go through security so they can check your baggage.
"Sir, You have a lot of Hatred in here... "
"It's not MINE, I was holding it for the pastor of my church"
"mmmm hmmmm, well it's in your bag so you best go sit down and wait for security."
Yeah, I kind of picture the security guard as a black woman.... because black women absolutely do not take any crap!
My advice is....
We all know how to do the right thing. We shouldn't have to wait on a pastor or religious leader to tell us.
We also shouldn't allow them to change the way God or the higher power.. .what ever you believe in has directed us in our heart.
However...If you still believe you SHOULD be fed beliefs... God told me to tell you to vote against Adam Lambert.
During the 2 day deluge, I heard from one of my cop friends that the crazy Topeka "church" was in town picketing the funeral of a fallen Marine.
Really?
What is it about those people that has just clicked off to make it seem OK to do something like that?
I totally get that they believe they're doing the right thing... Which is apparently to let the world know that THEY are now God's chosen people...
Have you ever seen these people? Seriously... they just don't look right. They all kind of look alike. Legally I should say, I'm not saying they're inbred.
What happened to these freaks? I mean... I have to applaud them for their dedication. I'm not sure there's anything I feel strongly enough about to actually picket... well... unless I thought it would help get Adam Lambert off American Idol.
But seriously. If I was part of a group that was supposed to picket and I woke up to a rainy morning... I would totally assume the protest had been rained out. Then, when I saw them later I'd just tell them, I was on my way when I had to stop and pray... God told me to tell you that he's really happy with you. You know those people would eat that up.
I just don't get it. I mean, have you seen some of their signs? They are just funny! Of course you have the standard "God Hates Fags".... which might I add, that sign would have to be changed if they were picketing in England... unless it was an anti tobacco rally.
I just picture them in the editorial meeting. Sister Brenda walks in with a Mock Up on some signs...
"Brother Phelps, as you can see here... we've superimposed Barack Obama's face over some of our stock images of the devil. You see he's holding a pitchfork and he's saying Burn Baby Burn"
"Over here we have Hillary Clinton, you'll notice we've morphed her head on a snake... see how she's coiled up ready to strike? as you can see we've written the word 'gayness' on her fangs... clearly she's ready to strike and infect her victims with gayness"
Somehow I picture Phelps saying something like "do we still have that one with Lance Bass Shirtless? I need a new copy of that one for my files.... Don't ask me why... God says I need it... and could you lock the door behind you when you leave?"
I think for me, it really comes down to this...
I would never support a church that spent more of it's time hating than helping. I have known too many people who have committed suicide or just given up because they were told God hated them.
And oddly enough, In my volunteer work for numerous organizations, I've met more "secular" people than religious ones.
I don't claim to know the mind of God... and I'd hate to be one of those people who DO claim to...
I kind of picture the entrance to heaven a bit like Airport Security. You have to go through security so they can check your baggage.
"Sir, You have a lot of Hatred in here... "
"It's not MINE, I was holding it for the pastor of my church"
"mmmm hmmmm, well it's in your bag so you best go sit down and wait for security."
Yeah, I kind of picture the security guard as a black woman.... because black women absolutely do not take any crap!
My advice is....
We all know how to do the right thing. We shouldn't have to wait on a pastor or religious leader to tell us.
We also shouldn't allow them to change the way God or the higher power.. .what ever you believe in has directed us in our heart.
However...If you still believe you SHOULD be fed beliefs... God told me to tell you to vote against Adam Lambert.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Waldron Wisdom
It seems more and more that people are just losing all self control and inhibitions.
Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer that everyone should have the right to be who they want to be... but sometimes, I'm just a little bit like "well why would you want to be like that?"
I must admit that I have been accused in the past of being a bit uppity and even snobbish. I don't actually MEAN to be... but there are just some things and people that I just can't abide.
I attribute it all to my Waldron Roots and the rules both spoken and non that we all lived by there.
For instance...
Never go anywhere that you'd be ashamed to be found dead. Think about that for a minute. It's all well and good when your friend says "it's going to be great! Strippers everywhere... all the booze you can drink...". That might sound intriguing until you start thinking in headlines. "Waldron Boy Dies in Booze Drenched Stripper Melee". That's not the kind of thing people would overlook at the funeral.... in fact, it might lead to a pretty small potluck prepared by southern church women.
