Well, we survived another holiday season! Now, we just have to make it past the 2009 finish line!
Unfortunately, it seems that the crazy shopping madness and traffic troubles didn't just stop with Christmas!
Apparently, everyone in the free world saved up all their vacation until the last of the year... I assume to piss me off!
OK... So, Sunday after Christmas I had to go to the store.
I put it off as long as I could... but I was down to the last of my instant rice and ranch dressing... So I actually HAD to go buy groceries.
I live 1.4 miles exactly from Wal-Mart.... so I thought SURELY I can handle this.
As I was about to turn onto the highway I was met by a slew of those lovely drivers who are driving 50mph until they get near your intersection and see that you have a narrow window of opportunity to get onto the highway.... then they slow it way down!
After they passed I was able to get onto the highway... but the onslaught of idiot drivers made it impossible for me to catch up with the drivers who willfully made it harder for me to get on the road... I wasn't going to flip them off or anything... I mean it IS still the holiday season... but if I could make it difficult for them to make a turn or get into the outside lane... then we'd be even, ya know? I mean... I would just be fulfilling the other half of "do unto others".
Anyway... I finally make it to the Wal Mart Parking lot.
May I just ask, what the HELL are people thinking when they cut across the lot to get the perfect spot?
I mean... do they really think those yellow lines and arrows only apply to OTHER people but not them?
MORE than once I have been driving along, following the directions PAINTED on the lot only to be cut off by some large woman, with bangs circa 1987.... two bumper stickers- one that says "follow me to -insert church name here-" and the other that says "Housework doesn't suck...if it did men would like it".
I think I'm just becoming such a jaded person in my old(er) age... because I don't even stop when I see them swinging around to cut in front of me.... I CONTINUE WITH MY RIGHT OF WAY!
And even though, according to any drivers education book ever printed I am in the right... I end up getting the hateful look/finger point?!?!?
So I find a spot.... drive over the empty cans and used diapers! By the way... WHY do some people do that? There is nothing more vile than to step out of the car and step on or near a discarded dirty diaper! If you see someone dump a diaper in a public lot... take a picture of them /their car... As God as my witness I am going to start a photo site where we will expose these nasty inconsiderate parents....
Finally, I get into the store.... feces free and with a portion of my patience hanging by a single strand of hope..
I'm trying to rush to get what I need, and I get stuck behind a man on one of those motorized carts! The ONLY thing that kept my rage in check is knowing that this man... this poor soul... has clearly had it worse than me.... I mean... I have the freedom to walk the aisles... while he... through some cruel test of fate is resigned to this scooter... unable to reach items on the top shelf... WHAT THE HELL?????? That's when he STOOD UP... Grabbed his item.... and then stretched his back!!!! As if this "road trip through Wal Mart" was just too much for his back... He needed to take a break from sitting! I FELT CHEATED!
Once I got around him, I was met on every aisle by people who were apparently using each aisle as a venue for their family reunions!!!! And then when you look at them and muster up every ounce of politeness left in depths of your soul and say "excuse me, please" with a SMILE no less... and you get that "huff/jagged cart move"!
When that happens, it is ALL I can do to not go peel off one of those security tags in electronics and somehow attach it to them where it's not visible... so Mabel at the front door will make them walk through the metal detectors 57 times just to figure out what wasn't scanned!
Finally, I make it all the way up to the checkouts... only to end up in a lane where the meanest woman ever created it berating the checker for not being able to scan her coupons.... only to later find out that 3 of the coupons were for items the lady didn't buy and 4 of them were EXPIRED!
I get through with no major problems... only to find a cart lodged against my door.
I push it to the Cart Corral (Yes people... that's where they go) , Get in my car and FLOOR it out of there!
About halfway home I'm coming down from my stress induced rage... when it hits me.... I forgot bread!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
My sojourn o'er the river crotchety
I think it's finally happened!
I have crossed a major milestone in my life!
I have waded across the river crotchety and come out the other side soaking wet!
It happened so quietly! One day I was smiling as I passed over the Fox News Channel... the next, I was ready to call those bastards and give them a piece of my mind!
But seriously folks.... I'm not sure if it's my age, my poor diet and sleeping habits... or if I've finally realized that just ignoring stupid people will NOT make them go away.
let me start by saying that I didn't just slowly wade into crocthetyism.... I ran in splashing! It's a messy process that seems to splatter my disdain equally across a number of topics!
Like... What happened to the "R" in "frustrated?"
Seriously... I have recently noticed a decline in the proper pronunciation of this word! Was there a meeting that I missed where pop culture announced that henceforth we will all be "fusstrated" at traffic?
Was this mentioned on a chain e-mail that I deleted without reading, thereby guaranteeing myself bad luck and preventing something "amazing" from happening for me and the 12 people I sent it to?
Apparently, that same e-mail must have also referenced the "T" in words such as "curtain".
You see, I have recently adopted a new guilty pleasure known as "Let's make a deal".
I believe most of us know the premise of this show... you get a gift, you can trade it for a box or a curtain.... and like life... sometimes it's a good trade, sometimes it's a giant pile of potato peelings.
While watching this GEM of American Heritage... I have seen, or rather heard, several people say they would like the (and I must spell it phonetically) "CUR uhn".
Is this some sort of a trend? Did someone do this once and others told them "that's so cute"? Because, I assure you... it is not. It's quite upseh-un actually.
Yes, I hear you as you are reading this...."what's his deal? Why is he worried about this and not the war in Afghanistan?" To you I say, "Of COURSE those topics matter to me... but if you're going to belittle me, get your own damned blog".... Respectfully, of course.
My point is, and I actually do have one, that we have become a society that is so afraid of offending someone else that we don't speak up when they sound stupid!
Like tonight... I saw a group of women, I assume they were all members of the "Betty Baptist's Prayer Hair Care" group.
They were on the news talking about camping out all night at Sam's Wholesale in Fayetteville, Arkansas to be the first people in line to see Sarah Palin.
Apparently, they were afraid that since they all looked alike... that Her Highness, Sarah Palin, might assume she'd already SIGNED their book and "go rogue" refusing to validate their reasons for living and refuse to sign their book.
See, THESE ladies were proud to say they were there for Palin because she "represented Christian family values". By the way, I'm gathering that the way you do that these days is to write some sort of tell all book and then leave your kids at home while you tour the country selling your wares to every housewife who feels empowered by seeing you tote a gun.... I"M GUESSING... Not saying that's fact.
But my issue is that THESE ladies stood up and were willing to say whatever they felt... becuase it is a popularly accepted statement! I mean, who ISN'T for family values? Yes, certainly that is a topic that is up for interpretation. But none the less, we all hold true to some form of values.
So why shouldn't WE stand up for our beliefs?
Is it truly so wrong of me to say that I think pets are better than children? I'm not saying that's how is HAS to be for EVERYONE... I'm merely stating that for ME, I would rather vacuum pet hair up every day than actually to have to deal with a child that quite frankly would just break all my nice stuff and grow up to blame me for everything! I've SEEN "Intervention"!
Should I feel ashamed to say that I believe pastors of super-churches who live in homes few members of their congregation could afford... or drive cars that few people could afford are frauds and will have to answer to God when asked "Could you have spent less on your lifestyle and maybe given a bit more to help others?"
Will I honestly be Chastised if I stand at the "Speedy Checkout" at Wal-mart and make sure people actually have 20 items or less? And if they have more, maybe just start picking random items out of their cart and throwing them on the ground? Maybe just repeating "Gotta be 20 items or less, ma'am!"
I guess what it all boils down to is..... I am apparently in the metamorphosis stage.
I started as a young man, filled with hopes and dreams.... wrapped myself in a cocoon of reality and came out as a budding old codger with wings to fly but nowhere worth landing!
So instead of taking flight, I sit at my desk and write about all the piddly things in this world that just aren't up to par!
Then, I remember.... We truly are all in control of our own destiny.
We are only held captive by the decisions of others when we as strong willed individuals refuse to speak up! Make some noise!
I mean... If I failed to bring these issues to light, my nephew and niece would grow up in a world where people are "fusstrated with their cur-uhns"
I have crossed a major milestone in my life!
I have waded across the river crotchety and come out the other side soaking wet!
It happened so quietly! One day I was smiling as I passed over the Fox News Channel... the next, I was ready to call those bastards and give them a piece of my mind!
But seriously folks.... I'm not sure if it's my age, my poor diet and sleeping habits... or if I've finally realized that just ignoring stupid people will NOT make them go away.
let me start by saying that I didn't just slowly wade into crocthetyism.... I ran in splashing! It's a messy process that seems to splatter my disdain equally across a number of topics!
Like... What happened to the "R" in "frustrated?"
Seriously... I have recently noticed a decline in the proper pronunciation of this word! Was there a meeting that I missed where pop culture announced that henceforth we will all be "fusstrated" at traffic?
Was this mentioned on a chain e-mail that I deleted without reading, thereby guaranteeing myself bad luck and preventing something "amazing" from happening for me and the 12 people I sent it to?
Apparently, that same e-mail must have also referenced the "T" in words such as "curtain".
You see, I have recently adopted a new guilty pleasure known as "Let's make a deal".
I believe most of us know the premise of this show... you get a gift, you can trade it for a box or a curtain.... and like life... sometimes it's a good trade, sometimes it's a giant pile of potato peelings.
While watching this GEM of American Heritage... I have seen, or rather heard, several people say they would like the (and I must spell it phonetically) "CUR uhn".
Is this some sort of a trend? Did someone do this once and others told them "that's so cute"? Because, I assure you... it is not. It's quite upseh-un actually.
Yes, I hear you as you are reading this...."what's his deal? Why is he worried about this and not the war in Afghanistan?" To you I say, "Of COURSE those topics matter to me... but if you're going to belittle me, get your own damned blog".... Respectfully, of course.
My point is, and I actually do have one, that we have become a society that is so afraid of offending someone else that we don't speak up when they sound stupid!
Like tonight... I saw a group of women, I assume they were all members of the "Betty Baptist's Prayer Hair Care" group.
They were on the news talking about camping out all night at Sam's Wholesale in Fayetteville, Arkansas to be the first people in line to see Sarah Palin.
Apparently, they were afraid that since they all looked alike... that Her Highness, Sarah Palin, might assume she'd already SIGNED their book and "go rogue" refusing to validate their reasons for living and refuse to sign their book.
See, THESE ladies were proud to say they were there for Palin because she "represented Christian family values". By the way, I'm gathering that the way you do that these days is to write some sort of tell all book and then leave your kids at home while you tour the country selling your wares to every housewife who feels empowered by seeing you tote a gun.... I"M GUESSING... Not saying that's fact.
But my issue is that THESE ladies stood up and were willing to say whatever they felt... becuase it is a popularly accepted statement! I mean, who ISN'T for family values? Yes, certainly that is a topic that is up for interpretation. But none the less, we all hold true to some form of values.
So why shouldn't WE stand up for our beliefs?
Is it truly so wrong of me to say that I think pets are better than children? I'm not saying that's how is HAS to be for EVERYONE... I'm merely stating that for ME, I would rather vacuum pet hair up every day than actually to have to deal with a child that quite frankly would just break all my nice stuff and grow up to blame me for everything! I've SEEN "Intervention"!
Should I feel ashamed to say that I believe pastors of super-churches who live in homes few members of their congregation could afford... or drive cars that few people could afford are frauds and will have to answer to God when asked "Could you have spent less on your lifestyle and maybe given a bit more to help others?"
Will I honestly be Chastised if I stand at the "Speedy Checkout" at Wal-mart and make sure people actually have 20 items or less? And if they have more, maybe just start picking random items out of their cart and throwing them on the ground? Maybe just repeating "Gotta be 20 items or less, ma'am!"
I guess what it all boils down to is..... I am apparently in the metamorphosis stage.
I started as a young man, filled with hopes and dreams.... wrapped myself in a cocoon of reality and came out as a budding old codger with wings to fly but nowhere worth landing!
So instead of taking flight, I sit at my desk and write about all the piddly things in this world that just aren't up to par!
Then, I remember.... We truly are all in control of our own destiny.
We are only held captive by the decisions of others when we as strong willed individuals refuse to speak up! Make some noise!
I mean... If I failed to bring these issues to light, my nephew and niece would grow up in a world where people are "fusstrated with their cur-uhns"
Monday, November 23, 2009
Really? REALLY!?!?!
This evening, the music loving world fell victim to an attack!
An Audio/Visual act of terrorism!
Seriously Adam Lambert.... Millions of us sat through your weekly abominations and fully expected you to win American Idol... Not because you're the best.... but because the producers thought you were marketable...
Lets examine that using tonight's debacle as a test subject.
I know the AI producers thought you would appeal to young girls and women 18-49.... but was it THEIR heads you were rubbing in your crotch as you "GRINDED" across the stage?
That poor, poor back up dancer! Bless his heart! At least it looked like he was wearing a mask of some sort to protect him from the horror that is Adam Lambert's Hoo Hah!
I understand that in SOME parts of the country, that whole fiasco was "blacked out"... obviously because the AI producers KNEW that type of activity would be damaging to your tough guy ima ha ha ha ha sorry... I just couldn't say it!
But in Arkansas... all that was blocked was the Audio part... so while we were spared the "mothra like" screams emanating from your mouth, Adam... We still saw you sexually assault that poor boy on TV. That is an image that cannot be unseen, God help me.
I read on the Rolling Stone page that Adam was going for an "in your face, push your buttons" kind of performance.... well... as we saw... he was in SOMEONES face!
Ya know... here's my beef with Adam Lambert and his ilk.
At a pivotal moment for equal rights for all people, he has deemed himself... well... the "queen" of the movement.
The problem is, He's nasty.... He is presenting himself as a representative of the "gay community" and when people start talking about whether gays should have equal rights... they're going to remember tonight's performance.
I figure it will go something like this.
Brenda: Betty, I read in the paper that them gays is trying to get special rights!
Betty: I seen that too... You know they're just doing that so they can recruit! I seen the whole thing on Fox News!
Brenda: You know, I ain't never thought about how them boys is... and what they do... but just the other night I flipped over to watch the NEWS.... At first I was excited because I thought I seen Liza Minnelli on there and the way she was moving I thought Praise Jesus, her hip's better... Then, my little granddaughter told me that was a BOY!
Betty:Lands sakes
Brenda: Luckily I was able to find his name on the church boycott site... I think his name's Adam something....
Betty: Oh I know who you're talking about... Adam.... but there ain't no EVE!
Brenda: OHHH Ho ho ho ho ho Betty, you're TERRIBLE! Ohhh Ho Ho ho ("rich" lady laugh)
Betty: All I know is I heard he was practically fornicating on that TV program... That's how they are, Brenda... Hollywood is FULL of 'em
(and Scene)
My whole belief is that everyone has the right to be who they are... but I also believe that right comes with a teensy bit of responsibility!
Does is hurt any of us to observe a general standard of decency and decorum? Do any of us really NEED to know what someone does in the privacy of their own home? (you know aside from murderers and pervs... I mean... we kind of DO need to keep an eye on those people)
It's just like when you see some crazy white supremacist freak from Arkansas making national news... and then you get calls from friends from all across the country asking "Did you know him"
Gee... ummm... is THAT what you think of me? One white guy from Arkansas speaks out on the national stage and now that's how we ALL are?
Sometimes... personally... I feel it's good to live your life like the whole world's looking! Whether we like it or not, we are ALL representatives for our race, sex, beliefs, orientation... etc.
Our individual actions today WILL have an affect on those who follow us!
An Audio/Visual act of terrorism!
Seriously Adam Lambert.... Millions of us sat through your weekly abominations and fully expected you to win American Idol... Not because you're the best.... but because the producers thought you were marketable...
Lets examine that using tonight's debacle as a test subject.
I know the AI producers thought you would appeal to young girls and women 18-49.... but was it THEIR heads you were rubbing in your crotch as you "GRINDED" across the stage?
That poor, poor back up dancer! Bless his heart! At least it looked like he was wearing a mask of some sort to protect him from the horror that is Adam Lambert's Hoo Hah!
I understand that in SOME parts of the country, that whole fiasco was "blacked out"... obviously because the AI producers KNEW that type of activity would be damaging to your tough guy ima ha ha ha ha sorry... I just couldn't say it!
But in Arkansas... all that was blocked was the Audio part... so while we were spared the "mothra like" screams emanating from your mouth, Adam... We still saw you sexually assault that poor boy on TV. That is an image that cannot be unseen, God help me.
I read on the Rolling Stone page that Adam was going for an "in your face, push your buttons" kind of performance.... well... as we saw... he was in SOMEONES face!
Ya know... here's my beef with Adam Lambert and his ilk.
At a pivotal moment for equal rights for all people, he has deemed himself... well... the "queen" of the movement.
The problem is, He's nasty.... He is presenting himself as a representative of the "gay community" and when people start talking about whether gays should have equal rights... they're going to remember tonight's performance.
I figure it will go something like this.
Brenda: Betty, I read in the paper that them gays is trying to get special rights!
Betty: I seen that too... You know they're just doing that so they can recruit! I seen the whole thing on Fox News!
Brenda: You know, I ain't never thought about how them boys is... and what they do... but just the other night I flipped over to watch the NEWS.... At first I was excited because I thought I seen Liza Minnelli on there and the way she was moving I thought Praise Jesus, her hip's better... Then, my little granddaughter told me that was a BOY!
Betty:Lands sakes
Brenda: Luckily I was able to find his name on the church boycott site... I think his name's Adam something....
Betty: Oh I know who you're talking about... Adam.... but there ain't no EVE!
Brenda: OHHH Ho ho ho ho ho Betty, you're TERRIBLE! Ohhh Ho Ho ho ("rich" lady laugh)
Betty: All I know is I heard he was practically fornicating on that TV program... That's how they are, Brenda... Hollywood is FULL of 'em
(and Scene)
My whole belief is that everyone has the right to be who they are... but I also believe that right comes with a teensy bit of responsibility!
Does is hurt any of us to observe a general standard of decency and decorum? Do any of us really NEED to know what someone does in the privacy of their own home? (you know aside from murderers and pervs... I mean... we kind of DO need to keep an eye on those people)
It's just like when you see some crazy white supremacist freak from Arkansas making national news... and then you get calls from friends from all across the country asking "Did you know him"
Gee... ummm... is THAT what you think of me? One white guy from Arkansas speaks out on the national stage and now that's how we ALL are?
Sometimes... personally... I feel it's good to live your life like the whole world's looking! Whether we like it or not, we are ALL representatives for our race, sex, beliefs, orientation... etc.
Our individual actions today WILL have an affect on those who follow us!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I think "time out" needs it's ass busted!
Over the past few weeks, it seems the world has lost it's damn mind!
Shootings at military bases and high rises... People hiding a 7 month old child IN A BOX under a bed for 12 hours to keep police from finding it... and just this morning I read a story about an 18 year old who beat a 64 year old NUN to death after robbing her!
I've given this a lot of thought and I think it's time to re-evaluate.
Sometime in the 70's or 80's ... Some child psychologist who was apparently coming off a reefer binge decided that punishing kids the "old fashioned" way was damaging to the growth of their individual personalities...
So they suggested... and we all apparently agreed.... that "time out" was the way to go.
OK... let's just think about this and put it into context...
If a child gets in trouble... they're told to go sit quietly alone in a corner and think about what they did! Am I the only person who thinks that sounds just a TEENSY bit like an ingredient in the "recipe of a serial killer"?
I mean... all the kid is thinking about it where they went wrong? What they could do DIFFERENTLY next time to avoid getting caught!
And even if that's not what the burgeoning psychopaths are thinking... Can we all agree that this type of psychological punishment... the "removing" of the child from all activities while the family happily continues their day... is perhaps less effective and more damaging than a quick swat?!?!
All I know is when I was a kid... I knew that if I did something "bad"... I was going to get my ass busted!
Or even worse... My Nanny used to make us go pick a switch off the tree!!!! Of COURSE I always picked a small, brittle one... but before it was used to exact my punishment... Nanny would put it through a battery of tests... and if it didn't pass... she went and got the grand daddy of ALL switches!
Yes, I lived in constant fear... but you know what? I actually LEARNED that my actions had an expected (and painful) REaction!
I'm not sure how well it worked... but I've not gone on a massive shooting rampage... or killed any nuns! (knock on wood)
Aside from that... I think it's AMAZING how we all seem shocked when certain kids do terrible things!
While bible based lawmakers fight to "preserve the family" in the eyes of the law... they're doing NOTHING To preserve it in real life!
And while "Child Protective Services" is raking in state and federal funding... they're failing the children in their care on some of the most BASIC services!
I have a friend whose child is "in the system"
This child has been in one of the shelter's for "troubled kids"... where the child was attacked by another kid staying there... and was even taunted to "walk on out the front door" by the alleged caretakers!
When the child was taken to the hospital after the attack... the parents were notified "you need to go to the hospital to get your kid"
After that, the child was placed in a mental health facility for kids... and was once again was hit by a couple other kids!
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
This kids was placed in the system because the child got in trouble repeatedly for being disrespectful... But you know what? The kid was never INJURED while in the parent's care!?!?!?
The whole system is so incredibly flawed that I'm not sure HOW it can be fixed!?!?!
But rather than actually take a look at this state run system... our lawmakers... the ones charged with representing ALL of us... are fighting to tax cigarettes more... arguing against the lottery... and preventing "unmarried couples" from adopting or serving as foster parents!
Granted... I personally don't want children... But if I did, I certainly wouldn't think it should be up to a group of haggardly fat old lawmakers with wives who wear WAY too much makeup and children they never see to tell ME that I'M not fit!
And on that note, when Arkansas passed the law preventing unmarried people from serving as foster parents... did it also include legislation REQUIRING married people to step in and foster kids? No... it did not...
So in ONE great swipe, the "Billy and Betty Baptists" and the "Ed and Evangeline Evangelicals" LEGISLATED their OWN moral religious beliefs... while thousands of kids were prevented from having a safe foster home, rather than a crowded poorly run state facility!
I ask you... in THAT situation... What WOULD Jesus do?
Shootings at military bases and high rises... People hiding a 7 month old child IN A BOX under a bed for 12 hours to keep police from finding it... and just this morning I read a story about an 18 year old who beat a 64 year old NUN to death after robbing her!
I've given this a lot of thought and I think it's time to re-evaluate.
Sometime in the 70's or 80's ... Some child psychologist who was apparently coming off a reefer binge decided that punishing kids the "old fashioned" way was damaging to the growth of their individual personalities...
So they suggested... and we all apparently agreed.... that "time out" was the way to go.
OK... let's just think about this and put it into context...
If a child gets in trouble... they're told to go sit quietly alone in a corner and think about what they did! Am I the only person who thinks that sounds just a TEENSY bit like an ingredient in the "recipe of a serial killer"?
I mean... all the kid is thinking about it where they went wrong? What they could do DIFFERENTLY next time to avoid getting caught!
And even if that's not what the burgeoning psychopaths are thinking... Can we all agree that this type of psychological punishment... the "removing" of the child from all activities while the family happily continues their day... is perhaps less effective and more damaging than a quick swat?!?!
All I know is when I was a kid... I knew that if I did something "bad"... I was going to get my ass busted!
Or even worse... My Nanny used to make us go pick a switch off the tree!!!! Of COURSE I always picked a small, brittle one... but before it was used to exact my punishment... Nanny would put it through a battery of tests... and if it didn't pass... she went and got the grand daddy of ALL switches!
Yes, I lived in constant fear... but you know what? I actually LEARNED that my actions had an expected (and painful) REaction!
I'm not sure how well it worked... but I've not gone on a massive shooting rampage... or killed any nuns! (knock on wood)
Aside from that... I think it's AMAZING how we all seem shocked when certain kids do terrible things!
While bible based lawmakers fight to "preserve the family" in the eyes of the law... they're doing NOTHING To preserve it in real life!
And while "Child Protective Services" is raking in state and federal funding... they're failing the children in their care on some of the most BASIC services!
I have a friend whose child is "in the system"
This child has been in one of the shelter's for "troubled kids"... where the child was attacked by another kid staying there... and was even taunted to "walk on out the front door" by the alleged caretakers!
When the child was taken to the hospital after the attack... the parents were notified "you need to go to the hospital to get your kid"
After that, the child was placed in a mental health facility for kids... and was once again was hit by a couple other kids!
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
This kids was placed in the system because the child got in trouble repeatedly for being disrespectful... But you know what? The kid was never INJURED while in the parent's care!?!?!?
The whole system is so incredibly flawed that I'm not sure HOW it can be fixed!?!?!
But rather than actually take a look at this state run system... our lawmakers... the ones charged with representing ALL of us... are fighting to tax cigarettes more... arguing against the lottery... and preventing "unmarried couples" from adopting or serving as foster parents!
Granted... I personally don't want children... But if I did, I certainly wouldn't think it should be up to a group of haggardly fat old lawmakers with wives who wear WAY too much makeup and children they never see to tell ME that I'M not fit!
And on that note, when Arkansas passed the law preventing unmarried people from serving as foster parents... did it also include legislation REQUIRING married people to step in and foster kids? No... it did not...
So in ONE great swipe, the "Billy and Betty Baptists" and the "Ed and Evangeline Evangelicals" LEGISLATED their OWN moral religious beliefs... while thousands of kids were prevented from having a safe foster home, rather than a crowded poorly run state facility!
I ask you... in THAT situation... What WOULD Jesus do?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Wow... what a good nap!
Yeah, ok... so I was out of the blogging loop for a while.
I unhooked my computer... and really got used to using my iPod/iPhone for pretty much everything... but I was NOT about to type out one of my crazy blogs on those things! The "Spell Complete" alone would have driven me crazy!
Sometimes... I'm typing an actual word that I KNOW exists... and it pops in with another suggestion!?!?!? I'm like "seriously? is this a SMART PHONE??? If it's so smart, how come it doesn't understand 'Ha Ha'???? I mean WHY would it think I was trying to say Hat Hat?"
And have you noticed how sometimes you'll type "Hell" and it automatically changes it to "He'll"? What the he'll is up with that?
Anyway... where to begin.
Previously on "inside the mind of Anthony"... I'm sure I was on some tirade about American Idol... the cost of gas and Wal-Mart... Yeah.. that's pretty much me in a nutshell.
I WILL tell you a quick little story that taught me a lesson about ALWAYS being nice to people... no matter how difficult...
OK... so a couple weeks ago, Glen and I went to K-Mart to check out their "going out of business sale". (Which, by the way, is a TOTAL joke! I mean... if THOSE prices are 40%-50% off... I think I know why they're going out of business)
Anyway... It was the day before our big garage sale... I and I was hoping to snag one of those clothes racks.
So we go into the store... and all the racks are lined along the back wall... none of them are priced.
I found the ONE lady who looked like she worked there... and by that I mean she was a skinny "leathery tanned" woman with smoker's hack and an apparent eating disorder.
So I asked her "are the clothes racks for sale?"
She said "Yes"
"How much are they" I asked.
She proceeded to walk over to the service desk to pick up a notebook and then told me "We don't know how much they are yet... anyone who wants one can leave their information and we'll call them"
EXCUSE ME? Isn't this store going out of business? Haven't all the ads said "Everything must go?" I mean... the way they're promoting this sale I half expected to be able to walk in and say "Yes, I want this 10 foot section of the floor... 4 of those ceiling tiles.... OOOOHH How much for the fish eye security mirror?"
But NO! They're running up the cost of the fixtures, based on how many people WANT them!
So I will admit... I totally got snotty with her and said something like "I have money right now, right here... if you all were SERIOUS about selling them then I'd load one up right now... but with THAT procedure.... y'all can just work around them until you lock the doors for the last time!"
I huffed off and found Glen and said "Let's Go!", Confident in the fact I had truly just told them off and I was in the right!
We left K-mart and went to Target... a Furniture Store... we pretty much ran all over creation.
then.... when we got home... I went into the bathroom to wash my hands.... I looked at myself in the mirror... Why can I read the print on my shirt so well in the mirror?
That's right.... I had made an ASS of myself wearing my shirt WRONG SIDE OUT!!!!
I can only take solace in the fact that MAYBE those people noticed my shirt... and just thought I was crazy.
note to self... if you're hopping on a high horse... give a quick look in the mirror!
I unhooked my computer... and really got used to using my iPod/iPhone for pretty much everything... but I was NOT about to type out one of my crazy blogs on those things! The "Spell Complete" alone would have driven me crazy!
Sometimes... I'm typing an actual word that I KNOW exists... and it pops in with another suggestion!?!?!? I'm like "seriously? is this a SMART PHONE??? If it's so smart, how come it doesn't understand 'Ha Ha'???? I mean WHY would it think I was trying to say Hat Hat?"
And have you noticed how sometimes you'll type "Hell" and it automatically changes it to "He'll"? What the he'll is up with that?
Anyway... where to begin.
Previously on "inside the mind of Anthony"... I'm sure I was on some tirade about American Idol... the cost of gas and Wal-Mart... Yeah.. that's pretty much me in a nutshell.
I WILL tell you a quick little story that taught me a lesson about ALWAYS being nice to people... no matter how difficult...
OK... so a couple weeks ago, Glen and I went to K-Mart to check out their "going out of business sale". (Which, by the way, is a TOTAL joke! I mean... if THOSE prices are 40%-50% off... I think I know why they're going out of business)
Anyway... It was the day before our big garage sale... I and I was hoping to snag one of those clothes racks.
So we go into the store... and all the racks are lined along the back wall... none of them are priced.
I found the ONE lady who looked like she worked there... and by that I mean she was a skinny "leathery tanned" woman with smoker's hack and an apparent eating disorder.
So I asked her "are the clothes racks for sale?"
She said "Yes"
"How much are they" I asked.
She proceeded to walk over to the service desk to pick up a notebook and then told me "We don't know how much they are yet... anyone who wants one can leave their information and we'll call them"
EXCUSE ME? Isn't this store going out of business? Haven't all the ads said "Everything must go?" I mean... the way they're promoting this sale I half expected to be able to walk in and say "Yes, I want this 10 foot section of the floor... 4 of those ceiling tiles.... OOOOHH How much for the fish eye security mirror?"
But NO! They're running up the cost of the fixtures, based on how many people WANT them!
So I will admit... I totally got snotty with her and said something like "I have money right now, right here... if you all were SERIOUS about selling them then I'd load one up right now... but with THAT procedure.... y'all can just work around them until you lock the doors for the last time!"
I huffed off and found Glen and said "Let's Go!", Confident in the fact I had truly just told them off and I was in the right!
We left K-mart and went to Target... a Furniture Store... we pretty much ran all over creation.
then.... when we got home... I went into the bathroom to wash my hands.... I looked at myself in the mirror... Why can I read the print on my shirt so well in the mirror?
That's right.... I had made an ASS of myself wearing my shirt WRONG SIDE OUT!!!!
I can only take solace in the fact that MAYBE those people noticed my shirt... and just thought I was crazy.
note to self... if you're hopping on a high horse... give a quick look in the mirror!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
The smell of change?
As the world ponders such issues from Health care reform... to fears over a possible H1N1 outbreak... one issue has fallen by the wayside!
I am here to shine a blazing light on a growing problem that I feel all to many people are ignoring! And by IGNORING it... it's only going to get worse!
That problem, of course, is''' What ever happened to soap that actually smells like soap?"
Seriously! I think this whole modernization of the hand soap industry has gone too far!
The other day, I was washing my hands in the bathroom and caught a whiff of a sweet, sugary, vanilla smell.
That's just wrong!
I understand that some people LOVE that scent... but it is NOT a scent I want to smell in the bathroom!
Something about mixing food smells with... well... OTHER smells in that room is just gross!
While THAT is the top example of this growing issue... I have to say it's not the only issue.
I mean... even OTHER scents are inappropriate for various reasons...
I mean... I personally don't want my hands to smell like I just picked a bushel of blackberries! As if there's some blue floral bonnet filled with berries that I picked with the Ingalls girls while "pa" caught dinner in the "crick".
Besides... for those people who LOVE food scented soaps... what is the first thing you do when you wash your hands? You hold them up to your nose... inhale deeply... and say "mmmmmmm I just LOVE that smell!".... the problem with that? You just put your clean hands up to your dirty nose which clearly you did not wash!!!!
What is the FIRST rule Doctors say about preventing Flu and sickness? DON'T be touching your face!
Maybe I'm way off in left field here... but I choose to prevent the spread of germs ANY way possible!
That is why I NEVER eat birthday cake unless I can easily peel off the protective coating of icing!