Another great piece of advice comes from my "Nanny". "You might as well laugh as cry". That is so true. No matter what happened in Nanny's life, she looked at the bright side and chose to laugh. She'd always say " it could be worse... I could be twins".
My Great Grandma, Granny Tinder, dealt with upsetting news in another way... If you gave her bad news, she'd say "Well, cat fur makes a pair of kitten britches". I have no idea what that means... but as I'd sit there trying to figure it out... it took my mind off the bad news at hand.
I love that I grew up around so many colorful characters. I don't guess any of them had more than a 7th or 8th grade education... things were different then. But the wisdom these people possessed far exceeds anything that can be taught in college.
Nanny could cook anything... no really, I mean anything. I remember one time Chuck, Donishia and I were sitting in Nanny & Papaws living room after dinner when we noticed Nanny was sitting at the table banging on something.
"What are you doing?" Donishia asked. ""I'm trying to break this squirrel skull to get the brain out." Nanny replied. Us kids were mortified! I think I may have actually nearly thrown up. In My mind, she was trying to eat "Rocky the Flying Squirrel's" brain! After that, I didn't eat too many meat items at her home unless I saw her pull it out of a package.
My grandpa Abb was probably just as bad... the only thing that was different is that at Abb and Alberta's, my cousin Sandy was there to "agg" me on.
Because Sandy dared me and said I wouldn't... I have eaten Venison, Snake and a soup that is best described as the mop water from a slaughterhouse all warmed up. I think it was actually called Son of a Bitch stew, but Alberta made Abb change the name to Son of a Gun stew for religious reasons.
Through all the crazy stories and even crazy meals... I was lucky to have had such a close relationship with both sets of grandparents.
They were survivors... Wars, the Depression... Heck, Alberta even survived Malaria when she was a child.
Their enduring spirit and refusal to give up was the best life lesson I could have ever learned.
Don't get me wrong, I am a firm believer that everyone should have the right to be who they want to be... but sometimes, I'm just a little bit like "well why would you want to be like that?"
I must admit that I have been accused in the past of being a bit uppity and even snobbish. I don't actually MEAN to be... but there are just some things and people that I just can't abide.
I attribute it all to my Waldron Roots and the rules both spoken and non that we all lived by there.
For instance...
Never go anywhere that you'd be ashamed to be found dead. Think about that for a minute. It's all well and good when your friend says "it's going to be great! Strippers everywhere... all the booze you can drink...". That might sound intriguing until you start thinking in headlines. "Waldron Boy Dies in Booze Drenched Stripper Melee". That's not the kind of thing people would overlook at the funeral.... in fact, it might lead to a pretty small potluck prepared by southern church women.
Another great piece of advice comes from my "Nanny". "You might as well laugh as cry". That is so true. No matter what happened in Nanny's life, she looked at the bright side and chose to laugh. She'd always say " it could be worse... I could be twins".
My Great Grandma, Granny Tinder, dealt with upsetting news in another way... If you gave her bad news, she'd say "Well, cat fur makes a pair of kitten britches". I have no idea what that means... but as I'd sit there trying to figure it out... it took my mind off the bad news at hand.
I love that I grew up around so many colorful characters. I don't guess any of them had more than a 7th or 8th grade education... things were different then. But the wisdom these people possessed far exceeds anything that can be taught in college.
Nanny could cook anything... no really, I mean anything. I remember one time Chuck, Donishia and I were sitting in Nanny & Papaws living room after dinner when we noticed Nanny was sitting at the table banging on something.
"What are you doing?" Donishia asked. ""I'm trying to break this squirrel skull to get the brain out." Nanny replied. Us kids were mortified! I think I may have actually nearly thrown up. In My mind, she was trying to eat "Rocky the Flying Squirrel's" brain! After that, I didn't eat too many meat items at her home unless I saw her pull it out of a package.
My grandpa Abb was probably just as bad... the only thing that was different is that at Abb and Alberta's, my cousin Sandy was there to "agg" me on.
Because Sandy dared me and said I wouldn't... I have eaten Venison, Snake and a soup that is best described as the mop water from a slaughterhouse all warmed up. I think it was actually called Son of a Bitch stew, but Alberta made Abb change the name to Son of a Gun stew for religious reasons.
Through all the crazy stories and even crazy meals... I was lucky to have had such a close relationship with both sets of grandparents.