PLEASE people?!?!? I don't care who you are or how cute your child is... I am NOT eating something that you... or your child just blew across!!!! I may as well just lick your nose!
I am here to shine a blazing light on a growing problem that I feel all to many people are ignoring! And by IGNORING it... it's only going to get worse!
That problem, of course, is''' What ever happened to soap that actually smells like soap?"
Seriously! I think this whole modernization of the hand soap industry has gone too far!
The other day, I was washing my hands in the bathroom and caught a whiff of a sweet, sugary, vanilla smell.
That's just wrong!
I understand that some people LOVE that scent... but it is NOT a scent I want to smell in the bathroom!
Something about mixing food smells with... well... OTHER smells in that room is just gross!
While THAT is the top example of this growing issue... I have to say it's not the only issue.
I mean... even OTHER scents are inappropriate for various reasons...
I mean... I personally don't want my hands to smell like I just picked a bushel of blackberries! As if there's some blue floral bonnet filled with berries that I picked with the Ingalls girls while "pa" caught dinner in the "crick".
Besides... for those people who LOVE food scented soaps... what is the first thing you do when you wash your hands? You hold them up to your nose... inhale deeply... and say "mmmmmmm I just LOVE that smell!".... the problem with that? You just put your clean hands up to your dirty nose which clearly you did not wash!!!!
What is the FIRST rule Doctors say about preventing Flu and sickness? DON'T be touching your face!
Maybe I'm way off in left field here... but I choose to prevent the spread of germs ANY way possible!
That is why I NEVER eat birthday cake unless I can easily peel off the protective coating of icing!
PLEASE people?!?!? I don't care who you are or how cute your child is... I am NOT eating something that you... or your child just blew across!!!! I may as well just lick your nose!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Critter Wars!
When I moved to my home in Van Buren, Arkansas... I encountered a bug that I had never seen before.
I've since found out these scary little bugs are known as "House Centipedes".
This first time I ever saw one, I had just moved in and was sitting on the newly carpeted floor, watching TV.
As you might have guessed from all those legs... these little boogers can HAUL! By the time you've seen something out of the corner of your eye.... They are ON you!
Now, I am not really afraid of spiders or most bugs... My only REAL "bug fear" is the Scorpion!
My brother Charles used his knowledge of this fear to scare me mercilessly.... Sometimes meticulously cutting a scorpion image out of a magazine and placing it along my base board... or on my bed... He even bought me one of those Oklahoma Paper weights that has a scorpion inside it... yeah, it was greeeeeaaaaaaaat.
So with my prior knowledge of the way scorpions look when they quickly trek across your carpet... I nearly went into a fear induced seizure when a house centipede darted across the floor and onto me!
Most people who know me, know that I really hate to kill anything... I will usually catch the critter and set it free outside. That's not a Buddhist belief... I think it'd more for all the times My cousin Sandy and I would catch things... and our uncle Billy would begin telling us about that creatures family... how they would be wondering what happened to it... maybe even holding search parties or hanging tiny little signs. Needless to say, the Scorpion in my one exception.
One night I killed one of these bugs as they darted across the floor... really just so I could make sure it WASN'T a scorpion... if it HAD been... I was ready to pack up and move again!
When I lifted the shoe I used to kill this thing... I was confused. I mean... what WAS this thing? It looked like false eye-lashes had fallen to the floor and took off running really really fast.
Then, I started worrying that I might have killed some endangered bug... I mean... If I, being a person of country/hill people heritage had never seen one... it MUST be rare!
After a long talk with a friend at the Extension Office and countless hours of web searches... the bug was identified.
Turns out, these creepy little bugs are actually GOOD to have around. They eat spiders and other bugs.
I've since tried to just let them be... it's kind of hard... because some of these things have been more than 3 inches long !
We've sprayed many times... but it doesn't seem to have a huge affect on them.
I'm cool with them, for the most part, but there is nothing that will shake you awake like seeing the light from the alarm clock cascading off a bug darting up your wall!
ewwwwwwwwwwww! Heeeeebie Jeeeeeebies!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Motivation: An experiement in ... ah... whatever
So Here it is AUGUST already and I have NO motivation to complete all my goals for 2009!
What's the deal with that?
I mean, this is the first year in nearly 20 years that I've had a schedule that would permit me time to work on my personal goals... and yet... nothing.
I KNOW what it is... It's that stupid TV and all the glorious shows to which I am now addicted!
Let me give you a rundown of my favorite shows... and a brief synopsis of why these shows are television gold!
Of all the reality shows ever created... Big Brother is the only one I would ever want to go on! And let me tell you why.
Winning that game is TOTALLY about listening and learning... and convincing other people that YOUR goals are actually THEIRS.... I could... and totally have had to do that!
look people... I worked to TV stations for 18 years of my life! The ONLY way to survive that long in that field is to play mental chess!
Don't get me wrong... most of the people I worked with were amazing, truly genuine people... but I can say without reservation that at every station I worked, there were people in power who certainly never should have been. But... I, as well as others, smiled... complemented them on their great ideas... maybe even told them they looked like they lost weight... all the while, sneaking our own ideas into the system... and convincing management that it was THEIR idea...
I'm serious people... I could TOTALLY win that show!
Another show I think is great is "The Colony".
The premise for this show is that there's a group of people who have survived some sort of apocolypse and now they're trying to recreate certain parts of civilization.
What I LOVE about this show is that there's a realistic element that none of the other survivor shows have... People can attack you and steal your stuff!
I mean THINK about it... that's totally what would happen in real life... Heck.. it's what DOES happen...
Not that this is any comparison, but I live in a pretty nice neighborhood... presumably safe. Yet every year, kids steal things out of my yard! Whether it's a pumpkin at Halloween or a yard decoration... it's still stolen.
I'd like to invent a new show about protecting your home... maybe featuring new inventions... something like "motion sensing tasers" that you could hide in your shrubs? Of course that would HAVE to come with a camera... I mean... there is no better joy than seeing a thief get tazed while trying to steal something... it only makes it that much better if it's a mean little kid. >:-)
Rounding up my weekly viewing is Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss...
I actually think I Like Cake Boss better than Ace of Cakes. I mean, that guys cakes look more edible than Duff's on Ace of Cakes.
Duff's people make some amazing "cakes" but only a small part is actually edible. pretty much every part of the cake on "Cake Boss" is edible... AND they make other cakes that actually look like... well... cakes... and they look sooooooo goood.
You know... looking at my viewing habits... I'm starting to see why I've become a chubby hermit! <:-0
What's the deal with that?
I mean, this is the first year in nearly 20 years that I've had a schedule that would permit me time to work on my personal goals... and yet... nothing.
I KNOW what it is... It's that stupid TV and all the glorious shows to which I am now addicted!
Let me give you a rundown of my favorite shows... and a brief synopsis of why these shows are television gold!
Of all the reality shows ever created... Big Brother is the only one I would ever want to go on! And let me tell you why.
Winning that game is TOTALLY about listening and learning... and convincing other people that YOUR goals are actually THEIRS.... I could... and totally have had to do that!
look people... I worked to TV stations for 18 years of my life! The ONLY way to survive that long in that field is to play mental chess!
Don't get me wrong... most of the people I worked with were amazing, truly genuine people... but I can say without reservation that at every station I worked, there were people in power who certainly never should have been. But... I, as well as others, smiled... complemented them on their great ideas... maybe even told them they looked like they lost weight... all the while, sneaking our own ideas into the system... and convincing management that it was THEIR idea...
I'm serious people... I could TOTALLY win that show!
Another show I think is great is "The Colony".
The premise for this show is that there's a group of people who have survived some sort of apocolypse and now they're trying to recreate certain parts of civilization.
What I LOVE about this show is that there's a realistic element that none of the other survivor shows have... People can attack you and steal your stuff!
I mean THINK about it... that's totally what would happen in real life... Heck.. it's what DOES happen...
Not that this is any comparison, but I live in a pretty nice neighborhood... presumably safe. Yet every year, kids steal things out of my yard! Whether it's a pumpkin at Halloween or a yard decoration... it's still stolen.
I'd like to invent a new show about protecting your home... maybe featuring new inventions... something like "motion sensing tasers" that you could hide in your shrubs? Of course that would HAVE to come with a camera... I mean... there is no better joy than seeing a thief get tazed while trying to steal something... it only makes it that much better if it's a mean little kid. >:-)
Rounding up my weekly viewing is Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss...
I actually think I Like Cake Boss better than Ace of Cakes. I mean, that guys cakes look more edible than Duff's on Ace of Cakes.
Duff's people make some amazing "cakes" but only a small part is actually edible. pretty much every part of the cake on "Cake Boss" is edible... AND they make other cakes that actually look like... well... cakes... and they look sooooooo goood.
You know... looking at my viewing habits... I'm starting to see why I've become a chubby hermit! <:-0
Sunday, August 9, 2009
What did I EAT ?
I may have had the STRANGEST dream I've ever had last night.
Most people who know me know that I can usually pinpoint certain elements of a dream and can tell why I dreamed about it... but this one really left me scratching my head... so if there are any dream interpreters out there... Here ya go!
OK... so the the dream started with me back at UCA in Conway. There was a competition where you were given a big plastic sword and a list of people you had to tag. If you tagged everyone on your list, your name went into a drawing for $10,000.
My list was random and somehow included my parents.. As soon as I got my list and saw them on it... I went to the dining center (where they were sipping coffee) Tagged them and moved on.
The next two people on my list were so random that it was just odd! I mean, I KNOW them... but I haven't seen either of them in years... unless you count a few e-mails on Facebook.
I was supposed to tag Greg Robinson and Leahe Shultis.
In my dream, they were both in line at the dining center at UCA. I think it must have been around Halloween because everyone was dressed in costume... Greg and Leahe were dressed as Pilgrims. (wait it get's stranger)
So I quickly tag Greg... but I had to hide until Leahe walked by and I quickly tagged her! She turned around and said... "Oh, Heyyy.... Sorry... I'm just not feeling well". I remember telling her she looked really good and she could probably wear the skirt part of her costume with other things. (?) .....
Right then, she said "I need to sit down"... We sat on a couch that was right there next to the line... and then I called for paramedics to come check her out!
After doing some quick on-site testing... they said... "well, she has H1N1". I was like "GREAT!... I was just sitting with her!"...
Leahe was just sitting there trying to get over her swine flu when I said "I need to go get a drink".... But I DIDN'T go get a drink... I went to see my friend Devonna who was one of my roommates in college.
I didn't talk to her all that long before she was telling me about the new roommates and how one of them knew me.
This part of the dream gets a little fuzzy... I met the guy and he was a 1997 Southside Graduate... somehow, I DID know him in my dream... but I don't really in real life.
NEXT thing I know... I'm working on Glen's and My pool... but it wasn't the 21 foot round pool that we have... it was a GINORMOUS covered WAVE pool! It was COVERED in seaweed so we hired some French or Russian guy to help us clean it. We were all IN the absolutely HUGE pool working in tandem to fold the seaweed up... much like a tarp!
We all got out and glen was pointing over to the side where there were some leaves and he was telling me "You have to get those leaves!"
As I walked closer... I realized it wasn't leaves... it was a baby SEAL! By this time, Glen was beside me and I told him "That's not leaves... it's a baby SEAL" and he was looking everywhere except where I pointed saying "where? I don't see it"... the seal climbed out of the pool right next to me and I told Glen "RIGHT HERE!!!"... he was like "oh... I see"... like it was no big deal! I mean come on... it's a fricking SEAL!
I picked up the seal and carried him to the refrigerator that was beside the pool... opened it up and saw some tiny watermelon slices that I thought he might eat.... I gave them to him and he ate them... but then scrunched up his face and sneezed so I thought maybe he shouldn't eat any more of that... PLUS... when I looked at the watermelon treat in my hand... I realized it was wrapped in purple onion slices. (seriously... what is this all about????)
In my dream... I knew that seals couldn't eat purple onions... so I took him to my sister's house to look up what seals could eat. Of course, my sister was all "OHHHHHHHH! IT'S A BABY SEALLLLLLL!!! HE'S SO CUUUUUUTE"...
I don't know if this matters... but in my dream, that's when I determined that the seal had actually escaped from the fair... OH!!! and he was a GREY seal when I found him... and a WHITE seal with grey patches when the dream ended..
OK... So WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT ALL MEAN?
I mean... I NEVER remember my dreams in THAT much detail...
This dream is either trying to tell me some hidden truth... or trying to tell me not to eat so close to bedtime. It MAY just be reminding me that I am one crazy mo fo.
Most people who know me know that I can usually pinpoint certain elements of a dream and can tell why I dreamed about it... but this one really left me scratching my head... so if there are any dream interpreters out there... Here ya go!
OK... so the the dream started with me back at UCA in Conway. There was a competition where you were given a big plastic sword and a list of people you had to tag. If you tagged everyone on your list, your name went into a drawing for $10,000.
My list was random and somehow included my parents.. As soon as I got my list and saw them on it... I went to the dining center (where they were sipping coffee) Tagged them and moved on.
The next two people on my list were so random that it was just odd! I mean, I KNOW them... but I haven't seen either of them in years... unless you count a few e-mails on Facebook.
I was supposed to tag Greg Robinson and Leahe Shultis.
In my dream, they were both in line at the dining center at UCA. I think it must have been around Halloween because everyone was dressed in costume... Greg and Leahe were dressed as Pilgrims. (wait it get's stranger)
So I quickly tag Greg... but I had to hide until Leahe walked by and I quickly tagged her! She turned around and said... "Oh, Heyyy.... Sorry... I'm just not feeling well". I remember telling her she looked really good and she could probably wear the skirt part of her costume with other things. (?) .....
Right then, she said "I need to sit down"... We sat on a couch that was right there next to the line... and then I called for paramedics to come check her out!
After doing some quick on-site testing... they said... "well, she has H1N1". I was like "GREAT!... I was just sitting with her!"...
Leahe was just sitting there trying to get over her swine flu when I said "I need to go get a drink".... But I DIDN'T go get a drink... I went to see my friend Devonna who was one of my roommates in college.
I didn't talk to her all that long before she was telling me about the new roommates and how one of them knew me.
This part of the dream gets a little fuzzy... I met the guy and he was a 1997 Southside Graduate... somehow, I DID know him in my dream... but I don't really in real life.
NEXT thing I know... I'm working on Glen's and My pool... but it wasn't the 21 foot round pool that we have... it was a GINORMOUS covered WAVE pool! It was COVERED in seaweed so we hired some French or Russian guy to help us clean it. We were all IN the absolutely HUGE pool working in tandem to fold the seaweed up... much like a tarp!
We all got out and glen was pointing over to the side where there were some leaves and he was telling me "You have to get those leaves!"
As I walked closer... I realized it wasn't leaves... it was a baby SEAL! By this time, Glen was beside me and I told him "That's not leaves... it's a baby SEAL" and he was looking everywhere except where I pointed saying "where? I don't see it"... the seal climbed out of the pool right next to me and I told Glen "RIGHT HERE!!!"... he was like "oh... I see"... like it was no big deal! I mean come on... it's a fricking SEAL!
I picked up the seal and carried him to the refrigerator that was beside the pool... opened it up and saw some tiny watermelon slices that I thought he might eat.... I gave them to him and he ate them... but then scrunched up his face and sneezed so I thought maybe he shouldn't eat any more of that... PLUS... when I looked at the watermelon treat in my hand... I realized it was wrapped in purple onion slices. (seriously... what is this all about????)
In my dream... I knew that seals couldn't eat purple onions... so I took him to my sister's house to look up what seals could eat. Of course, my sister was all "OHHHHHHHH! IT'S A BABY SEALLLLLLL!!! HE'S SO CUUUUUUTE"...
I don't know if this matters... but in my dream, that's when I determined that the seal had actually escaped from the fair... OH!!! and he was a GREY seal when I found him... and a WHITE seal with grey patches when the dream ended..
OK... So WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT ALL MEAN?
I mean... I NEVER remember my dreams in THAT much detail...
This dream is either trying to tell me some hidden truth... or trying to tell me not to eat so close to bedtime. It MAY just be reminding me that I am one crazy mo fo.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Things that go MMmmmmrerreerareaaaaaaa in the morning.
Good morning world!
I'm up quite a bit earlier today than usual... not because I'm inspired by the wonder of the morning. Not because I wanted to get a jump on all the day has in store. Not even because *I* wanted to be the early bird who gets the worm. I am up early because I was awakened by the creepiest, borderline evil sound I've heard in a while.
So, last night I fell asleep in the recliner while watching TV. I guess sometime in the night I woke up enough to turn the TV off and turn the surround sound way down. We usually leave the sound ON so our dog Tucker has some sound to distract him from barking at the neighbors.
Anyway... I was hovering on the edge of sleep this morning when I heard the most evil sound!
It sounded kind of like a cross between a tree frog and a panther... but it had tonality to it... like it was part of a song or something! This TERRIBLE sound echoed around me.
This noise was one of those noises that kind of send shock waves through your body! I think it was worse because it was still pretty dark outside when I heard it... and I had left the curtains open!
As I fought the urge to scream, I also had to FORCE myself to look around and OUT the window! I just KNEW there was going to be some sort of glowey eyed creature looking back at me... thankfully there wasn't!
While I was looking around, puffy eyed and red faced (at least on the side I had slept on) the sound screeched AGAIN!
This time, I realized it was something on TV! I never turned it on to see... I just assumed it was something on Tru TV... maybe "Most Shocking: creepiest sounds ever made"... or maybe a new show "The Adventures of the little baby Satan" on Nickelodeon! All I know is that was a HORRIBLE Sound!
I fell asleep on the recliner because I was up late watching trash TV... yes, Springer was on that playlist.
You know, when I see these women on there fighting over a man... I get so mad! I mean, These women have NO self respect... NO self worth... Have they EVER been told they don't need a man? I'm not saying they shouldn't have one if the WANT one... I'm just saying that they shouldn't settle for WORTHLESS men just to fit some expected role in life.
I hate/love seeing them fight, yelling things like "You better stay away from my man!!!", Wouldn't it be more correct for them to just yell at each other "Girl, you better wait your turn!!!! WAIT YOUR TURN!!! What'd I SAY? What'd I SAY? No CUTSIES GIRL, get back in line and wait... yo... turn!" Sorry... I got a little in character there... had to have my dog rip out my weave for inspirtation!
And am I alone in this... but when you see these women fighting like this... you kind of assume the guy MIGHT be at least decent looking.... but he never is, is he? I mean, I can almost EXCUSE some of their bad behavior and fighting if when Jerry Springer said "Here he is!" and some Brad Pitt looking Mother Fella came strolling out!
But, then he'd ruin it... because the guy ALWAYS comes out and says something stupid like "I could never talk to you!!!! You was always at work!!! so while you was gone I was next door talking to Tasha!!! " THAT'S when we find out that the guy and Tasha are both un employed... and the only person on that stage earning an honest wage is Brenda (or whatever her name is). Meanwhile the guy... we'll call him Dick... is making Brenda feel like it's HER fault he's cheating.... like if she wouldn't have put her career at the Kroger in front of HIM... they could still be together! By this time I am usually flipping off the TV. (Not with the remote! >:-s)
For all those former and future guests on talk shows... I have some advice... and I think you can all agree that this is advice that can be applied to all our daily lives. If someone cheats on you, don't cry! Don't show ANY emotion... don't let THEM see you upset... and don't let "they HO" see you upset either! Don't fight for them... don't pine for them... just act like you're happy you're finally free! THEN you will see true human nature! "When YOU don't want yo' baby daddy no more... his HO don't neither!".... and "When you let yo' baby daddy know they's plenty of mens in the crowd at singles night at the Hoochie Hut... suddenly You'll be his number one again (if you want him)"
It all comes down to one simple fact - "we all want what someone ELSE has or wants!"
This rule applies to pretty much anything in life. From Men & Women... to cars... to the office potluck!
Think about it! How many time have you seen people pass over the last brownie or cookie? After a while... when you see no one else wants it... you start thinking "I wonder what's wrong with it? How long has it been just sitting there? I wonder if someones sneezed on it or something".
I mean, how many of us want a man/woman that's just been sitting there and may have been sneezed on? ;-P
I'm up quite a bit earlier today than usual... not because I'm inspired by the wonder of the morning. Not because I wanted to get a jump on all the day has in store. Not even because *I* wanted to be the early bird who gets the worm. I am up early because I was awakened by the creepiest, borderline evil sound I've heard in a while.
So, last night I fell asleep in the recliner while watching TV. I guess sometime in the night I woke up enough to turn the TV off and turn the surround sound way down. We usually leave the sound ON so our dog Tucker has some sound to distract him from barking at the neighbors.
Anyway... I was hovering on the edge of sleep this morning when I heard the most evil sound!
It sounded kind of like a cross between a tree frog and a panther... but it had tonality to it... like it was part of a song or something! This TERRIBLE sound echoed around me.
This noise was one of those noises that kind of send shock waves through your body! I think it was worse because it was still pretty dark outside when I heard it... and I had left the curtains open!
As I fought the urge to scream, I also had to FORCE myself to look around and OUT the window! I just KNEW there was going to be some sort of glowey eyed creature looking back at me... thankfully there wasn't!
While I was looking around, puffy eyed and red faced (at least on the side I had slept on) the sound screeched AGAIN!
This time, I realized it was something on TV! I never turned it on to see... I just assumed it was something on Tru TV... maybe "Most Shocking: creepiest sounds ever made"... or maybe a new show "The Adventures of the little baby Satan" on Nickelodeon! All I know is that was a HORRIBLE Sound!
I fell asleep on the recliner because I was up late watching trash TV... yes, Springer was on that playlist.
You know, when I see these women on there fighting over a man... I get so mad! I mean, These women have NO self respect... NO self worth... Have they EVER been told they don't need a man? I'm not saying they shouldn't have one if the WANT one... I'm just saying that they shouldn't settle for WORTHLESS men just to fit some expected role in life.
I hate/love seeing them fight, yelling things like "You better stay away from my man!!!", Wouldn't it be more correct for them to just yell at each other "Girl, you better wait your turn!!!! WAIT YOUR TURN!!! What'd I SAY? What'd I SAY? No CUTSIES GIRL, get back in line and wait... yo... turn!" Sorry... I got a little in character there... had to have my dog rip out my weave for inspirtation!
And am I alone in this... but when you see these women fighting like this... you kind of assume the guy MIGHT be at least decent looking.... but he never is, is he? I mean, I can almost EXCUSE some of their bad behavior and fighting if when Jerry Springer said "Here he is!" and some Brad Pitt looking Mother Fella came strolling out!
But, then he'd ruin it... because the guy ALWAYS comes out and says something stupid like "I could never talk to you!!!! You was always at work!!! so while you was gone I was next door talking to Tasha!!! " THAT'S when we find out that the guy and Tasha are both un employed... and the only person on that stage earning an honest wage is Brenda (or whatever her name is). Meanwhile the guy... we'll call him Dick... is making Brenda feel like it's HER fault he's cheating.... like if she wouldn't have put her career at the Kroger in front of HIM... they could still be together! By this time I am usually flipping off the TV. (Not with the remote! >:-s)
For all those former and future guests on talk shows... I have some advice... and I think you can all agree that this is advice that can be applied to all our daily lives. If someone cheats on you, don't cry! Don't show ANY emotion... don't let THEM see you upset... and don't let "they HO" see you upset either! Don't fight for them... don't pine for them... just act like you're happy you're finally free! THEN you will see true human nature! "When YOU don't want yo' baby daddy no more... his HO don't neither!".... and "When you let yo' baby daddy know they's plenty of mens in the crowd at singles night at the Hoochie Hut... suddenly You'll be his number one again (if you want him)"
It all comes down to one simple fact - "we all want what someone ELSE has or wants!"
This rule applies to pretty much anything in life. From Men & Women... to cars... to the office potluck!
Think about it! How many time have you seen people pass over the last brownie or cookie? After a while... when you see no one else wants it... you start thinking "I wonder what's wrong with it? How long has it been just sitting there? I wonder if someones sneezed on it or something".
I mean, how many of us want a man/woman that's just been sitting there and may have been sneezed on? ;-P
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The Next Big Craze!
So recently, when my mother was looking for a new dog, I realized that this whole designer dog thing is WAY out of control!
Seriously... when I was younger, we just called mixed breeds mutts or Heinz 57.
Now, there's some crazy market to create the next "Puggle" and rake in the dough.
I was thinking of a few breeds that I think would do well with my friends..... They may already exist... but I've never heard of them.
I thnk mixing a Shitzu with a Poodle would be cool... creating a Shitz-a-poo. Or... how about a Shitzhuahua (shitz-WA-wa)? you know.. a mix of a Shitzu and a Chihuahua.
Someone my sister knows has a litter of Labrador/Rat Terrier mix puppies... or Lab Rats.
I mean, what is the deal with that? Why are we so fascinated with cross bred animals?
I've been thinking the next thing we need to do is cross breed plants in an effective yet beautiful way.
I would LOVE to have a Gardosa tree in my yard... (Gardenia/Mimosa) Or maybe a Magdenia (Magnolia/Gardenia)
Why aren't scientists working on this? I mean... now would be the time for them to rake in some "stimulus bux"
I guess, in the grand scheme of things... there should be limits... I mean... before you know it, scientists will be cross breeding everything! And I do NOT want to sit down at the table to have corn on the cob only to find out they added Nancy Grace's DNA to it... Creating the first corn that could scare away predators without the use of a scare crow.... but then again... it wouldn't shut up long enough for you to cook it.
Sometime, I must say... we should just leave it up to the higher powers... let them/him/her/ do the mixing.
Seriously... when I was younger, we just called mixed breeds mutts or Heinz 57.
Now, there's some crazy market to create the next "Puggle" and rake in the dough.
I was thinking of a few breeds that I think would do well with my friends..... They may already exist... but I've never heard of them.
I thnk mixing a Shitzu with a Poodle would be cool... creating a Shitz-a-poo. Or... how about a Shitzhuahua (shitz-WA-wa)? you know.. a mix of a Shitzu and a Chihuahua.
Someone my sister knows has a litter of Labrador/Rat Terrier mix puppies... or Lab Rats.
I mean, what is the deal with that? Why are we so fascinated with cross bred animals?
I've been thinking the next thing we need to do is cross breed plants in an effective yet beautiful way.
I would LOVE to have a Gardosa tree in my yard... (Gardenia/Mimosa) Or maybe a Magdenia (Magnolia/Gardenia)
Why aren't scientists working on this? I mean... now would be the time for them to rake in some "stimulus bux"
I guess, in the grand scheme of things... there should be limits... I mean... before you know it, scientists will be cross breeding everything! And I do NOT want to sit down at the table to have corn on the cob only to find out they added Nancy Grace's DNA to it... Creating the first corn that could scare away predators without the use of a scare crow.... but then again... it wouldn't shut up long enough for you to cook it.
Sometime, I must say... we should just leave it up to the higher powers... let them/him/her/ do the mixing.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Tulsa Trip-PG 13
Glen and I went to Tulsa yesterday with our friends Sandy & Beth.
Now, NORMALLY our trips with them are pretty tame.
I'm not sure if it was the heat or the moon phase... or if the was a sale on cheap tequila... but something was in the air in T-Town.
When we got to Woodland Hill's Mall, we all split up. Beth wanted to go to some woodworking thing or whittle fest at the expo center... so she dropped the rest of us off.
Sandy went to Macy's, the women's section... and Glen and I went to the Men's section.
I was casually searching the clearance and sale racks ( seriously... they had some good stuff) when I heard a commotion at the counter.
"I am a paying customer and that is just BULL SH#T, I'm not going to take that SH#T from a SALES girl" Said the obese woman with major roots, a bad dye job and shorts that she really needed to save for her "AFTER" picture.
Now, any of us who have worked in retail have dealt with that type of person... there's really no consoling them... they just want to make someone as miserable as they are... I guess everyone needs to feel empowered or something.
No sooner than the woman had stomped away... she came back to point out the girl who had caused her not to shop there anymore.
After the manager walked her away... It was time for Glen and I to check out... while at the counter I told the "new" sales girl that I saw what happened and the other clerk shouldn't get in trouble because of some white trash "speak your mind" day event that had just happened... she said she would tell the manager...
I filed that event into my mental filing case so I could tell Sandy & Beth about it later.... Then Glen and I continued our shopping.
When it came time to meet Sandy at our rendezvous... Glen and I took the outside shortcut to get from JC Penney's to Macy's.
As we were nearing the entrance, we heard a MAJOR barrage of cuss words spewing from the mouth of a bleach blond, thin... actually so thin her arms and legs were "cricket like", woman...
Now I cant type all these words without an adult guard... so I'll replace the BAD words with a variety of stuffed animal in italics...
This is how it happened:
Woman: What did you say about my daughter you stupid son of a bunny? Who the fozzy bear do you thing you are?
Man: If you're daughter is going to come prancing around the mall dressed like a horton hear's a who then you'd better fozzy well expect some son of a bunny to call you on it... Bunny!
Woman: What kind of a fozzy bassett hound says sheep like that about a 12 year old girl?
Man: The same kind of bassett hound who would try to pick up your fozzy daughter for looking like a Horton. I admit it, I'm a bassett hound... and I'm sure glad I went to war to fight for freedom so some little 125 pound bunny could dress her daughter like a horton!
Woman: My HUSBAND is on his second TOUR in KUWAIT you Goofy Darned mother fozz-ing son of a bunny!
Man: Last time I looked you stupid bunny, there's not a fozzing war in Kuwait... hope your goofy darned husband is enjoying his fozzing air con fozzing ditioning you stupid bunny!
This went on for a solid 10 minutes... and there were a couple times I SERIOUSLY thought the woman was going to hit him! The whole time, Glen and I are hiding out of her tunnel vision.. considering whether it would have been worth it to shoot video of it on our cell phones and posted it! At the time... we were like "Noooooo" .... Now, I wish more than ANYTHING we had done it!
So after that ended and we brought Sandy and Beth up to speed on everything we saw... we all decided to head to the Cherokee/Hard Rock Casino.
Inside, once again we split up... and after a short while, Glen and I found a game called Diamond Jackpots that we like.
When we were walking up... there was a LARRRRRRRGE man sitting on one of the machines next to us.. he wasn't playing... just sitting... He was really really large... He actually may have been the largest person I have seen in real life, unless you count that show "Big Medicine" on TLC?
Anywho... we sat down, stuck in our 20's and I guess something caught that guy's attention because he got up... leaving behind a "smear".
I saw it and pointed it out to Glen... it was a long, humid line that lead to a fibrous brown dollop..... of course Glen was JOKINGLY saying it was poo.... that's when the SMELL hit me! IT WAS POOOOOOOO!!!!! I think I may have actually gone pale and I was seriously sickened by that first whiff!
"Oh my gosh it really IS crap, Glen.... I CAN SMELL IT!!" I said.
Glen was like "nuuuuuh uhhhhhh"... I couldn't stay there and argue with him about it... I had to put as much distance between ME and the POO chair as possible!
I scooted down about 14 chairs and kept an eye on it, knowing I would feel HORRIBLE remorse if I saw someone SIT in it...
The good thing is, I won $140 on that machine.... WAY more than I took in there!
I was telling THAT story to Sandy when we left... she said "What d'ya know, Sh#t happens, then you win."
Now, NORMALLY our trips with them are pretty tame.
I'm not sure if it was the heat or the moon phase... or if the was a sale on cheap tequila... but something was in the air in T-Town.
When we got to Woodland Hill's Mall, we all split up. Beth wanted to go to some woodworking thing or whittle fest at the expo center... so she dropped the rest of us off.
Sandy went to Macy's, the women's section... and Glen and I went to the Men's section.
I was casually searching the clearance and sale racks ( seriously... they had some good stuff) when I heard a commotion at the counter.
"I am a paying customer and that is just BULL SH#T, I'm not going to take that SH#T from a SALES girl" Said the obese woman with major roots, a bad dye job and shorts that she really needed to save for her "AFTER" picture.
Now, any of us who have worked in retail have dealt with that type of person... there's really no consoling them... they just want to make someone as miserable as they are... I guess everyone needs to feel empowered or something.
No sooner than the woman had stomped away... she came back to point out the girl who had caused her not to shop there anymore.
After the manager walked her away... It was time for Glen and I to check out... while at the counter I told the "new" sales girl that I saw what happened and the other clerk shouldn't get in trouble because of some white trash "speak your mind" day event that had just happened... she said she would tell the manager...
I filed that event into my mental filing case so I could tell Sandy & Beth about it later.... Then Glen and I continued our shopping.