They were survivors... Wars, the Depression... Heck, Alberta even survived Malaria when she was a child.
Their enduring spirit and refusal to give up was the best life lesson I could have ever learned.
Friday, May 1, 2009
The night that the lights went out in Waldron.
Today's stormy weather reminded me of one of my FAVORITE memories of my Grandmother Alberta.
First, a little back story.
You have to understand that my Grandmother was one of the most faithful, church going people I have ever known. There is no question that she lived her life for Jesus and radiated an amazing light from her faith.
So this story takes place during a stormy day in 1977 or 78.
It had been a particularly stormy day in Waldron, Arkansas. I remember Alberta, my aunt Janet and uncle Billy took frequent trips to the front porch to monitor the approaching storm.
As it got closer, My brother Chuck, My sister Donishia and I huddled together on a couch that was lined along the center most wall in the house.
The wind kept blowing harder and harder and it seemed the sky was a constant bolt of lightning.
Chuck, Donishia and I had huddled so closely that I think we were all sitting on one single cushion... if we could have pushed ourselves into the lining of the couch, we most certainly would have.
Billy and Janet were at the back door watching the storm... And I guess Alberta decided she had to calm my brother, sister and me before we passed out from hyperventilating.
I can remember this next part so clearly that it seems it could have happened yesterday.
Alberta came into the living room and began telling us we shouldn't be scared.... This of course did nothing to calm us.
Then she began talking about bible verses... which I must say calmed us a little.
Her final sentence was " you don't need to worry, the Lord will protect you."
At the very instant that she finished that sentence... lightning struck the house next door... close enough that is caused the light bulb DIRECTLY above Alberta to shatter and rain down like fireworks!
Alberta went from her usual tall stature to a crumpled mass crawling toward the couch, patting her hair to make sure it wasn't on fire!
In UNISON, the three of us kids let out blood curdling screams!
Janet ran in to the living room to tell us it had hit Randy's house, for the life of me I can't remember his name.
Billy and Janet helped Randy and "Swanna" ( I think) get out of their house, and I seem to remember Janet crawling under the house to get kittens or puppies or something... I remember Alberta was more worried than impressed by Janet & Billy's Heroics.
What's so amazing is that I still get spooked by storms... but just as I'm about to get "worked up" I hear Alberta saying "you shouldn't worry, the Lord will protect you".... and that memory makes me smile. It was one of Alberta's favorites stories too!
I was so lucky to grow up in Small Town Arkansas with such amazing family members who made me who I am today! well... the GOOD parts. ;-p
First, a little back story.
You have to understand that my Grandmother was one of the most faithful, church going people I have ever known. There is no question that she lived her life for Jesus and radiated an amazing light from her faith.
So this story takes place during a stormy day in 1977 or 78.
It had been a particularly stormy day in Waldron, Arkansas. I remember Alberta, my aunt Janet and uncle Billy took frequent trips to the front porch to monitor the approaching storm.
As it got closer, My brother Chuck, My sister Donishia and I huddled together on a couch that was lined along the center most wall in the house.
The wind kept blowing harder and harder and it seemed the sky was a constant bolt of lightning.
Chuck, Donishia and I had huddled so closely that I think we were all sitting on one single cushion... if we could have pushed ourselves into the lining of the couch, we most certainly would have.
Billy and Janet were at the back door watching the storm... And I guess Alberta decided she had to calm my brother, sister and me before we passed out from hyperventilating.
I can remember this next part so clearly that it seems it could have happened yesterday.
Alberta came into the living room and began telling us we shouldn't be scared.... This of course did nothing to calm us.
Then she began talking about bible verses... which I must say calmed us a little.
Her final sentence was " you don't need to worry, the Lord will protect you."
At the very instant that she finished that sentence... lightning struck the house next door... close enough that is caused the light bulb DIRECTLY above Alberta to shatter and rain down like fireworks!
Alberta went from her usual tall stature to a crumpled mass crawling toward the couch, patting her hair to make sure it wasn't on fire!
In UNISON, the three of us kids let out blood curdling screams!
Janet ran in to the living room to tell us it had hit Randy's house, for the life of me I can't remember his name.
Billy and Janet helped Randy and "Swanna" ( I think) get out of their house, and I seem to remember Janet crawling under the house to get kittens or puppies or something... I remember Alberta was more worried than impressed by Janet & Billy's Heroics.