When it came time to meet Sandy at our rendezvous... Glen and I took the outside shortcut to get from JC Penney's to Macy's.
As we were nearing the entrance, we heard a MAJOR barrage of cuss words spewing from the mouth of a bleach blond, thin... actually so thin her arms and legs were "cricket like", woman...
Now I cant type all these words without an adult guard... so I'll replace the BAD words with a variety of stuffed animal in italics...
This is how it happened:
Woman: What did you say about my daughter you stupid son of a bunny? Who the fozzy bear do you thing you are?
Man: If you're daughter is going to come prancing around the mall dressed like a horton hear's a who then you'd better fozzy well expect some son of a bunny to call you on it... Bunny!
Woman: What kind of a fozzy bassett hound says sheep like that about a 12 year old girl?
Man: The same kind of bassett hound who would try to pick up your fozzy daughter for looking like a Horton. I admit it, I'm a bassett hound... and I'm sure glad I went to war to fight for freedom so some little 125 pound bunny could dress her daughter like a horton!
Woman: My HUSBAND is on his second TOUR in KUWAIT you Goofy Darned mother fozz-ing son of a bunny!
Man: Last time I looked you stupid bunny, there's not a fozzing war in Kuwait... hope your goofy darned husband is enjoying his fozzing air con fozzing ditioning you stupid bunny!
This went on for a solid 10 minutes... and there were a couple times I SERIOUSLY thought the woman was going to hit him! The whole time, Glen and I are hiding out of her tunnel vision.. considering whether it would have been worth it to shoot video of it on our cell phones and posted it! At the time... we were like "Noooooo" .... Now, I wish more than ANYTHING we had done it!
So after that ended and we brought Sandy and Beth up to speed on everything we saw... we all decided to head to the Cherokee/Hard Rock Casino.
Inside, once again we split up... and after a short while, Glen and I found a game called Diamond Jackpots that we like.
When we were walking up... there was a LARRRRRRRGE man sitting on one of the machines next to us.. he wasn't playing... just sitting... He was really really large... He actually may have been the largest person I have seen in real life, unless you count that show "Big Medicine" on TLC?
Anywho... we sat down, stuck in our 20's and I guess something caught that guy's attention because he got up... leaving behind a "smear".
I saw it and pointed it out to Glen... it was a long, humid line that lead to a fibrous brown dollop..... of course Glen was JOKINGLY saying it was poo.... that's when the SMELL hit me! IT WAS POOOOOOOO!!!!! I think I may have actually gone pale and I was seriously sickened by that first whiff!
"Oh my gosh it really IS crap, Glen.... I CAN SMELL IT!!" I said.
Glen was like "nuuuuuh uhhhhhh"... I couldn't stay there and argue with him about it... I had to put as much distance between ME and the POO chair as possible!
I scooted down about 14 chairs and kept an eye on it, knowing I would feel HORRIBLE remorse if I saw someone SIT in it...
The good thing is, I won $140 on that machine.... WAY more than I took in there!
I was telling THAT story to Sandy when we left... she said "What d'ya know, Sh#t happens, then you win."
quick movie review: "Bru- No Thank You"
So Glen and I went to see the new Bruno Flick today.... And that's an hour and a half of my life that I wish I could have back!
The trailers on TV made the piece (I refuse to say film) appear to be a series of pranks.... It LOOKED like it would be funny.
Within the first 10 minutes, Sacha Baron Cohen's character played into a VERY derogatory stereotype of a very small niche of people.
I'm going to be moderately graphic because it's really nasty.
The Character Bruno is paired with his small statured boyfriend taking part in some very raunchy sex acts... some including a phallus on the end of a pole... others including a glass of champagne poured out of a bottle that was tucked in a very obscene place.
I wanted to get up and leave RIGHT THEN... but I wanted to see the Fort Smith Scene that appears toward the end.
The next hour or so was filled with a few funny pranks... coupled with a scene that involved an extreme close up of full male frontal nudity that lasted for around 2 minutes!
AGAIN! This was just TOO MUCH!!! I mean, I enjoy toilet humor as much as the next guy... but this was seriously pushing the envelope, blurring the line between an R Rated film and some new niche of "comic porn".
From his trip to an ACTUAL swinger party where he touched men while they were having sex with random women... to his near nude march in front of the Phelps Hatemongers... it was so far over the top it was disturbing...
And for those of you planning on seeing the film JUST to see the Fort Smith Scene... don't bother... the crowd shots are so fast that you probably won't be able to see anyone you know... and it was honestly the MILDEST scene in the whole piece!
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not easily offended and that I have a pretty big thresh hold for all things offensive.... but this piece of celluloid crap is horrible. I honestly cannot remember ONE redeeming feature of this piece!?!?!?
BOOOOOO BRUNO!
The trailers on TV made the piece (I refuse to say film) appear to be a series of pranks.... It LOOKED like it would be funny.
Within the first 10 minutes, Sacha Baron Cohen's character played into a VERY derogatory stereotype of a very small niche of people.
I'm going to be moderately graphic because it's really nasty.
The Character Bruno is paired with his small statured boyfriend taking part in some very raunchy sex acts... some including a phallus on the end of a pole... others including a glass of champagne poured out of a bottle that was tucked in a very obscene place.
I wanted to get up and leave RIGHT THEN... but I wanted to see the Fort Smith Scene that appears toward the end.
The next hour or so was filled with a few funny pranks... coupled with a scene that involved an extreme close up of full male frontal nudity that lasted for around 2 minutes!
AGAIN! This was just TOO MUCH!!! I mean, I enjoy toilet humor as much as the next guy... but this was seriously pushing the envelope, blurring the line between an R Rated film and some new niche of "comic porn".
From his trip to an ACTUAL swinger party where he touched men while they were having sex with random women... to his near nude march in front of the Phelps Hatemongers... it was so far over the top it was disturbing...
And for those of you planning on seeing the film JUST to see the Fort Smith Scene... don't bother... the crowd shots are so fast that you probably won't be able to see anyone you know... and it was honestly the MILDEST scene in the whole piece!
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not easily offended and that I have a pretty big thresh hold for all things offensive.... but this piece of celluloid crap is horrible. I honestly cannot remember ONE redeeming feature of this piece!?!?!?
BOOOOOO BRUNO!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Not reccommended for children under 40
I had to go to the evil Mart today to pick up some sodas...
Yeah, I usually try to avoid that store at all costs.... except when it's hot and I'm crabby... then all my convictions go out the window.
Anyway, as I walked in the icy cool store and buried my hatred deeper... I thought, I want to look through the toy section.
Normally, I won't do that unless I have my niece with me... Nothing says "WEIRDO" like a 37 year old man looking though the toy section alone.
Can I just say kids today are SO lucky. We NEVER had these toys! And apparently, I was part of the generation where the powers who make up safety rules lived by the "oh it's probably fine... no kids have died yet" rule.
Seriously... I remember getting "Hot Wheels" cars as long as I can remember! I LOVED playing with them and chewing on their lovely little plastic tires as I drifted off to sleep.
TODAY I read that they're not really recommended for children under 3!?!?!? I'm pretty sure I teethed on a miniature 1973 Firebird.
Back then, I'm not sure they even CONSIDERED whether a toy might be inappropriate for a child. I mean, how else do you explain Shrinky Dinks?
Many an afternoon was spent coloring those little sheets with sharp (probably lead based) pencils... cutting them out with a pair of sharp scissors... and then placing them in a hot oven! I mean... I had to kill some time before my parents got off work.
So I started asking myself why WE never needed those recommended ages... but today's children do... and I came to the conclusion that children today are stupid.
Seriously! I mean... somehow I seemed to just KNOW as a young child that small things could choke me... sharp things could cut me... and hot things could burn me. It's like there was a guiding voice telling me these things... Oh THAT'S right... it was my MOM!
But see... My mom didn't just warn me that I might choke or get hurt... she'd wait for it to happen and then tell me... "Well, That's what you get!"
And you know what? Over time... I realized that I was responsible for my own actions! I could make my own choices... knowing full well that some of those choices could harm me. Guess what? I turned into a cautious child who was convinced that no one would save me if I DID get hurt... especially not my mother.
The moral to this story... Sometimes, the best thing parents can do is let kids learn for themselves....
If Paris Hilton's family didn't bail her out of every tough situation... don't you think she might stop acting like a hoochie... and maybe even put on a pair of underwear?
Somewhere, in our quest to spread the joy of ecology (Circa 1976), we started thinking that the best way to teach children was to protect them from EVERYTHING... And you see where that's gotten us.
(Once again to all the parents out there... I'm definitely not talking about YOUR little angels... they're just divine! Yes, they ARE the most beautiful children God ever paused to create.)
Yeah, I usually try to avoid that store at all costs.... except when it's hot and I'm crabby... then all my convictions go out the window.
Anyway, as I walked in the icy cool store and buried my hatred deeper... I thought, I want to look through the toy section.
Normally, I won't do that unless I have my niece with me... Nothing says "WEIRDO" like a 37 year old man looking though the toy section alone.
Can I just say kids today are SO lucky. We NEVER had these toys! And apparently, I was part of the generation where the powers who make up safety rules lived by the "oh it's probably fine... no kids have died yet" rule.
Seriously... I remember getting "Hot Wheels" cars as long as I can remember! I LOVED playing with them and chewing on their lovely little plastic tires as I drifted off to sleep.
TODAY I read that they're not really recommended for children under 3!?!?!? I'm pretty sure I teethed on a miniature 1973 Firebird.
Back then, I'm not sure they even CONSIDERED whether a toy might be inappropriate for a child. I mean, how else do you explain Shrinky Dinks?
Many an afternoon was spent coloring those little sheets with sharp (probably lead based) pencils... cutting them out with a pair of sharp scissors... and then placing them in a hot oven! I mean... I had to kill some time before my parents got off work.
So I started asking myself why WE never needed those recommended ages... but today's children do... and I came to the conclusion that children today are stupid.
Seriously! I mean... somehow I seemed to just KNOW as a young child that small things could choke me... sharp things could cut me... and hot things could burn me. It's like there was a guiding voice telling me these things... Oh THAT'S right... it was my MOM!
But see... My mom didn't just warn me that I might choke or get hurt... she'd wait for it to happen and then tell me... "Well, That's what you get!"
And you know what? Over time... I realized that I was responsible for my own actions! I could make my own choices... knowing full well that some of those choices could harm me. Guess what? I turned into a cautious child who was convinced that no one would save me if I DID get hurt... especially not my mother.
The moral to this story... Sometimes, the best thing parents can do is let kids learn for themselves....
If Paris Hilton's family didn't bail her out of every tough situation... don't you think she might stop acting like a hoochie... and maybe even put on a pair of underwear?
Somewhere, in our quest to spread the joy of ecology (Circa 1976), we started thinking that the best way to teach children was to protect them from EVERYTHING... And you see where that's gotten us.
(Once again to all the parents out there... I'm definitely not talking about YOUR little angels... they're just divine! Yes, they ARE the most beautiful children God ever paused to create.)
I feel a song coming on...
You know, sometimes I feel bad for my pets.
As many of you know, I was a music major in college. Being such, singing has always been a huge part of my life.
I honestly sing more often than I'd like to admit... and often... my own original works..
For instance...
My poor little Holli. She's 10 now, but when she was a puppy, I wrote a little ditty to "rile her up". It was called " I love my Holli". It was a fast paced little song, deeply entrenched in the vaudeville style. It also came with fast hand movements... which Holli HATED and would attack.
For years, I could start with that ever slow first line... IIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOOOVE MYYYYYY..... and Holli would get poised to leap!
I'd then BURST into the rest of the song with arm movements....
"...Holli.... my little Holli... I love my Holli Wolli Girl.... I Love Her... My little Holli... My little Holli Wolli girl." then it pretty much repeats until Holli, smartly , realized that if she ignored me... I'd stop.
Today I was thinking of that song as I sang "Bad Boy Blues" to Tucker... He chimes in with a slight whimper/howl. "Tucker... you is a bad boy.... you so bad all the live long day.... ohhhh Tucker... you such a bad boy... can't you see it's too hot to play?.... oh Tucker... mean old Tucker... why come you has to beeeee that way?"....
I have to say .... those words change depending on the situation... as you might have guessed, that's a bluesy song... I have to summon my inner Billie Holiday for that one.
As God as my witness, I just PRAY my neighbors can't hear me!
You have nooooo Idea.... music just hits me sometime! I don't know if I'm alone in that? I mean, I KNOW my friend Krista is the same... we used to spend entire evening's just singing everything!
It was like we were stuck in an opera.... a very very bad and long opera! ;-p
I can't imagine living any other way.
In fact... here's a challenge for you. The next time you're in a bad mood... just start singing! Seriously! The sillier the topic the better!
Fort instance... if you're out of coffee (or soda) in the morning... summon a deep baritone voice and sing.... "Where is the coffee? I have no coffee? how can I survive? how will I make it? how can I wake up? how can I bring my self alive?"
See the real challenge is finding ways to rhyme.
When I was a kid, I watched those old musicals and thought... life can not be so happy all the time!?!?! Turns out... it can be... it's all just one big song and dance.
As many of you know, I was a music major in college. Being such, singing has always been a huge part of my life.
I honestly sing more often than I'd like to admit... and often... my own original works..
For instance...
My poor little Holli. She's 10 now, but when she was a puppy, I wrote a little ditty to "rile her up". It was called " I love my Holli". It was a fast paced little song, deeply entrenched in the vaudeville style. It also came with fast hand movements... which Holli HATED and would attack.
For years, I could start with that ever slow first line... IIIIIIII LOOOOOOOOOOVE MYYYYYY..... and Holli would get poised to leap!
I'd then BURST into the rest of the song with arm movements....
"...Holli.... my little Holli... I love my Holli Wolli Girl.... I Love Her... My little Holli... My little Holli Wolli girl." then it pretty much repeats until Holli, smartly , realized that if she ignored me... I'd stop.
Today I was thinking of that song as I sang "Bad Boy Blues" to Tucker... He chimes in with a slight whimper/howl. "Tucker... you is a bad boy.... you so bad all the live long day.... ohhhh Tucker... you such a bad boy... can't you see it's too hot to play?.... oh Tucker... mean old Tucker... why come you has to beeeee that way?"....
I have to say .... those words change depending on the situation... as you might have guessed, that's a bluesy song... I have to summon my inner Billie Holiday for that one.
As God as my witness, I just PRAY my neighbors can't hear me!
You have nooooo Idea.... music just hits me sometime! I don't know if I'm alone in that? I mean, I KNOW my friend Krista is the same... we used to spend entire evening's just singing everything!
It was like we were stuck in an opera.... a very very bad and long opera! ;-p
I can't imagine living any other way.
In fact... here's a challenge for you. The next time you're in a bad mood... just start singing! Seriously! The sillier the topic the better!
Fort instance... if you're out of coffee (or soda) in the morning... summon a deep baritone voice and sing.... "Where is the coffee? I have no coffee? how can I survive? how will I make it? how can I wake up? how can I bring my self alive?"
See the real challenge is finding ways to rhyme.
When I was a kid, I watched those old musicals and thought... life can not be so happy all the time!?!?! Turns out... it can be... it's all just one big song and dance.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Storm Stories: Heat Wave
It seriously is so hot outside right now.
The thermometer says 97 in Van Buren... and it looks like the trend will continue for the next couple weeks.
This type of forecast would have driven me crazy when I was in news.
You see, my last job in news was coming up with the stories for the day.... and a heat wave meant that we had to pull out the same stories we had done (in my case for 15 years) and find a new way to tell them.
Since it's summer, I'll go ahead and tell you what you will see on TV over the next couple weeks... that way you can forget about it and spend the week doing something fun with your family!
First, you can expect to see a a cool new "open", I'm going to bet it will be comprised of video of the sun, maybe with video of an "outdoor" worker wiping his brow...
then the News Anchor will say something like " it's the third day of searing heat... and it's not going to end anytime soon! We begin our heat wave coverage with a look at the forecast!"
now, after that... they'll pitch to a reporter whose probably doing a story about outdoor workers and what they're doing to keep cool...
out of that, expect to see HEAT STROKE tips... the standards... first you feel dizzy, nausea... then you stop sweating.... that will probably be on a "Heat Wave" background... which is really just a still of the open.
from there, I'm going to guess we may pitch to another reporter doing a story about a daycare... maybe a look at how they're keeping the kids inside all day since it's so hot... and when they DO let the kids out.... they slather them with????? You guessed it... Sunscreen with an SPF of 30 or higher!
That gets us to our NEXT still screen... Tips on picking a good sunscreen.
Out of that, almost certainly, the Anchor will pitch to the website saying something like "or more information on the heat wave or for tips on staying cool... log onto our website"
The week will be filled with people trying to come up with new ways to tell the "it's hot" story....
You'll see such favorites as-
* old or poor person cools down with just a fan
*old or poor person relies on "Cool Zones" to keep cool
*Local Agencies helping you pay your bill
*Emergency rooms see increase of heat related illnesses.
*First bills arrive for cooling costs, leaves customers steamed
*pets and the heat, probably a ride along with an animal officer explaining the required shelter.
*additional tips on keeping pets cool- freezing water to let it melt throughout the day... sheering them... kiddie pool.
*How hot does your car get? Do Visors work?
*Hot Surfaces... danger of burns.
Now, NEXT week we should start hearing about water restrictions and getting a look at local lake levels.
Stories you most likely WONT see.
*** When checking on the power grid to make sure there won't be outages... you WON'T hear how much of a drain Wal-Mart is on the local systems....
*** You also won't likely hear that Wal-Mart is making a donation to help low income people pay their bills.
I certainly don't miss this time of year in News... It truly does get into a rut and is EXTREMELY hard to come up with new angles.
That's why I say... Help the grid, Turn OFF your TV... Do Laundry at night... and go somewhere with the family. While you're gone... you can set the AC up higher...
It's really all about the planet. ;-p
The thermometer says 97 in Van Buren... and it looks like the trend will continue for the next couple weeks.
This type of forecast would have driven me crazy when I was in news.
You see, my last job in news was coming up with the stories for the day.... and a heat wave meant that we had to pull out the same stories we had done (in my case for 15 years) and find a new way to tell them.
Since it's summer, I'll go ahead and tell you what you will see on TV over the next couple weeks... that way you can forget about it and spend the week doing something fun with your family!
First, you can expect to see a a cool new "open", I'm going to bet it will be comprised of video of the sun, maybe with video of an "outdoor" worker wiping his brow...
then the News Anchor will say something like " it's the third day of searing heat... and it's not going to end anytime soon! We begin our heat wave coverage with a look at the forecast!"
now, after that... they'll pitch to a reporter whose probably doing a story about outdoor workers and what they're doing to keep cool...
out of that, expect to see HEAT STROKE tips... the standards... first you feel dizzy, nausea... then you stop sweating.... that will probably be on a "Heat Wave" background... which is really just a still of the open.
from there, I'm going to guess we may pitch to another reporter doing a story about a daycare... maybe a look at how they're keeping the kids inside all day since it's so hot... and when they DO let the kids out.... they slather them with????? You guessed it... Sunscreen with an SPF of 30 or higher!
That gets us to our NEXT still screen... Tips on picking a good sunscreen.
Out of that, almost certainly, the Anchor will pitch to the website saying something like "or more information on the heat wave or for tips on staying cool... log onto our website"
The week will be filled with people trying to come up with new ways to tell the "it's hot" story....
You'll see such favorites as-
* old or poor person cools down with just a fan
*old or poor person relies on "Cool Zones" to keep cool
*Local Agencies helping you pay your bill
*Emergency rooms see increase of heat related illnesses.
*First bills arrive for cooling costs, leaves customers steamed
*pets and the heat, probably a ride along with an animal officer explaining the required shelter.
*additional tips on keeping pets cool- freezing water to let it melt throughout the day... sheering them... kiddie pool.
*How hot does your car get? Do Visors work?
*Hot Surfaces... danger of burns.
Now, NEXT week we should start hearing about water restrictions and getting a look at local lake levels.
Stories you most likely WONT see.
*** When checking on the power grid to make sure there won't be outages... you WON'T hear how much of a drain Wal-Mart is on the local systems....
*** You also won't likely hear that Wal-Mart is making a donation to help low income people pay their bills.
I certainly don't miss this time of year in News... It truly does get into a rut and is EXTREMELY hard to come up with new angles.
That's why I say... Help the grid, Turn OFF your TV... Do Laundry at night... and go somewhere with the family. While you're gone... you can set the AC up higher...
It's really all about the planet. ;-p
Monday, June 15, 2009
Yes, I get it... now shut the heck up!
Have you ever noticed how quickly a funny commercial or advertisement can become a thorn in your side?
Over the years there have been so many campaigns that nearly drove me to violence.
I mean, I guess they did their job because I can still remember most of them.... but there are some NOW that I hate so much that I REFUSE to buy the product out of protest!
Subway's 5 dollar foot long commercials make me want to scream! I hate hearing all those people singing sections of the song in their own styles... then someone puts the whole thing together!?!?!?! like nails on a chalkboard!!!!!
Also... What's the deal with those stupid cavemen? I mean... didn't that show launch them into a sitcom? HOW?
Who among us watched those commercials and thought "That would be HIIIIIIIIIIlarious!"?
Is that what modern television has come to?
And so help me, if I hear another "free credit report dot com" song I will have to rip off my ears and throw them at the TV!
The first song... yeah... it was funny.... BUT now were like 5 songs into this train wreck?!?!?! People PLEASE!?!?!?!?
The problem is, Advertising execs are paid to be creative... but they work in an industry where creativity is stunted!
Each "idea" has to be combed through with a fine toothed comb to make sure no one could possibly be offended by it.... and if it meets the criteria.... they use it... and they use it A LOT!
It's funny too... now, they're making 2 versions of the same commercial with tiny script changes!
I noticed this the other day... there was a commercial where a guy is going down an escalator and a woman says "I think you're the father of one of my kids"... the whole premise is that he's confused and thinks she means he's her "baby daddy", turns out the woman is his daughter's teacher... Anyway... in one version, he calls the woman "Miss" something... and in the OTHER version he calls her "Sister Mary Catherine"...
I bet they had to screen that one before dozens of Catholics to make sure it was OK.... And WHY?
Do we really live in an age where we can't say things that are just a little bit offensive???
Are we really so concerned with people's FEELINGS that we will abandon our freedoms and rights?
Do we all REALLY have that big of a chip on our shoulders?
I can't imagine how life would be if I didn't make fun of every aspect of my own life! And shouldn't I have that right?
I think we have just come to a point in time that everyone has built up this image of themselves that is "respectable" and "impervious" to outside influences....
Really? Do we REALLY think that in the grand scheme of things that we, as individuals, are THAT important to the whole group?
Wow! I just derailed this blog and took it totally off in another direction... but my point is... Some commercials are really annoying. ;-p
More posts to come... June has just been SOOOOO busy!
Over the years there have been so many campaigns that nearly drove me to violence.
I mean, I guess they did their job because I can still remember most of them.... but there are some NOW that I hate so much that I REFUSE to buy the product out of protest!
Subway's 5 dollar foot long commercials make me want to scream! I hate hearing all those people singing sections of the song in their own styles... then someone puts the whole thing together!?!?!?! like nails on a chalkboard!!!!!
Also... What's the deal with those stupid cavemen? I mean... didn't that show launch them into a sitcom? HOW?
Who among us watched those commercials and thought "That would be HIIIIIIIIIIlarious!"?
Is that what modern television has come to?
And so help me, if I hear another "free credit report dot com" song I will have to rip off my ears and throw them at the TV!
The first song... yeah... it was funny.... BUT now were like 5 songs into this train wreck?!?!?! People PLEASE!?!?!?!?
The problem is, Advertising execs are paid to be creative... but they work in an industry where creativity is stunted!
Each "idea" has to be combed through with a fine toothed comb to make sure no one could possibly be offended by it.... and if it meets the criteria.... they use it... and they use it A LOT!
It's funny too... now, they're making 2 versions of the same commercial with tiny script changes!
I noticed this the other day... there was a commercial where a guy is going down an escalator and a woman says "I think you're the father of one of my kids"... the whole premise is that he's confused and thinks she means he's her "baby daddy", turns out the woman is his daughter's teacher... Anyway... in one version, he calls the woman "Miss" something... and in the OTHER version he calls her "Sister Mary Catherine"...
I bet they had to screen that one before dozens of Catholics to make sure it was OK.... And WHY?
Do we really live in an age where we can't say things that are just a little bit offensive???
Are we really so concerned with people's FEELINGS that we will abandon our freedoms and rights?
Do we all REALLY have that big of a chip on our shoulders?
I can't imagine how life would be if I didn't make fun of every aspect of my own life! And shouldn't I have that right?
I think we have just come to a point in time that everyone has built up this image of themselves that is "respectable" and "impervious" to outside influences....
Really? Do we REALLY think that in the grand scheme of things that we, as individuals, are THAT important to the whole group?
Wow! I just derailed this blog and took it totally off in another direction... but my point is... Some commercials are really annoying. ;-p
More posts to come... June has just been SOOOOO busy!
Monday, June 8, 2009
Wait... What was I going to be when I grew up?
Why is it so easy to imagine what you're going to be when you grow up... but so hard to REMEMBER it in adulthood?
Granted, each of us probably changed our minds at least 3 times when we were kids... but let's take a look at the top 3.
For instance, I know that I wanted to be an Archaeologist. When did that change? I mean... I totally think that would STILL be a cool job to have!
I think what happens is "requirements" kill the dream.
Sure, we'd ALL be Archaeologists if the course study was "digging up stuff 101" followed by "trying to figure out what or who lived here for beginners".
But somewhere along the way, someone decided that in order to dig up stuff, you need to be able to do Trig.
That bad thing is we all just agree with the system.
Clearly, there are some classes that just are not needed for a degree.
What I think is happening is colleges are just slipping some "requirements" in there to make more money.
It probably started with just a few extra classes at first... then they were like "well.. we need to fill a 4 to 6 year plan SOMEhow".
I like the days of Laura Ingalls...
She was like 14 and took the teaching exam... next thing you know, she's teaching a class over by Mankato and courting Almonzo.
If she would have been required to complete a modern degree, she would have been an old maid by the time she finished!
I suppose really does come down to how willing we are to fight for our dreams... I mean... I DID end up working in TV for most of my life... that was one of my dreams... you know... before I KNEW better. ;-)
Granted, each of us probably changed our minds at least 3 times when we were kids... but let's take a look at the top 3.
For instance, I know that I wanted to be an Archaeologist. When did that change? I mean... I totally think that would STILL be a cool job to have!
I think what happens is "requirements" kill the dream.
Sure, we'd ALL be Archaeologists if the course study was "digging up stuff 101" followed by "trying to figure out what or who lived here for beginners".
But somewhere along the way, someone decided that in order to dig up stuff, you need to be able to do Trig.
That bad thing is we all just agree with the system.
Clearly, there are some classes that just are not needed for a degree.
What I think is happening is colleges are just slipping some "requirements" in there to make more money.
It probably started with just a few extra classes at first... then they were like "well.. we need to fill a 4 to 6 year plan SOMEhow".
I like the days of Laura Ingalls...
She was like 14 and took the teaching exam... next thing you know, she's teaching a class over by Mankato and courting Almonzo.
If she would have been required to complete a modern degree, she would have been an old maid by the time she finished!
I suppose really does come down to how willing we are to fight for our dreams... I mean... I DID end up working in TV for most of my life... that was one of my dreams... you know... before I KNEW better. ;-)
Friday, June 5, 2009
The year I was cross eyed and toothless.
My Aunt Janet recently sent me some old pictures from when I was very young... and there were some in there where my left eye was crossed inward.... and I was missing teeth.
I remember how that happened!
When we first moved to Fort Smith, we were pretty poor.
we bounced from a few different rental places before we finally moved to Allied Gardens Estates.
They added the "Estates" to make it sound regal... but it wasn't... it was low income housing.
Being subsidized houseing, it was quite a melting pot. Several families who had JUST immigrated from Vietnam or Laos.
Well, one day, I was walking down the stairs to play in the "yard" when one of the immigrant children came up to me with a paper "lunch" bag filled with rocks and dirt and hit me in my left eye!
That NIGHT my eye crossed inward!
When my mom took me to the eye doctor, all he did was tell me I had to wear glasses... MAGNIFYING glasses to help pull my eye forward.
I hated those glasses... I mean I REALLY hated them. So it was such a "shame" when they were "lost" just a couple months after I got them.
Here's the crazy part... after about a year, my eye slowly straightened up! odd.
As for the toothless part... that was ALL my sister's fault.
One day, I had to have been 2 or 3 at the most, Donishia was jumping off the porch backward.
She DARED me to do it... as I was getting on to the edge of the porch Donishia PUSHED ME and said "GOOOOOOOO!"
I can CLEARLY remember that feeling of falling backward of the porch! I can still feel that horror as I was screaming... and realized that my OPEN MOUTH was about to hit the concrete edge of the porch!
I can still SEE the shards of my front tooth as it SHATTERED on the porch! I think I went in to shock because the next thing I remember is going to the dentist.
He "cemented" my tooth back together and put it back in! But, I picked at it so much later that It all fell out again... and Donishia got in trouble AGAIN! >:-)
I didn't have my front teeth for at least 3 more years! But I've had that story to hold over my sister's head for more than 30 years! ;-p
Friday, May 29, 2009
Turtle Trauma
Over the past few weeks, little hobbling balls of reptilian flesh have been trekking across county roads and highways everywhere!
I have to admit, even as an adult it's hard for me to pass them without jumping out and grabbing them.
When we were kids, my Uncle Billy and Aunt Janet used to keep us supplied in turtles of all shapes and sizes.
We'd catch them, keep them for a day or two, write our initials on their backs in fingernail polish and then let them go, usually at Addie & Joe's farm... They were my great aunt and uncle.
But of all the turtle's I have briefly had in my life... there is one that permeates my memory more than any other.
I think it was summer, 1979.
Janet had recently gotten her special order, metallic ocean blue Camero Z-28.
She came out to Nanny and Papaw's to pick Chuck, Donishia and me up for a visit to our other grandparents, Abb & Alberta.
As we headed into town, we were halfway into the curve on east 80 near the old lumber yard when we saw that all too familiar bell shape inching across the highway.
Janet pointed it out and said she'd jump out and get it, which she did and then brought it back to Donishia and me who were sitting in the back seat.
At first... all was well. As you know, a frightened turtle will close itself up in it's shell until it feels safe.
We were probably a good 2 miles from Abb & Alberta's when the turtle felt comfortable enough to stick it's head out...
The instant I saw it's head... something shook in me. "I've never seen a turtle with orange and yellow on it's head... are his eyes RED?" I thought.
One by one, his little legs popped out... they were equally disturbing! "Look at those CLAWS!" I said.
About that time, the turtle decided he wasn't so keen on being in the floorboard... and he started crawling VIGOROUSLY toward my seat!
"Janet, this turtle looks funny... JANET!!! JAAAAAANNNNNEEEEET!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHH" I said as I pushed myself into that tiny space beneath the back glass of her car, which I had to share with my sister who was now screaming as violently as I was.
We were just a couple blocks from Abb & Alberta's by now so Janet chose to wait to stop until we got there.
The INSTANT she stopped and opened the door... My brother, Chuck, jumped out of the front seat... Donishia and I leaped out of the back, lunging from the seat straight out the door, never getting out feet within "biting" range of this demon turtle.
Janet grabbed the turtle, which had become startled itself and apparently released every drop of fluid inside it's entire body all over her new upholstery.
After that we NEVER brought a turtle in the car if we couldn't see it's face first!
I have to admit, even as an adult it's hard for me to pass them without jumping out and grabbing them.
When we were kids, my Uncle Billy and Aunt Janet used to keep us supplied in turtles of all shapes and sizes.
We'd catch them, keep them for a day or two, write our initials on their backs in fingernail polish and then let them go, usually at Addie & Joe's farm... They were my great aunt and uncle.
But of all the turtle's I have briefly had in my life... there is one that permeates my memory more than any other.
I think it was summer, 1979.
Janet had recently gotten her special order, metallic ocean blue Camero Z-28.
She came out to Nanny and Papaw's to pick Chuck, Donishia and me up for a visit to our other grandparents, Abb & Alberta.
As we headed into town, we were halfway into the curve on east 80 near the old lumber yard when we saw that all too familiar bell shape inching across the highway.
Janet pointed it out and said she'd jump out and get it, which she did and then brought it back to Donishia and me who were sitting in the back seat.
At first... all was well. As you know, a frightened turtle will close itself up in it's shell until it feels safe.