What's so amazing is that I still get spooked by storms... but just as I'm about to get "worked up" I hear Alberta saying "you shouldn't worry, the Lord will protect you".... and that memory makes me smile. It was one of Alberta's favorites stories too!
I was so lucky to grow up in Small Town Arkansas with such amazing family members who made me who I am today! well... the GOOD parts. ;-p
Random Rainy Morning Thoughts
I find that mornings like this seem to aggravate my ADD.
Without the mental diversion of being able to go outside, my mind FILLS with random thoughts.
like...
What happens if a Jewish or Islamic person gets Swine Flu? It's certainly not Kosher... If Osama Bin Laden came down with it, would he be branded an infidel? Maybe they don't even call it Swine Flu... Maybe it's Infidel Flu there?
or...
If we can create a rabies vaccine for dogs, why can't we do it for humans? Wouldn't it be so much easier to get one shot a year to avoid the possibility of a series of painful shots? Imagine the freedom if we all had rabies vaccinations.... We could walk up to stray dogs without fear... There would be no need to run away screaming when you found a possum or raccoon in your trash... you could just pick it up and say something like "bite me all you want you little bastard just stay out of my trash!". Not to mention, we'd all get a new piece of jewelry each year! That's what I tell my dogs their tags are... jewelry. I don't like for them to feel like they're "tagged" like a cow. Plus, since they think it's jewelry.. I think they take care of it more.
On that note... why do we talk to ALL animals? Does it help for us to yell "GET OUT OF HERE!!!!" to a snake? Are we expecting it to respond? We would fall over if the snake said "SSSSoooo SSSSoooorrry I didn't sssseeee a sssssign" ... that's how they'd have to talk because of their tongues.... but it would be rude to make fun of them because of their lisps.
And...
I grew up eating "Polk Salet".... but WHO determined that it was POISON until it was boiled twice? Were our ancestors just sitting around the campfire saying after eating it when someone said "Well, Betty and Carl died.... I wonder if that Polk Salet was poison?" Then, as they reheated it to make test it... they were like... "No... it tastes alright to me!" Then, some forward thinker said... "You know what? Every time Ruby makes that stuff, people die! But when Brenda reheats it, we're all fine.... Either Ruby is trying to kill all of us, or we should Blanche it... Drain it... and then boil it again!" By the way... I always give my characters "Waldron" names... it endears them to me.
Without the mental diversion of being able to go outside, my mind FILLS with random thoughts.
like...
What happens if a Jewish or Islamic person gets Swine Flu? It's certainly not Kosher... If Osama Bin Laden came down with it, would he be branded an infidel? Maybe they don't even call it Swine Flu... Maybe it's Infidel Flu there?
or...
If we can create a rabies vaccine for dogs, why can't we do it for humans? Wouldn't it be so much easier to get one shot a year to avoid the possibility of a series of painful shots? Imagine the freedom if we all had rabies vaccinations.... We could walk up to stray dogs without fear... There would be no need to run away screaming when you found a possum or raccoon in your trash... you could just pick it up and say something like "bite me all you want you little bastard just stay out of my trash!". Not to mention, we'd all get a new piece of jewelry each year! That's what I tell my dogs their tags are... jewelry. I don't like for them to feel like they're "tagged" like a cow. Plus, since they think it's jewelry.. I think they take care of it more.
On that note... why do we talk to ALL animals? Does it help for us to yell "GET OUT OF HERE!!!!" to a snake? Are we expecting it to respond? We would fall over if the snake said "SSSSoooo SSSSoooorrry I didn't sssseeee a sssssign" ... that's how they'd have to talk because of their tongues.... but it would be rude to make fun of them because of their lisps.
And...
I grew up eating "Polk Salet".... but WHO determined that it was POISON until it was boiled twice? Were our ancestors just sitting around the campfire saying after eating it when someone said "Well, Betty and Carl died.... I wonder if that Polk Salet was poison?" Then, as they reheated it to make test it... they were like... "No... it tastes alright to me!" Then, some forward thinker said... "You know what? Every time Ruby makes that stuff, people die! But when Brenda reheats it, we're all fine.... Either Ruby is trying to kill all of us, or we should Blanche it... Drain it... and then boil it again!" By the way... I always give my characters "Waldron" names... it endears them to me.
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