We were probably a good 2 miles from Abb & Alberta's when the turtle felt comfortable enough to stick it's head out...
The instant I saw it's head... something shook in me. "I've never seen a turtle with orange and yellow on it's head... are his eyes RED?" I thought.
One by one, his little legs popped out... they were equally disturbing! "Look at those CLAWS!" I said.
About that time, the turtle decided he wasn't so keen on being in the floorboard... and he started crawling VIGOROUSLY toward my seat!
"Janet, this turtle looks funny... JANET!!! JAAAAAANNNNNEEEEET!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHH" I said as I pushed myself into that tiny space beneath the back glass of her car, which I had to share with my sister who was now screaming as violently as I was.
We were just a couple blocks from Abb & Alberta's by now so Janet chose to wait to stop until we got there.
The INSTANT she stopped and opened the door... My brother, Chuck, jumped out of the front seat... Donishia and I leaped out of the back, lunging from the seat straight out the door, never getting out feet within "biting" range of this demon turtle.
Janet grabbed the turtle, which had become startled itself and apparently released every drop of fluid inside it's entire body all over her new upholstery.
After that we NEVER brought a turtle in the car if we couldn't see it's face first!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
More memories of a southern childhood
The last time I went shopping, I noticed that there's a huge section where people can buy "prepared" vegetables.
You can get diced onions, tomatoes... even boiled and shelled eggs.
While I can appreciate that prepared foods can save time in the kitchen, I have to say, they never taste as good as the foods you prepare yourself.
When I was a kid, it would have been taboo to actually *purchase* prepared vegetables or soup.
Nanny, Snooks, Granny Tinder... And even though my grandpa Abb and and grandma Alberta lived *in town*... they all had gardens.
When I say garden, I don't mean that small patch of ground out in the corner of the yard where people plant a couple of tomato or pepper plants.... I mean a good 2-3 acres of nothing but vegetables growing in the southern soil.
Nanny and Papaw had the biggest garden of anyone in my family.
I remember Papaw would head out the garden after Ash Wednesday and "turn the soil".
When Chuck, Donishia and I would go to visit, Nanny and Papaw would load us up in the truck and head to the Farmers COOP to get seeds.
I used to LOVE planting potatoes!
There was something magical about chopping up one potato and planting it to make 5 or 6 new plants!
As the days got longer and the air thicker with humidity, the tiny plants would begin bursting out of the earth.
Onions, peppers, collard greens, okra, all varieties of squash... their yard became a cornucopia of all things delicious!
When it was time for picking, we'd wait for the sun to start setting so as to avoid heat stroke... and then nanny would pull out some big old dish pans which we'd use to carry the veggies into the carport.
I don't think there are any vegetables that I don't like. But there are some that I like more than others.
There was nothing like picking a "mess" of purple hull peas or green beans.
Those, we'd carry over to Granny Tinder's porch.
Then, late in the evening, we'd sit out there with a series of dishpans "hullin" or "snappin", depending on what we were working on.
I remember our fingers would be dyed purple from the pea hulls... and the entire porch would fill up with that wonderful aroma of fresh, green, delicious vegetables.
For us, THAT was the evening news... Granny, Snooks, Nanny and any other cousin or aunt would join us and we'd all share the things we had heard.
"Did you hear about Sister Johnson?" Nanny would say...
No matter what had happened to Sister Johnson, the story would usually end with a "Bless her heart" or a quick one line "Jesus bless her and her family... amen"
It's so amazing... I remember that we were ALL pretty much dirt poor. But no one in the community really seemed to go without.
Small towns, in those days, seemed to purposely disconnect themselves from the happenings in the world... and neighbors focused on what they could do to make sure everyone they knew had plenty to eat and a friend to talk to.
Nanny was amazing in her ability to turn 3 acres of garden into a year's worth of canned goods for herself, and her 3 kids' families.
There was nothing like opening a can of peas in the winter, that you knew YOU had hulled, and helped prepare... and oh what I'd give for a jar of Nanny's homemade beef soup!
What I think separates my generation from theirs is that nowadays, when people get into a bind, they turn to the government for a handout.
Their generation turned to each other.
I have to say, I like their system better.
You can get diced onions, tomatoes... even boiled and shelled eggs.
While I can appreciate that prepared foods can save time in the kitchen, I have to say, they never taste as good as the foods you prepare yourself.
When I was a kid, it would have been taboo to actually *purchase* prepared vegetables or soup.
Nanny, Snooks, Granny Tinder... And even though my grandpa Abb and and grandma Alberta lived *in town*... they all had gardens.
When I say garden, I don't mean that small patch of ground out in the corner of the yard where people plant a couple of tomato or pepper plants.... I mean a good 2-3 acres of nothing but vegetables growing in the southern soil.
Nanny and Papaw had the biggest garden of anyone in my family.
I remember Papaw would head out the garden after Ash Wednesday and "turn the soil".
When Chuck, Donishia and I would go to visit, Nanny and Papaw would load us up in the truck and head to the Farmers COOP to get seeds.
I used to LOVE planting potatoes!
There was something magical about chopping up one potato and planting it to make 5 or 6 new plants!
As the days got longer and the air thicker with humidity, the tiny plants would begin bursting out of the earth.
Onions, peppers, collard greens, okra, all varieties of squash... their yard became a cornucopia of all things delicious!
When it was time for picking, we'd wait for the sun to start setting so as to avoid heat stroke... and then nanny would pull out some big old dish pans which we'd use to carry the veggies into the carport.
I don't think there are any vegetables that I don't like. But there are some that I like more than others.
There was nothing like picking a "mess" of purple hull peas or green beans.
Those, we'd carry over to Granny Tinder's porch.
Then, late in the evening, we'd sit out there with a series of dishpans "hullin" or "snappin", depending on what we were working on.
I remember our fingers would be dyed purple from the pea hulls... and the entire porch would fill up with that wonderful aroma of fresh, green, delicious vegetables.
For us, THAT was the evening news... Granny, Snooks, Nanny and any other cousin or aunt would join us and we'd all share the things we had heard.
"Did you hear about Sister Johnson?" Nanny would say...
No matter what had happened to Sister Johnson, the story would usually end with a "Bless her heart" or a quick one line "Jesus bless her and her family... amen"
It's so amazing... I remember that we were ALL pretty much dirt poor. But no one in the community really seemed to go without.
Small towns, in those days, seemed to purposely disconnect themselves from the happenings in the world... and neighbors focused on what they could do to make sure everyone they knew had plenty to eat and a friend to talk to.
Nanny was amazing in her ability to turn 3 acres of garden into a year's worth of canned goods for herself, and her 3 kids' families.
There was nothing like opening a can of peas in the winter, that you knew YOU had hulled, and helped prepare... and oh what I'd give for a jar of Nanny's homemade beef soup!
What I think separates my generation from theirs is that nowadays, when people get into a bind, they turn to the government for a handout.
Their generation turned to each other.
I have to say, I like their system better.
A sigh for simpler times.
Every time I turn on the TV I hear about some new invention or computer program designed to help keep me connected or to give me the edge in the world today.
My question lately is, what's wrong with being DIS-connected?
When I was growing up, my "Nanny" was able to stay abreast of all sorts of information using a crazy invention called the telephone!
Get this, she would dial a number on the rotary dial... and that would connect her to an actual living soul!
There was no wondering how "Aint Snooks" meant her e-mail... if there was a problem, Nanny would actually hear it in Snooks' voice..
If a problem was detected, Nanny wouldn't order a gift online and have it sent with a personal message... she did the craziest thing... she would go to the kitchen and bake up the most heavenly apple pie and take it to Snooks, while the pie was still warm.
I've said before that I think our personal relationships have suffered as technology increased.
It's so easy to type out a quick e-mail... but aren't there times when each of us could use more than just "words" of encouragement?
Don't we all still yearn for an unscripted night of friends, games and a few pots of coffee?
I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have had a childhood in Waldron, Arkansas... the town that time forgot.
This time of year makes me miss my Papaw's produce stand.
Nanny and Papaw lived on East 80 just outside of Waldron..
East 80 was a pretty busy highway, so in his later years, Papaw ran a produce stand in the front yard.
I remember when Chuck, Donishia and I would stay with them, we'd be awakened by the aroma of bacon, biscuits and coffee around 5 in the morning.
Just before we sat at the table, the mouth watering scent of chocolate gravy beckoned us.
Nanny wanted to make sure we were up in time to help Papaw with the stand.
Once we finished breakfast, we'd walk out to the stand and rearrange the baskets and bushels of apples, okra, corn and every melon you could imagine.
When everything was situated, Papaw would raise the front flap on the stand and pull his sign out to the road.
I remember that there was a lot of waiting... which was fine because Papaw would pull the old metal lawn chairs out under the shade of the Mimosa tree.
We'd spend most of the day waving to strangers as they passed... Nanny would keep us stocked up on iced tea.
Ever so often, a rusty old car would pull up and some old woman would inspect the produce and then haggle with Papaw about the price.
By the end of the day, us kids were wore out... and just as we thought we couldn't go on... Papaw would tell one of us to go open the ice chest under the carport.
Unbeknown to us, he had put the best watermelon of the bunch into that chest... and it had been chilling all day.
He'd close up the stand... back up his truck... and slice that watermelon right on the tailgate!
Then, us kids would take a seat on that tailgate, feet swinging, and we'd eat that watermelon and spit out the seeds.
As hot and sticky as it was, I don't ever remember complaining. It was magical just sitting there watching the sun set... the air heavy with the sweet smell of Mimosa... as the summer breeze sparkled with the lights of a million lightning bugs.
Nanny and Papaw and even my brother Chuck are all gone now....
Those memories are so precious to me... I can't imagine trading that experience for anything.
And while we can't go back to that time... we can all take a break... unplug a bit.
Turn off your cell phone.
Unplug your blackberry.
Take a ride through the country and stop at a roadside produce stand.
Technology CAN make life easier... but what's the point if you're not living?
My question lately is, what's wrong with being DIS-connected?
When I was growing up, my "Nanny" was able to stay abreast of all sorts of information using a crazy invention called the telephone!
Get this, she would dial a number on the rotary dial... and that would connect her to an actual living soul!
There was no wondering how "Aint Snooks" meant her e-mail... if there was a problem, Nanny would actually hear it in Snooks' voice..
If a problem was detected, Nanny wouldn't order a gift online and have it sent with a personal message... she did the craziest thing... she would go to the kitchen and bake up the most heavenly apple pie and take it to Snooks, while the pie was still warm.
I've said before that I think our personal relationships have suffered as technology increased.
It's so easy to type out a quick e-mail... but aren't there times when each of us could use more than just "words" of encouragement?
Don't we all still yearn for an unscripted night of friends, games and a few pots of coffee?
I consider myself so incredibly lucky to have had a childhood in Waldron, Arkansas... the town that time forgot.
This time of year makes me miss my Papaw's produce stand.
Nanny and Papaw lived on East 80 just outside of Waldron..
East 80 was a pretty busy highway, so in his later years, Papaw ran a produce stand in the front yard.
I remember when Chuck, Donishia and I would stay with them, we'd be awakened by the aroma of bacon, biscuits and coffee around 5 in the morning.
Just before we sat at the table, the mouth watering scent of chocolate gravy beckoned us.
Nanny wanted to make sure we were up in time to help Papaw with the stand.
Once we finished breakfast, we'd walk out to the stand and rearrange the baskets and bushels of apples, okra, corn and every melon you could imagine.
When everything was situated, Papaw would raise the front flap on the stand and pull his sign out to the road.
I remember that there was a lot of waiting... which was fine because Papaw would pull the old metal lawn chairs out under the shade of the Mimosa tree.
We'd spend most of the day waving to strangers as they passed... Nanny would keep us stocked up on iced tea.
Ever so often, a rusty old car would pull up and some old woman would inspect the produce and then haggle with Papaw about the price.
By the end of the day, us kids were wore out... and just as we thought we couldn't go on... Papaw would tell one of us to go open the ice chest under the carport.
Unbeknown to us, he had put the best watermelon of the bunch into that chest... and it had been chilling all day.
He'd close up the stand... back up his truck... and slice that watermelon right on the tailgate!
Then, us kids would take a seat on that tailgate, feet swinging, and we'd eat that watermelon and spit out the seeds.
As hot and sticky as it was, I don't ever remember complaining. It was magical just sitting there watching the sun set... the air heavy with the sweet smell of Mimosa... as the summer breeze sparkled with the lights of a million lightning bugs.
Nanny and Papaw and even my brother Chuck are all gone now....
Those memories are so precious to me... I can't imagine trading that experience for anything.
And while we can't go back to that time... we can all take a break... unplug a bit.
Turn off your cell phone.
Unplug your blackberry.
Take a ride through the country and stop at a roadside produce stand.
Technology CAN make life easier... but what's the point if you're not living?
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I DEMAND that you think freely
OK, so CLEARLY, I have been on cloud 9 since Kris won last night.
My joy is tainted by the backlash of Adam supporters alleging everything from "the Underdog Theory" to Homophobia.
I don't know if Adam is gay or not... I assume he is, but has he called me and confided in me that he is gay? No.
My problem is, Adam comes across (at least to me) as the kind of "gay" that I would never in a million years want to have as a friend.
He reminds me of a little bar queen who might show up to a party at your house even though you never invited them.... only to find the next day that you're missing 2 bottles of cologne and a signed picture of Tammy Faye Baker..
And why do I feel I have to explain this? That I have to prove that *I* am not a homophope?
I'll tell you why, because in the quest for acceptance for everyone, we all signed away our right to have an opposing view!
And who decided this? The Media? Are we so afraid of speaking our minds or appearing rude that we are willing to just let a choice few atop the entertainment industry TELL us what we accept and don't accept?
Did we hand off our right to free speech so that certain media groups could exercise THEIR right to free speech more loudly than ours?
People, it just comes down to choice... we all still get one.
I chose Kris Allen because I identified more with him.
When he sings a song, you can tell that he has CONNECTED with it, there's real emotion coming from it.
I don't care if a singer can jump 3 octaves... or if he or she can "Look Sad" or give me "Blue Steel" on cue... If they're just performing a song to show me what all they can do... I don't like them. (Sorry Miley Cyrus)
Sorry one final Adam rant--- in 3--- 2---1
What is the deal with people saying "Adam will be fine, he could be the next Elvis"? WHAT???
CLEARLY that's why he started wearing the eye liner, so that he might look a bit more like Elvis.... I mean, did you hear he's actually a blond? Can't picture it.
My point is... you can NOT say a contestant on American Idol is in the same category as ELVIS FRICKING PRESSLY!?!?!
Here's how they are different...
*** Elvis brought something NEW to the table, a bold new style of music that captured the ears of young and old alike.
*** Adam, bless his heart, is capitalizing on a the "Hair Band" sound, a genre that has been dead since the 80's.
Anyway... the season is finally over!
I can't wait to hear what BOTH of them do on their CD's. I mean, I'm not going to BUY Adam's CD.... but I will probably listen to some clips on iTunes or something.
My joy is tainted by the backlash of Adam supporters alleging everything from "the Underdog Theory" to Homophobia.
I don't know if Adam is gay or not... I assume he is, but has he called me and confided in me that he is gay? No.
My problem is, Adam comes across (at least to me) as the kind of "gay" that I would never in a million years want to have as a friend.
He reminds me of a little bar queen who might show up to a party at your house even though you never invited them.... only to find the next day that you're missing 2 bottles of cologne and a signed picture of Tammy Faye Baker..
And why do I feel I have to explain this? That I have to prove that *I* am not a homophope?
I'll tell you why, because in the quest for acceptance for everyone, we all signed away our right to have an opposing view!
And who decided this? The Media? Are we so afraid of speaking our minds or appearing rude that we are willing to just let a choice few atop the entertainment industry TELL us what we accept and don't accept?
Did we hand off our right to free speech so that certain media groups could exercise THEIR right to free speech more loudly than ours?
People, it just comes down to choice... we all still get one.
I chose Kris Allen because I identified more with him.
When he sings a song, you can tell that he has CONNECTED with it, there's real emotion coming from it.
I don't care if a singer can jump 3 octaves... or if he or she can "Look Sad" or give me "Blue Steel" on cue... If they're just performing a song to show me what all they can do... I don't like them. (Sorry Miley Cyrus)
Sorry one final Adam rant--- in 3--- 2---1
What is the deal with people saying "Adam will be fine, he could be the next Elvis"? WHAT???
CLEARLY that's why he started wearing the eye liner, so that he might look a bit more like Elvis.... I mean, did you hear he's actually a blond? Can't picture it.
My point is... you can NOT say a contestant on American Idol is in the same category as ELVIS FRICKING PRESSLY!?!?!
Here's how they are different...
*** Elvis brought something NEW to the table, a bold new style of music that captured the ears of young and old alike.
*** Adam, bless his heart, is capitalizing on a the "Hair Band" sound, a genre that has been dead since the 80's.
Anyway... the season is finally over!
I can't wait to hear what BOTH of them do on their CD's. I mean, I'm not going to BUY Adam's CD.... but I will probably listen to some clips on iTunes or something.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Cape Caper Solved?
OK... So I was chatting with My friend Clinton when I mentioned that I didn't like the fact that Katy Perry wore the whole Adam Lambert Cape....
Then, I started thinking about who she reminded me of! Danny Noriega!
You remember, the kid from last season's AI who was a little over the top?
So THEN I started asking myself, "what happened to him?"
I realized that as soon as Katy "Kissed a girl" I never heard about him anymore...
Now I'm not saying they're the same person... but I will say I can't remember seeing them in the same room at the same time!
Pranks that I may have taken too far.
Most people who know me know that I truly enjoy scaring people.
I'm not sure why that is... but over the years I have pulled some doozies.
At a young age I honed my talent for pranks.
When I was a kid, both my parents worked... so when I got home from school, I usually had about 30 minutes before my sister got home.
I think I was 11 or 12 when I cooked up a way to scare my sister.
I got home aroud 3:15.
I went around the house, turning over furniture and throwing cushions around the floor.
I left the front door open, just a teeny bit.
When I heard my sister pull up, I squirted ketchup around my mouth and nose and laid out on the floor "unconscious".
"Tony?" my sister said as she creeked open the door... "TONY!?!?!" she added when she saw me on the floor!
I'm not sure how I did it, but I held myself in "unconscious character" as she shook me a couple times.
When I finally "came to" laughing... she didn't think it was quite as funny.
That bit was so fun, that I recycled it a few years later.
When Glen moved into my apartment, my best friend Krista didn't really know him.... so she was going to come over to hang out.
well... As soon as I hung up the phone with her, I looked at Glen and said... "You know what would be funny?"
So we turned over the furniture, left the door open... and THIS time, I added a new element.
When I heard her pull up, I turned on my cordless phone so that when she crept in the door she would hear that crazy busy signal you get when you leave the phone off the hook.
Mind you, she didn't really know Glen at all at this point!
So when she crept in, it was the same drill... "Tony?" .... "OH MY!!!"
Then... the BEST part... Glen comes walking out of the back room with a Ketchupy knife!
Krista started screaming and FLAILING Her purse! It really was pretty mean. >:-)
I even remember the BEST time I scared my cousin Sandy.
She and I used to spend a LOT of time in Waldron.
One "Christmas Break"... we were there...
Seems like we had been arguing a little or something so she decided she wanted to be alone on the front porch swing and FORBADE me from coming out there with her...
"Oh REALLY?" I thought... then my brain started clicking...
Once again... I had to be 11 or 12... so this is pretty good for a kid that age to dream up... or maybe it's bad.
I borrowed grandpa's coat, ski mask and gloves.
I went out the back door and ran up the street a little ways...
As I slowly walked back toward the house , I could hear Sandy singing along with her walkman and swinging.
I casually walked along the street until I noticed her looking at me... then I tore off running straight toward her!!!!
She SCREAMED, Looked at the front door, back at me and froze!
Later she told me she didn't want to run in the door because she thought I (as the crazy running person) would get in the house and hurt everyone.
I felt a little guilty about that... you know... when I stopped laughing.
I'm not sure why that is... but over the years I have pulled some doozies.
At a young age I honed my talent for pranks.
When I was a kid, both my parents worked... so when I got home from school, I usually had about 30 minutes before my sister got home.
I think I was 11 or 12 when I cooked up a way to scare my sister.
I got home aroud 3:15.
I went around the house, turning over furniture and throwing cushions around the floor.
I left the front door open, just a teeny bit.
When I heard my sister pull up, I squirted ketchup around my mouth and nose and laid out on the floor "unconscious".
"Tony?" my sister said as she creeked open the door... "TONY!?!?!" she added when she saw me on the floor!
I'm not sure how I did it, but I held myself in "unconscious character" as she shook me a couple times.
When I finally "came to" laughing... she didn't think it was quite as funny.
That bit was so fun, that I recycled it a few years later.
When Glen moved into my apartment, my best friend Krista didn't really know him.... so she was going to come over to hang out.
well... As soon as I hung up the phone with her, I looked at Glen and said... "You know what would be funny?"
So we turned over the furniture, left the door open... and THIS time, I added a new element.
When I heard her pull up, I turned on my cordless phone so that when she crept in the door she would hear that crazy busy signal you get when you leave the phone off the hook.
Mind you, she didn't really know Glen at all at this point!
So when she crept in, it was the same drill... "Tony?" .... "OH MY!!!"
Then... the BEST part... Glen comes walking out of the back room with a Ketchupy knife!
Krista started screaming and FLAILING Her purse! It really was pretty mean. >:-)
I even remember the BEST time I scared my cousin Sandy.
She and I used to spend a LOT of time in Waldron.
One "Christmas Break"... we were there...
Seems like we had been arguing a little or something so she decided she wanted to be alone on the front porch swing and FORBADE me from coming out there with her...
"Oh REALLY?" I thought... then my brain started clicking...
Once again... I had to be 11 or 12... so this is pretty good for a kid that age to dream up... or maybe it's bad.
I borrowed grandpa's coat, ski mask and gloves.
I went out the back door and ran up the street a little ways...
As I slowly walked back toward the house , I could hear Sandy singing along with her walkman and swinging.
I casually walked along the street until I noticed her looking at me... then I tore off running straight toward her!!!!
She SCREAMED, Looked at the front door, back at me and froze!
Later she told me she didn't want to run in the door because she thought I (as the crazy running person) would get in the house and hurt everyone.
I felt a little guilty about that... you know... when I stopped laughing.
Friday, May 15, 2009
The joy of a southern yard sale.
What is it about this time of year?
As soon as the flowers start blooming it signals all of us to look in our closets and say "I need to have a yard sale".
In my experience, it's never quite as fun as it sounds.
I remember when I was young my grandmother, Nanny, was quite possibly the best yard seller in all of Scott County.
As is southern tradition, Nanny would decide on a date to host her sale and then call everyone in our family to see if we had anything to put in it.
The day before the sale, Mom would load us in the 1977 Datsun Wagon with no AC... along with the piles of clothes, toys... Every cherished piece of my 6 year old life... all carefully priced for sale.
Now, Nanny's house didn't have a garage... there was just a covered "drive through" carport that spanned the distance between the house and the "utility room".
Nanny would pull every lawn chair into that carport and find the perfect old piece of board to convert those chairs into tables.
Once everything was piled on, us kids would walk around pointing out the things we wanted and just could not sell... Nanny would put those things aside... but somehow they always ended up back in the sale the next day.
As a self proclaimed writer, I think yard sales and laundry mats are the best places to find characters for future novels.
I remember one old farmer who never missed Nanny's sales.
Picture this...
and old 1963 Ford Pickup pulls into the gravel drive way.
Behind the wheel all you can see are knuckles, overall straps and a big old stetson hat.
the door opens with a "creeeeeek" and then it happens!
That old man, who looked like he had JUST come from the Scott County Sale Barn, steps out of his truck wearing a pair of pentecostal issue, black slink back low rise heels!
Now this OF COURSE caught all us kids' attention.
I think I giggled, only to receive the swift "Snap/Behave" combo from Nanny.
The old farmer walked up to the sale and first asked if we were selling any old tools or fishing lures... What is it about old southern men that makes them ALWAYS ask that at yard sales?
"No, just some furniture... toys.... and quite a few old shoes" Nanny said. She was so sly in her baiting technique.
The old man walked over to the shoes... "Are these a size six?" he asked.
"Yeah, all of mine are, My sister Snooks may have put a few 7's in there... her feet are bigger than mine" Nanny said, always quick to get in a quick jab at "Aint Snooks".
The farmer gathered up every pair of women's shoes and handed Nanny a couple dollars, which she put in the cigar box near the door... then the man just walked off.
Now the INSTANT that his door slammed us kids asked Nanny "Did you see? He was wearing girls shoes?!?!".
Now I don't know if Nanny was trying to protect his image or justify her own sale of women's shoes to a high heel wearing farmer... but she told us "Doctor's don't know why, but women's shoes just fit him better".
See, anytime there was something unexplainable in the south... you just had to add "Doctor's don't know why" to validate it.... "Doctors have done everything they can" is also acceptable.
I believe this yard sale was the SAME one where I was playing with a tennis ball, bouncing it off Nanny's roof when it ricocheted off the roof and hit a VERY old woman as she was hobbling back to her car. Thank GOD she was pentecostal... without that bun, she might have been hurt.
Yard sales are as much a part of southern life as gardens and pot-lucks.
I am quite sure that from 1960-1990, no one in Waldron actually bought anything NEW.... I'm pretty sure we just all took turns wearing it.
As soon as the flowers start blooming it signals all of us to look in our closets and say "I need to have a yard sale".
In my experience, it's never quite as fun as it sounds.
I remember when I was young my grandmother, Nanny, was quite possibly the best yard seller in all of Scott County.
As is southern tradition, Nanny would decide on a date to host her sale and then call everyone in our family to see if we had anything to put in it.
The day before the sale, Mom would load us in the 1977 Datsun Wagon with no AC... along with the piles of clothes, toys... Every cherished piece of my 6 year old life... all carefully priced for sale.
Now, Nanny's house didn't have a garage... there was just a covered "drive through" carport that spanned the distance between the house and the "utility room".
Nanny would pull every lawn chair into that carport and find the perfect old piece of board to convert those chairs into tables.
Once everything was piled on, us kids would walk around pointing out the things we wanted and just could not sell... Nanny would put those things aside... but somehow they always ended up back in the sale the next day.
As a self proclaimed writer, I think yard sales and laundry mats are the best places to find characters for future novels.
I remember one old farmer who never missed Nanny's sales.
Picture this...
and old 1963 Ford Pickup pulls into the gravel drive way.
Behind the wheel all you can see are knuckles, overall straps and a big old stetson hat.
the door opens with a "creeeeeek" and then it happens!
That old man, who looked like he had JUST come from the Scott County Sale Barn, steps out of his truck wearing a pair of pentecostal issue, black slink back low rise heels!
Now this OF COURSE caught all us kids' attention.
I think I giggled, only to receive the swift "Snap/Behave" combo from Nanny.
The old farmer walked up to the sale and first asked if we were selling any old tools or fishing lures... What is it about old southern men that makes them ALWAYS ask that at yard sales?
"No, just some furniture... toys.... and quite a few old shoes" Nanny said. She was so sly in her baiting technique.
The old man walked over to the shoes... "Are these a size six?" he asked.
"Yeah, all of mine are, My sister Snooks may have put a few 7's in there... her feet are bigger than mine" Nanny said, always quick to get in a quick jab at "Aint Snooks".
The farmer gathered up every pair of women's shoes and handed Nanny a couple dollars, which she put in the cigar box near the door... then the man just walked off.
Now the INSTANT that his door slammed us kids asked Nanny "Did you see? He was wearing girls shoes?!?!".
Now I don't know if Nanny was trying to protect his image or justify her own sale of women's shoes to a high heel wearing farmer... but she told us "Doctor's don't know why, but women's shoes just fit him better".
See, anytime there was something unexplainable in the south... you just had to add "Doctor's don't know why" to validate it.... "Doctors have done everything they can" is also acceptable.
I believe this yard sale was the SAME one where I was playing with a tennis ball, bouncing it off Nanny's roof when it ricocheted off the roof and hit a VERY old woman as she was hobbling back to her car. Thank GOD she was pentecostal... without that bun, she might have been hurt.
Yard sales are as much a part of southern life as gardens and pot-lucks.
I am quite sure that from 1960-1990, no one in Waldron actually bought anything NEW.... I'm pretty sure we just all took turns wearing it.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Politics, Religion and Idol
I recently realized that American Idol has now become the newest topic that should not be discussed by friends.
Those of you who know me know that I'm a bit of a button pusher. I can't help it. I just enjoy taking an opposite view and running with it to get people "riled"
This American Idol thing has been a goldmine for my efforts.
I am amazed how upset some people get when I tell them I think Adam is a prancing show horse made up to look like Liza Minnelli. What, it that bad?
This "protective nature" expressed by the Adamites amuses me.
As a Kristian, I support the natural talent of Kris Allen. He's great! I have fully accepted that he most likely will not win, but I am hopeful.
Often times, I will call out the Adamites for falling into such a generic and easily chosen path.... and still... they reject the Kristian ways.
Obviously, most people who actually know me know that I'm merely kidding around with them and trying to get their ire... but some people have honestly gotten mad at me for my disdain of Adam.
I have to laugh it off.
On this topic, I have to say, as a Kristian, that Adam was WAY over the top last night!
During his first song, I had to pause the show for a minute because I considered taking a picture of his cow tongue to prove my point... Seriously... that "hanging his tongue out of his mouth" bit absolutely grosses me out.
I've said that to some of the Adamites... only to have them tell me they hate the way Kris shapes his mouth when he sings.
I told them that it's better than "Drag Queen" mouth and that most people would look past that considering his ability to play nearly any instrument... Then I asked them which "instrument" does Adam play.... I think we all know.
What would be great is to see people care this deeply about governmental issues!
Wouldn't it be great if we could debate changes to Health care? How about foreign policy?
I've thought about it and decided that the government could get a lot more people interested in these issues if they had a "vote line" or if people could text their votes.
How great would it be to be talking with your friends saying " Dude, I totally voted for us to leave Iraq like 40 times last night... the line was busy for hours!" ?
Or what it you could decide whether banks or companies received bailout money by texting?
I guess the the way it is probably is best.... but that puts things in perspective.
Sure, Adam will likely win this thing and go on to the stellar careers of artists such as Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barino.... Seems like their songs are on the radio ALL THE TIME!!! Wait... no they're not... it's DAUGHTRY I'm thinking about... the guy who DIDN'T win.
Those of you who know me know that I'm a bit of a button pusher. I can't help it. I just enjoy taking an opposite view and running with it to get people "riled"
This American Idol thing has been a goldmine for my efforts.
I am amazed how upset some people get when I tell them I think Adam is a prancing show horse made up to look like Liza Minnelli. What, it that bad?
This "protective nature" expressed by the Adamites amuses me.
As a Kristian, I support the natural talent of Kris Allen. He's great! I have fully accepted that he most likely will not win, but I am hopeful.
Often times, I will call out the Adamites for falling into such a generic and easily chosen path.... and still... they reject the Kristian ways.
Obviously, most people who actually know me know that I'm merely kidding around with them and trying to get their ire... but some people have honestly gotten mad at me for my disdain of Adam.
I have to laugh it off.
On this topic, I have to say, as a Kristian, that Adam was WAY over the top last night!
During his first song, I had to pause the show for a minute because I considered taking a picture of his cow tongue to prove my point... Seriously... that "hanging his tongue out of his mouth" bit absolutely grosses me out.
I've said that to some of the Adamites... only to have them tell me they hate the way Kris shapes his mouth when he sings.
I told them that it's better than "Drag Queen" mouth and that most people would look past that considering his ability to play nearly any instrument... Then I asked them which "instrument" does Adam play.... I think we all know.
What would be great is to see people care this deeply about governmental issues!
Wouldn't it be great if we could debate changes to Health care? How about foreign policy?
I've thought about it and decided that the government could get a lot more people interested in these issues if they had a "vote line" or if people could text their votes.
How great would it be to be talking with your friends saying " Dude, I totally voted for us to leave Iraq like 40 times last night... the line was busy for hours!" ?
Or what it you could decide whether banks or companies received bailout money by texting?
I guess the the way it is probably is best.... but that puts things in perspective.
Sure, Adam will likely win this thing and go on to the stellar careers of artists such as Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard and Fantasia Barino.... Seems like their songs are on the radio ALL THE TIME!!! Wait... no they're not... it's DAUGHTRY I'm thinking about... the guy who DIDN'T win.
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